How to Talk to Parents about Giving up the Keys

My mom is 85 and struggeling with osteoporosis induced stress fractures. About 2 yrs ago my husband and I started being sure we were available to do the driving when ...my mother wanted to travel the 1and1/2 hr. drive to the coast. About 8 months ago she realized what we'd been doing and blew her stack! My 2 sisters only spend an hour or so at he time with her and don.t see the problem....so no support there.
Of the three children I have had the closest relationship with my mom all my life. Now she treats me like an enemy. I morn the loss of her love and respect and maybe most of all her friendshi . I tell her adding being tired to her other challenges is totally unnecessary since we can drive her almost any time she wants to go.(where did that come from?) She says driving is her life and I'm just trying to control her.
I was in the car (Iwas driving) with her one day when she totally lost the plot in her town on main street and couldn't remember where she was.
I am so frustrated and sick of my sisters supporting her that I almost decide to give up and stay out of it..........then I remember that she is risking others as well as herself when she drives.
I probably handled this all wrong as we began this subject with her. Now I've lost her friendship and I can tell she is afraid to talk to me honestly because she thinks I'm "observing" her. I've never been in this situation with anyone and I really need some help!

my Mom almost killed herself and everybody on the block. If they don't agree not to drive and don't give up the keys, disable the car if you have to.

Bobbie

Giving up driving is a huge blow to a persons independence. My mother-in-law can no longer drive because of macular degeneration. She still laments that fact, though she knows she can't drive. She was the one that used to do all the driving, while her husband (deceased) would navigate, so it was a huge loss. I totally know why your mother was mortified at being told that she can't drive, but it's all part of getting old. When the eyes, brain or reflexes go, so should the driving. There ought to be mandatory testing for all seniors when they hit 80yrs or so. It stinks, but it's necessary. My father-in-law shouldn't have been driving as long as he did either, but she covered for him when he scraped the guard rail on the highway. She used to have to constantly talk, just to keep him from losing concentration, or fall asleep. It's like when you were little and she wouldn't let you cross the street alone. It was for your own good, even though you didn't understand it at the time. Doing the right thing isn't always popular, but it is what it is.

My mom gave up driving about 12 years ago when she was making a left hand turn, jumped the curb, and stopped just short of running head on into a bldg.

NO offense but have you driven behind an elderly person. They go about 2 miles an hour. I won't even talk about being behind them when they're trying to get into a parking spot, I could smoke 2 cigarettes while waiting. I've seen a few accidents on T.V. where multiple citizens are injured due to an elder person hitting the gas rather than the brake.

I realize it's a blow to them NOT to be able to drive, it certainly was to my mom, but I'm just glad she had the integrity to realize she could no longer handle an automobile. That was a major decision for her but she made it on her own without anyone's coaxing, and without discussing it with anyone. She just told us that she was going to stop driving.

Or course we knew we's soon be "Driving Miss Daisy"!

Here in NYC, where half the drivers must have found their licenses in a Cracker Jack box -- if they are licensed at all --, there's plenty of public transportation and medical care providers often arrange transportation to and from appointments. Outside the major cities, if you don't have a car or someone to drive you around you just don't get there.

Once in a while I see elderly with license plates from West Virginia, Delaware, or New Hampshire driving around my Bronx neighborhood at 20-30 mph. Alone. Sometimes I wonder if they are lost, looking for an address, drunk, or just plain catatonic. Still, I get involved. Perhaps they're qualified to drive where they come from, but in these streets that's a recipe for disaster; and they need to know that.

Our parents and grandparents might give the impression they can compete in the Indy 500, and will "dopefiend" you into believing you've nothing to worry about when they're behind the wheel. My Dad was a cabdriver for years, but as he got older and sicker the ability to handle a car trickled away. I did take away the car and the keys on days when he wasn't all there. During Guys' Night Out, however, I'd give him the keys so he could retain a degree of independence and feel alive. Most of the time we went to sporting events at Madison Square Garden, but once in a while dropped by Dominican and Puerto Rican cuchifritos serving those irresistible heart attacks on a plate. We just couldn't help it. The rest was "Man Talk" that I'm not going to discuss here.

The name of the game here is compromise. If you are going to take away something that's an integral part of who they are and how they perceive themselves, there have to be other options. Unless they have some serious impediment, taking the keys away is tantamount to sending them to their room without supper; and they'll keep coming at you until you fold.

You give such great insight on handling different situations. We moved to Phoenix 3 1/2 years ago. Since then my mother was broadsided, ran into my car in the driveway while trying to back out and dented the front of her car saying someone ran into her, but it looked like she ran into one of those round cement lamp posts. Anyway, she is still driving at 87 almost 88. She is only 4'10", shrinking from 5'1. I asked my neighbor who is a policeman if there are restricitons on height to drive (front seat restrictions for children prompted this). He laughed and said as long as she weighs more than 50 lbs she can be in the front seat. She goes out in the car everyday. We live several miles north of the city, but she actually drives into Phoenix occasionally, which is really scary.. I know that she is careful, but her reflexes are slow, she has arthritis, hard of hearing, eyesight deteriorating and has tunnel vision (no defensive driver here). I am hoping that one day she too will realize that she would be safer having us drive her where she needs to go.

On the way back from the coast once, my friend and I were behind someone that was holding up traffic something fierce. There was a huge line of us cars behind the lead car, who refused to go the speed limit. When there was finally a passing lane and we were all passing this car (and we all knew it was some OLD person). I looked over at them as I passed, and it was MY GRANDPARENTS!! So, from now on when I'm behind some old person going slow, I don't get mad anymore. ha.

naheaton, that's hilarious!!!! I needed a good laugh, thanks.

My dad was so bad at driving at 89 that I finally took him to a nurologist and voiced my concerns right in front of my dad. Although I did broach the subject with the utmost respect for his feelings. I had been trying to get him to give up the "keys" for years and no family member or friend would even ride with him. The doctor insisted that my dad would have to take a driving test before he could drive again. Dad would do things like 40 mph on I-95...Well, two weeks later, he failed miserbily the driving part of the test. The woman walked back into the building with terror on her face....he ran two stop signs, never used the rear view or side view mirrors, never looked over his sholder and had to use the brakes on her side of the car several times. She cut the ride short and never took him on I-95 as planned. Durring the discussion part of the meeting she told him that he would have to give up his licence. Needless to say...on the ride home after I took the keys from him, he proceeded to tell me how "unqualified she was". He continued to drive to church with keys he had hidden, but did, at least, limit his outings. I knew that more drastic measures were needed. (It didnt help that no notification from DMV came for about 2 months). My dad suffered a mild stroke and was in the hospital and rehab and I gave one of his cars to the disabled veterans and sold the other one to a neighbor. I was feeling such guilt about being so underhanded. I didn't need to worry though, he never found out because he passed away a month an a half after admitted to the hospital. He shouldn't have been driving for at least 10 years before...it is lucky that he didnt kill somebody. Please, take matters into your own hands...keep others safe on the roads. It is your responsibility now!
P.S. You need to have POA to give away or sell a car.