Stressful Caregiving Situations

LORD, help us go gently into that good night and not do this to our children.

Amusing story but... why go to all the trouble to argue. Remove the distributor cap from the car so that it won't fire. Even if s/he got the keys, the car would not start. Then tell anyone and everyone that he'd call for help; advise them that he can't drive any longer - doctor's orders. All of this arguing is nuts.

I hate deception!!!!
What makes old folks think they have to TRICK their caregivers into doing what they want???? The fact that they have to lie at all should make them realize what they are asking for is wrong and not in their best interest!!!
If getting old is all about being selfish, self absorbed and deceptive; I hope I die before it happens!!!!!

Thank you for sharing this story! I truly enjoyed your wit, ingenuity, and well-thought out writing style. I was right there with you, and it was an incredible experience. Great job!

I hope you and your sister are doing well - seems like you have a really good system. {{{hugs to you!}}}
~FyreFly

Your story is so real, and so resonant for me. Funny-- my husband believed in telling Dad the truth: no guys/pigs/demons in the room; he couldn't drive because he might kill someone, etc. I just agreed with him and told him the bad guys/pigs/demons were gone now, changed the subject, and tucked him back in bed. But Who knows? I mean, some things were definitely hallucinations, no question. But he claimed to have been seeing a ghost in his own home many years before the dementia came on. I do believe in spirits, and he might have been right some of the time. I hate lying to him, but sometimes there is no other way to keep the peace. Arguing seems worse than lying. A neurologist specializing in dementia once told me to think of it as "therapeutic lying." Ultimately, I took the route of peace, but my brother didn't really have a choice. He had to bear the "car keys" battle on his own, long before Dad came to live with me. I think some of our battles were eliminated by the fact that Dad was no longer in his own home, sad as that was for him. Three dozen cheers for you and Arianna for all you have done to let your parents stay in their home. I didn't have that option, but i think my situation was easier than yours in many ways. Thanks for writing about it.

You have found a great way to deal with this situation. I wish I could get there with my mom.

When "old people" have dementia - it's not lying - it's confusion and fear - and telling them the truth does absolutely no good. It doesn't matter what you say - it's forgotten in a matter of minutes. We learned with my mother-in-law to always give her the answer she wanted. She stayed calm and happy and we had peace. And if something came up that was unavoidable our best option was to stall.
My mother-in-law's younger sister was very ill with leukemia. When her sister passed away we told her and she took the news very hard. A few weeks later she asked how her sister was doing. We told her again that she had died and again my mother-in-law wept as if she was hearing this for the first time. After that, every time she asked about her sister, we told her that she was doing much better and my mother-in-law was always happy and relieved. On a funnier note --
One Memorial Day our family was together for a barbeque, and we noticed my mother-in-law teary at the table. When we asked her what was wrong she said no one had remembered today was her birthday. My husband tried to explain that her birthday wasn't for 2 months. As she became more agitated and upset, my sister-in-law quickly went to her room and threw together a small gift bag of body wash and moisturizer, hearing aid batteries, denture cream and a new lipstick she had and carried it out singing happy birthday. My mother-in-law lit up like a 4 year old. From then on, no matter the date or holiday, we always made sure we had her "birthday gift" and a small cake on hand.
We all have our lives back now. My mother-in-law passed away this past September at the age of 92. I miss her and still haven't figured out what to do with my free time.

Thank you for sharing your story. It sure is tough, but it is a good thing to avoid arguments. It is hard sometimes to try to put yourself in our elderly loved ones places, but try it sometimes and makes it easier to back off. It would be hard to imagine my life without them and vice versa and impossible to get along all the time. It must be normal to have conflict sometimes even though the love is still there. Just tough when you are not sure who your friends really are and you don't have much time to socialize and some people just don't understand. Oh well.

My story is not about cars or keys..sometimes dad had those vivid dreams and I just let him talk about them like the bugs on the wall or where is his bed or bathroom..
During the day when he is awake though the frustration build as he can't do much for himself and gets upset when we have to help him to eat and take his meds or make him drink his water. He tells us no gets mad..I have to walk away and come back and try again. When I lift him and he is standing on tiptoes bent up and I have to straighten him up to move him..he tells me he IS NOT standing on tiptoes and we go round and round.. Then I just have to out him in chair or on toilet and he gets mad cause I am rough.. Sometimes I can't win for losing..
One time he raised his arm to me..I told him it was like pointing a gun ...don't point unless you are going to shoot.. So if you want to hit me go ahead if it will make you feel better... He didn't say anything.. Not like my dad to be this way.. His illness takes over and I forget and lose my temper to... You know the yes no thing that gets louder and louder..
Then there are days that he is just so helpless and I cry for his pain and sorrow. He was and still is my daddy who has always been there for me. ....