"I Promised My Parents I'd Never Put Them in a Nursing Home"

This is a good article, and everyone knows their own situations and what they can handle. However, there's a difference between not putting people in a nursing home, and promising to personally provide all their care for them. My grandparents were promised they would never go to a nursing home, and as a family, we stuck to that. With all the outside health care options available, we still did all that we could, and got the help with what we couldn't do. It was good for my children to spend some time with their great-grandparents without the discomfort of being in a facility. It also made it easier for frequent visits from other people, because they were actually visiting a house they knew, not a facility. Of course it wasn't easy, but it's not always easy to keep a promise. Please be mindful, I'm not speaking against anyone who did put someone in a facility. As I said before, we know what we can handle.

This is an excellent article, Carol. I love the spirit of caring for our parents idea you presented. Thank God for all the choices out there, and the help it is to those of us caring for those who can no longer adequately care for themselves. My son is not uncomfortable in our Nursing Facility at all!!! In fact, they love him, and he asks to go. He plays the piano for the residents, plays ball with them, helps pick up dropped items, and the nursing staff love him as well. We love going to the facility for picnics, to watch movies, Laugh Club, garden parties, help bake cookies or do woodworking with Grandpa, go on the bus with Grandpa to a ballgame or to a local restaurant. For those who think facilities are uncomfortable, find one that isn't. I'd choose this one for myself! My Dad, and my Father-in-Law have thanked us for moving them there. It's a beautiful place, and the staff tells us everything we need to know about their care. We're there everyday to play Checkers, Chess, or build a puzzle. They have been such a blessing to us, and we don't have the grunge work, but have energy to enjoy our parent's final years... What a blessing the right facility can be for everyone. Thanks for the article, Carol. Anne

I would like to find a location as lovely as where your parents are located, Anne. It sounds so nice and not at all like the nursing home my mom was in where clothing was lost and her things were misplaced or taken by others and where she suffered lack of care causing bladder infections along with staff inconsistency as to rules and assistance. My sister was working and lived near her and did her best to check in. I was only near her for a short time and have full time care of my husband who has Parkinson's disease. At this time, I cannot imagine living without him and I certainly do not want him to be in such a situation ever. I fully plan on spending every day with him if he must go into a nursing home later on. I am concerned, however, as to the length of time I can actually care for him myself because I am 60 years young this year. I too have promised him I will be here for him as long as I'm physically able. I thank Carol for her excellent article above and really like these last lines: "Honor the spirit of your promises by being the best caregiver you can be." I am not sure about getting on a list yet, but will look into it. Randyl

Dear Randyl, can only imagine your hardship and struggle. A dear friend of mine fought for her husband's final days, and lost him to Cancer. Even though he's passed, she struggles, still. I pray you have tons of support and loved ones who can see you through this difficult time in all your lives. Good heavens! Sometimes we wonder how much we can take. Thank God he's there when we cry out to him. Always there, and never leaves us, even in the darkest hours.

Randyl, my Dad was in a horrible place before this, and another that seemed OK, at first, in comparison, but that I came to greatly dislike. We were absolutely blessed to find a facility within 4 minutes of home, and that Mom allowed me to transfer her husband by me. As legal guardian, I had the ultimate say, and have now moved her, so all is working out...for the moment. Though NOTHING is perfect, including our very own homes. A couple very nice new belts and a borrowed book disappeared from Dad's place, so we limit the valuables there. Once in awhile someone else's clothing ends up in his drawers or closet. Sometimes his get misdirected or find new homes. No big deal. No sweat. Just things. The most important thing is finding good care. I would not tolerate poor care, for long. And still, no place is perfect. Humans aren't, and humans run facilities. But active consistent family involvement helps greatly. I realize everyone will not be as fortunate as my loved ones have been. Often families have to make tough choices and sacrifices. My hats off to you who are doing the best you can with what you have and where you are at. You are heroes! Love is the bottom line. Love will persevere, protect, heal, and conquer. And most of the people on this site are full of compassion and love. Take care of yourself, Randyl. I'm praying for you. It's a very tough place you're at. Glad you can come to this site and find encouragement and many people who care.

Anne how beautiful! Thank You for your kindness, encouraging words, love, and prayers! With smiles and some tears, I so appreciated your writing to me in this way! My situation is not as dark as it seems. For now, God has blessed my husband with continued mobility and we have had immense freedom as full-time RV'ers for 4 years. I have been able to drive our motor home and I tow a small car and we have toured much of the East coast and part of the West until finally we must stay put more due to tight finances and my husband's needs for more physical therapy. I love travel and I am kind of a 'wanna be' writer - but not enough time to pursue it now. I hope someday to have a memoir about our travels the past 4 years. My husband helped me find love and a true home when we met 11 years ago. He was diagnosed about 10 years ago. For one of the years, 5 years ago his family placed him in an Assisted Living Center and he was also in and out of a nursing home due to falls. I am also a trained massage therapist. I took a 'breather' from 'us' and went away to care for a friend's mom who had a stroke and during that year, my husband's family sold his farm. So, I had time to think about my choices and how I truly felt. I decided I could do this and wanted to be with him. He feels very blessed not to be in the Assisted Living Center now - although it was a very lovely one - so in the future we do not know what will be comfortable if or when a nursing home is needed, but I trust God and know all will be well. I hope everyone who reads this knows how important 'Faith' is and that as you said, it and Love can get you through most everything. I do appreciate this fine web site and hope others are benefitting from it also.

Carol,
What a wonderful article. My mother & grandmother went through the same struggle when it finally came time to make the decision to place my grandfather in a nursing home. He suffered from Alzheimer's Disease for 6 years, and my family did everything we could do to keep him at home for as long as we could, but as my grandmother grew older it became harder & harder for her to care for him, it was exhausting her and taking a toll on her own physical health. It is a very difficult decision to make, but in the end it was the right one. The retirement home we placed him in was wonderful and the staff were always so caring. My grandmother was still there with him everyday, but having the extra help allowed her to actually enjoy the time she had left with him & was such a relief to our entire family not to have to worry so much about something happening to either of them.

Best,
Tuesday

my parents are both 84 my dad takes care of mum, dad is not well himself and is tierd looking after mum all day.
mum has told me that dad is not being nice to her anymore she has a few bruisers on her hands ,when i ask her how did you get them she starts crying ,I know dad loves mum but it is hard for him what can i do to get him some help

Dear helpme, I'm surprised no one has responded to your post. It is alarming to read about the bruises. What is Mom's condition? Is her Physician involved in her care? Have you addressed your concerns with him/her? Local Senior Centers, or your County's Commission on Aging can offer some assistance, and provide direction as well. A lot depends on your parent's particular needs and financial situation, but there are many things you can do to help them through the process. Be a squeaky wheel and steadfast, until you have them cared for. It's worth the effort, and sounds like they need you. Ask family for their help, as well. We'll be praying for you. Let us know how things are going...

I think one thing you need to know is no matter how much you research or how many homes you visit there is no guarantee that you will get a good one. After numerous visits, questions, and online research we finally chose a rehab facility for mom. Believing this to be a short term stay to rebuild her strength so she could return to her own home and resume caring for herself. She was seriously injured and now after a year and a half we know this will never happen. If you find the one you think is "just right" visit often at different times of the day and night. Ask lots of questions and if you worry over one of their answers ask someone else. Some of the best to ask are the ones who actually provide care for your loved ones. Most administrators offer a lot of "lip service" and half truths.

To me, the best indication of a good nursing home is watch how the hands-on caregivers (usually CNAs) are treated by other staff. Watch their attitudes about their jobs. If they are treated with respect by the nurses and others and they seem to like their jobs, there is less turnover of staff.. This is better for the residents.

Our elders will always have favorites among these caregivers, but if these caregivers are good, dedicated people who love their residents (most of them, as they are human) you will likely have found a good home.

Also, I'll repeat this as it can't be said too often: visit at times when you don't have appointments with admin people. Talking with them is good, but your observations are better.

Carol