To avoid emotional overload when an elderly parent moves in, first take a look at your historic relationship with the elder.
The relationship that existed between parent and adult child needs to be scrutinized. What are the motives for having the parent move in? My personal feeling is that if parent and adult child never got along, preparing for such a move would mean some therapy for the adult child to determine why he or she wants this arrangement. There could be a huge temptation here to try to force a relationship to work that never worked very well from the start. Is the adult child still trying to gain Mom's approval? That would, to me, signal danger. Is it guilt? That, too, would signal danger.
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If, however, you always got along really well with your mom, and your husband and kids love her dearly, you may be simply doing what comes naturally. You want to take care of your mom, she needs some help, and having her move in with you is the next natural step.
If you work outside the home, then the day may come where you have to hire some in-home help to care for mom. For many people this works beautifully. Expectations, to me, are huge in this arrangement. If we go into it with our eyes open to our motives for wanting Grandma to move in; if we are realistic in what we are expecting to happen when we live together, then there is a better chance that everyone will cope with the changes fairly well.
Consider Everyone in The Home
If you desperately want your mother to come and live with you because she needs you, but your husband doesn't like the idea, it seems wise to me that you would hash this out before taking such a step. As with an adult child trying to create something good out of a relationship that never was good, some outside help with counseling prior to making a decision to have Mom move in would be a good idea. Maybe, once your husband knows how much this means to you, it will be okay. But talk it through thoroughly before making the change. Having Mom move in has the potential to destroy a frail marriage or family relationship.
Figure Out Finances When Elderly Parents Move in
Most caregivers dive into caregiving because they want to help. They don't always consider that this help may go on for years. And that it's not just about love. Having a parent move in with you can be a good move financially, for both you and the parent. After all, you are only paying for one residence. But another person means more expenses for food and utilities. It may even mean building on to a house or hiring outside help.
Figure out who pays for what ahead of time. Having the financial arrangement drawn up by an attorney ahead of time may be advisable. Then there would be fewer problems should the elder need to move to a nursing home and be placed on Medicaid. Records will make a big difference here, so if you start out knowing who pays for what, and have it written down, you are ahead of the game.
Have A Plan for Down The Road
Have a talk about end of life issues. The idea would be kind of like a prenuptial agreement. You aren't saying ahead of time that this won't work, but you are being realistic that the day may come when your elder needs more care than you can give. Find out about care options, such as hiring someone to come into the home to help. However, know ahead, that the day may come where your elder will need 24-hour nursing care.
Plan for what you consider the best, but know that the outcome may not be as you wish. Live a day at a time, but have realistic ideas about what you can do for your elder. Know you may need help. Then, if you, your family and your elder are all at least somewhat compatible and have plans in place for backup care, go for it. If planned for realistically, the arrangement could work out very well. It did for my family.
Elder care author, columnist and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack is an AgingCare.com contributing editor and moderator of the
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