But then the holidays come around, the siblings visit, and suddenly Mom and Dad are saying, no, they don't want to move into assisted living. It's too expensive. And you do such a good job taking care of them they really don't need more help.
Hmmm, last year your brother and his wife were the ones questioning your decision to get Dad's hearing aids replaced. And your sister was criticizing the way you transferred Mom, after her hip replacement, with the help of a gait belt. She thought it was too clinical, and that she knew a better way. You sure didn't feel all that appreciated the last time they came. And you're pretty sure that this time won't be any different.
What do you do with all of this? You can sit on it and fume and carry resentments. You can try to have a calm family meeting and discuss all of the issues. But you've tried both of these and neither is good. Fuming only hurts you, and family meetings turn into blame sessions, with old issues from childhood thrown in for good measure.
Last year, one smart woman I know wrote a letter to her siblings ahead of the holiday visit. She praised each individual heavily for any tiny bit of help he or she had provided – and some of this was a stretch. She told them how much she appreciated the help she knew they wanted to give, even though it was not possible for them to give more.
Then she listed the things each sibling could do when he or she arrived, knowing that they'd want to help. One brother could take over bill paying. A sister could check out local resources for respite care, since they didn't want the parents to move to assisted living and this caregiver couldn't shoulder all the responsibility anymore. And she told them that she was taking two weeks off in March, so they would be responsible for the parents during that time. She firmly stated she would not be available.
Strangely enough, that Christmas all of the siblings ended up touring assisted living facilities in the area, and the parents moved that same spring to the one where their best friends lived. The siblings learned to accept the fact that the parent's money was there for the parents, and likely there would be no inheritance. And they learned that they could no longer count on the one sister to shoulder the full burden.
Yes, she was still geographically the closest, and was the one on call. But her strong stance made the family take stock and realize that something needed to be done. All are happier now, including the parents.