"Reassure me that my life mattered." It is common for depression and doubt to set in when someone accepts that she is losing the battle to stay alive, particularly if she has always been an "in-charge" person and/or a caregiver herself. Take every opportunity to express appreciation and admiration for her past accomplishments, and communicate what your relationship has meant to you. Make sure that your loved one knows how much you care for her, and encourage other family members and friends to do the same.
"Share your faith with me." Whether your loved one is an atheist, an agnostic, or a person of faith, he may be uncertain and apprehensive about what the next step will entail—and he might not feel comfortable initiating conversations about what he believes. Keep your antennae up and listen for the subtle openings you might be given. Skeptics and believers alike are comforted by the assurance that a divine being exists and that an afterlife awaits.
"Create a peaceful atmosphere for me." The last thing your loved one wants is to be surrounded by reminders of death and dying. Most patients prefer to stay at home if at all possible. If your loved one has to remain in a healthcare facility or hospice, though, do everything you can to make her room feel like home. Keep the area around her free of clutter and harsh lights, try to hide or disguise medical supplies, and surround her with her favorite things: pictures, objects, flowers, artwork, music, and above all, people.
"Give me permission to go." This is one of the last and most difficult services you can perform for your dying loved one. Even after a person's fears about the dying process have been addressed, some might still worry about leaving the people who love and care for them. Assure your loved one that everything has been taken care of, that he will be remembered and cherished, and that it is okay to let go. Removing any emotional obstacle that may remain will help open the door to a peaceful passing.
Donna Authers is the author of "A Sacred Walk Dispelling the Fear of Death and Caring for the Dying" a new book that teaches baby boomers how to be caregivers with grace and dignity and how to prepare themselves and their loved ones for the inevitable.