Many of today's caregivers are couples who have both worked at paying jobs and who had a plan for retirement that included traveling or some other pleasant way of spending their later years. Now, with aging parents who have lived through health episodes that once would have killed them, or a parent who has lived beyond an age ever thought possible only to survive for years with Alzheimer's, today's couples are left with questions and often not just a little bit of resentment. Resentment isn't a pretty emotion, and admitting those feelings to others will not likely bring pats on the back.
Many of these caregivers are not only wondering what to do, they are wondering how to handle the fact that they resent being stuck in a situation that seems to leave them no choices. What are the moral obligations? What are we to do with the tugging at our hearts as we watch our aging parents or spouse linger on, not living a quality life but not dying either? As with so many things in our caregiving world, there's no right answer for everyone. Two different people will react to similar situations in very different ways.
If any of us starts to feel resentment taking us over, it's time to act. Here are some suggestions:
- If your parents are in their own home, get some in-home help and learn to be comfortable enough with the quality of care they are getting so you can take a day, or a week, off from caregiving.
- If your parents live with you or you live with them, you still need to look for outside help if you and your spouse can't get away at all. Even a good friend or neighbor may work out as a respite caregiver for a few hours. But everyone needs a little time away from their responsibilities.
- If you quit a paying job to stay home with your aging parent, thinking it was temporary and then finding that it's going to be a long-term arrangement, you may have to regroup. For your own future, whether it's your Social Security and retirement or your sanity, if you find a nagging feeling of resentment toward you elder because caring for them makes your future look grim, you need to rethink options. It's possible you may decide you still want to stay the course, but you need to make that a conscious choice so you don't feel backed into a corner.
- If you are running to an assisted living center or nursing home daily to check up on your loved one, say before or after work, and they aren't in dire health, then after reassuring yourself that the care they are receiving is good, take advantage of that care. Sure, your folks would love to see you every day, but explain to them that you can only come every other day and once on the weekend. Unless there is an emergency, they should be fine.
- Ask yourself is everything you are doing is necessary or if it's about trying to control an uncontrollable situation. Do you really need to be with them every day?
- Ask yourself if you are performing for an audience so everyone will say "what a wonderful daughter you are," or if some of what you do could be delegated to other people.
- If you are guilt-ridden or filled with resentment no matter what you do, see a counselor. Talk through what your life, as you are living it, is doing to you. Sort out the things that are really necessary sacrifices – likely sacrifices that you make so willingly you don't consider them such – and what is obsessive caregiving.