5 Steps to a Better Night's Sleep

I am taking care of both of my parents. I live behind them and my brother lives 6 miles away but he has a daughter that has Spina Bifita. My sister lives 13 miles away and she is very busy taking care of her grown kids needs and their children. Neither comes over except when we go to church or my brother brings supper maybe once a week to 2 weeks for Mom and Daddy. I am disabled but have not gotten my checks started yet so my sister is paying for my household bills for now. I feel I owe my sister and brother to look after our parents but I feel so isolated and completely alone. My sister lived close by Mom and Daddy a long time ago when Mom was relatively well and she understands how Mom can be. But she really doesn't because she or my brother aren't around Mom or Daddy except usually around 30 min. or so a week and neither hardly ever sits down when they come because they are always ready to go. Daddy has Alzheimer's also but his in in pretty good shape now and he, my sister and I go to church together but she leaves as soon as we get back.
Mom has congestive heart failure and stays confused most of the time and I am the one that takes them both to the dr., the hospital and for tests and I have been told since I am by myself I don't have any responsibilities like my brother and sister do. Can anyone help me to reason any of this out? I can't even take enough time to go to a caregivers support group because my parents have so many appointments and I have to make sure Mom takes her medicine when she is supposed to even though I fill it for each day and break it down to four times a day. Can someone please give me some insight? I don't want to alienate my brother and sister from me because I really do appreciate anything that they do.

Are you looking to find time for you or upset about the payback to your brother and sister for having to take care of them both since you are waiting for your money? Find out the reason for what bothers you. Don't be afraid to be honest with yourself. For me, people get stunned that I'm so honest about my feelings, but if I'm not truthful about the situation I get physically sick from keeping it all inside.

Find out the why's behind your confusion. Come here to the boards, read things from others. Its shocking to see there are many of us out here with the same emotions, anger and issues that can sympathize with us. How soon will it be until you get a paycheck?

Sit down with your siblings get outside affordable help.

Ohh sleep elusive sleep... I levae my bedroom door open so I can hear my mom as she awakens coughing in the night and has recently started talking in her sleep. her TV is left on most of the night and a nite lite bothers me also. Not to mention worrying about bills, what moms going to do monday when i go back to work, how Im suppose to retire.. its just never ending.. Ill bet Ive aged 10 years in the past 5. my happy go lucky attitude is long gone and I feel like the weight of my soul is bearing me into the ground.
Mom is relatively healthy for someone 77. yet she refuses to become involved in any kind of outside activity.

Is there any way you can arrange to have her pick up and let her spend the day in a senior day care setting. While you work and tend to your own personal matters?

I have a serious problem which might be common but is not discussed on a regular basis. The problem is that most of the times when I am reading a book or article, I get very sleepy and have fallen asleep many times. This is not a thing that has only happened lately but has happened to me for many years. Sometimes also I would read something, and when I have finished the page, I cannot recall anything that I have read. Please advise me what the problem is, what is causing it and what can I do to sort this problem out. Thanks. Frank.

Dear MamaBoo, your confusion is perfectly understandable! Dealing with your parent's difficult health conditions, alone, would cause that. But you're also dealing with some personal and sibling issues that are contributing. I read alot about Alzheimer's to help understand it, and it does. Besides this site, you can also call someone at the Alzheimer's Association 24/7 to vent and chat. It is a big thing to deal with, and feeling isolated can often be overwhelming. So when you can't get out to a Support Group, you can call that organization, or come here. They can give you resources that will help you as well.

Feeling obligated to your siblings is another issue. Having your own source of income should help with that, hopefully. But just because someone is helping you, doesn't mean you necessarily "owe" them your whole life sacrificed taking care of Mom and Dad. Yours is a complicated situation. Perhaps wise and loving counsel from someone at your church can help you sort this out, and direct you, because, as mitzipinki noted, it is important to sort this out. There are lots of resources available for helping you and your parents, and you will probably need more help as their illnesses progress. It is perfectly OK to ask for help, as Two Hugs suggested. Remember to take care of yourself, as well!

I liked this article on sleep, and will try to incorporate more of the ideas presented, such as routine, and "letting things go." Funny, when I lie down, thoughts just swirl around my brain for a while before I finally drift off. Part of the unwinding process, is my guess.

I think I'd have more trouble with sleeplessness if I had a situation like you, Sidney. The lack of quiet would definitely be a problem for me, too. Sounds like you need an alternative arrangement, in order to preserve what's left of your health. Why do we sacrifice ourselves at the expense of others. I think I'd have a frank talk with Mom, and establish some firm boundaries. Who's house is it, anyway? I think I'd shut the bedroom door. I sleep better in the dark and quiet, and without noise. Snoring bothers me, so I am separate from "the snorer." Does your Mom have allergies or other medical condition which causes her coughing? Perhaps that can be addressed with her doctor. How about changing her to another part of the house? I don't think you need to monitor her during her sleep; or else she needs to be in a facility that is designed to do that. Your own health should not be sacrificed for hers. Think seriously about this, and take care of you, too!

Dear Sidney, I went to your wall to give you a hug. After reading your profile, I realized that you probably wouldn't consider sending Mom somewhere for care. Would it be possible to have someone come in at night, to help monitor your mother, while you get some much needed rest? Your sleep and health is every bit as important as protecting hers. It is clear you love your mother, and probably will dismiss some of these suggestions. Many people make excuses for their choices, based on emotional needs, and for other reasons. But you've already acknowledged your behavior and Mom's condition is negatively impacting your health. Sounds like you need to make some changes. Here's a gentle reminder, and permission! This is too serious to ignore. Just some thoughts... Take care!

Sirfrank, you simply may be exhausted, or you may be experiencing a sleep disorder which needs to be diagnosed medically? Have you told your doctor your symptoms? If you are medically clear, then maybe you just need to take more power naps, get some daily exercise, like a brisk walk each day, if you can't sleep a solid 6-8 hours each night? Uninterrupted sleep is a challenge for some of us caregivers.

When will someone write an article specifically about caregivers, stress and sleep? We don't fit the normal mold even for stress. Not only do we have stress, but we have trained ourselves or force ourselves to be alert & wake up for caregiving duties. We all know that caregiving wrecks sleep cycles, deprives us of REM sleep and eventually is what leads so many of us to burnout. Lack of REM sleep takes its toll on the whole body - not just our moods. Unfortunately most of the solutions in this article sound great, but don't necessarily fit my caregiver life.

The best things I have personally found are to use a fan for white noise - you can still hear if you have to wake up; try to keep your room cooler than usual; nap if you can during the day; and watch your diet. Melatonin helps, but there are foods high in tryptophan that can do the same thing. All that and of course if I can't sleep reading Agingcare posts before bed - thats what works for me.