How to Involve Siblings in Caring for Elders

I cannot tell you how offended I was by this article. I am the caregiver for my father, but it wasn't always this way. My father was living with another family member who literally threw him out of the house. I was neatly accepted to pick up the ball from that point on. Other family members first stood on one side then the other. At present, there is so much dissention in the family that I don't think it will ever be whole. I suppose you could say there is resentment on both sides. It has gotten extremely terrible. I never wanted this and never asked for it. It was put upon me and yes, now I am protective of the role that I play in my father's life, but to say that I am a martyr is offensive to me. Unless you know the entire dynamics of the family, I find it better to stop pointing fingers since when doing so you only point one back at yourself. I will never do a good enough job in my siblings eyes, but after 12 months of my father living with myself and my husband, I am protective of him and trying to maintain a life that I used to have without interference from the rest of my family. If that sounds like a martyr, then I will wear the label proudly. Until you have been through all of it, you cannot make the comment or put it in print. Be very careful when putting these articles together. We as caregivers are looking for help and support, not name calling. Thank you.

I don't think the author is saying that EVERY caregiver falls into the martyr role but some do. I know I did for quite a long time.

I am the caregiver to my mom and dad and my brother lives 2,000 miles away. I wanted him to be exactly like me and as involved as I was and of course that's not possible. And whatever he tried to do, I'd complain to friends about HOW he did it and how it wasn't up to MY standards or how I would do it. When I was able to watch another caregiver interact with her family and observed how she took every question from them about their mom's care as a challenge, I started to look at my own behavior. I was doing the same thing. Her siblings were asking loving questions. She took offense. If my brother suggested anything, I immediately jumped down his throat over it.

So I stepped back and tried to accept that my brother's relationship with my parents will never be like mine. He's the loser, not me. He'll have suggestions and when they're good ones, I'll implement them. I've relaxed a LOT and guess what? I'm a LOT happier. My fussing and fuming at him was hurting ME, not him.

Every caregiver situation is different and we just have to come at them with all of the grace, humor and love we can. We're all doing the best we can...even our out-of-state siblings.

Finally got Mom into 3 days of adult daycare (9 to 3), 6 hours each day. I also have an out of work CNA help me 3 days a week from 3 to 7, so that I can prepare dinner and eat with my husband. My sister thinks I have lots of free time now! 24/7 = 168 hours/week. So if I get 18 hours of daycare time and 12 hours of CNA help, that ONLY leaves me with 138 hours of caring for Mom, and 2 households to cook, clean, and shop for! I guess I should count myself lucky! NOT! I have 6 siblings and major trouble trying to get one of them to even help out on 1 weekend day so that my husband and I can leave the house for a while.
Some of them think I enjoy being in charge, but the rest know how hard I have it. I found I have to be in charge of things. If Mom is not handled the same way by everyone, it throws her off for days, and I am the one that picks up the pieces. Maybe there are a few martyrs out there, but I'm sure most care givers feel the way I do. We don't do it for the praise or the glory. What glory is there in dressing and feeding your parent? How about wet bed linens? Plenty of glory in that! All you care givers out there, hang in there. Don't let this article discourage you. There is enough going on in our lives each day to add to our troubles without articles like this to make us feel bad!

I don't think were any real suggestions in this article for involving siblings. My sister live 5 states away from me and my parents. She says she does not have the money to help pay bills. She only comes to visit twice a year for a week. During that time, she will do most of the caretaking but the other 50 weeks of the year are on me. Consequently, I don't really want her opinion on what I am doing.

Yep, I agree. I cannot help that my father now feels completely comfortable with me and not at all comfortable with his other children. I did not want it this way and regardless whether anyone thinks I'm erecting my own statue in my honor - I'm not. I take this responsibility very seriously, but will not subject my father (altzheimers/dementia/or just plain "old") to criticism or lack of patience. As I said, one family member literally threw him out of the house. Okay, said and done... let's move on. Okay, how do we do this? I don't expect everyone to do things "my way", but the barrage of questions/comments are intrusive to me and offensive. This is my home, and I have elected to have my father live with me, not all of my other siblings. I am trying to stay objective because yes, of course, they love him. I know that - what's more he know's that. Typically, and this is what is going on in our family, there is more going on than what anyone wants to admit. Guilt/power/resentment/etc... Family dynamics change so much when we get older. We are all adults which puts us all on the same rung of the ladder. The older one's still view the younger siblings as "the babies", even though we have overcome obstacles and challenges in our own lives. It never changes. Well, I didn't get to choose my birth order, or theirs. I'm only trying to live my life and at present it includes my dad. His needs over shadow mine in every sense of the word. But it is two-way street. Those that live away or choose not to become involved cannot come in at the 11th hour and give their opinion(s). Where have you been? There needs to be 100% respect and support given to the primary caregiver. If not, then as the other children, you take Mom/Dad in - uproot your own life, change your relationship with your spouse - expect your job/boss to understand when something happens... Take all of it. I don't want a medal. I want respect!

Here is another take in addition to all of the thoughtful comments shared by everyone thus far. I have never made any effort to involve my sibling in caregiving, because in my heart, I believe that caregiving, like the responsibility of caring for one's child if one is divorced, is not something to be directed by another, or a court, or a sibling's resentment. As I see it, either it comes from the heart, or, as the author (Ms. Bradley) has said, in some instances, some long-distance relatives simply choose not to be bothered.

For better or for worse, I have not chosen the role of social worker and/or conscience to anyone else in my family. I have simply chosen the path which I value based on all of the love I was given by both of my parents for a lifetime. I cherish the calls from out-of-area siblings, and, the visits when they are able and/or available.

I choose to have no expectations placed on my siblings because I would be pretty annoyed if anyone expected me to pick up slack in a situation where either I did not want to, or, did not feel as if I were able to for any reason, or no reason at all. In fact, I fully understand those who choose to have no role in caregiving, though I have chosen a different path for myself as a caregiver by choice.

I am not condemning anyone else for fussing at their siblings who are uninvolved, mind you. I am merely saying that if the shoes were on my feet, I would want to be left alone, to my conscience and my heart; not preached to, talked about, or resented.

No one holds a gun to my head to be the caregiver I am to one of my parents. I am neither inclined, nor do I wish to spend a minute of time resenting anyone in my family when I have so much to do, so much to learn, and so many challenges, including caregiving in my daily life.

Life is like a river that keeps flowing. No bottlenecks in my river of life if I can help it. This one is avoidable, in my opinion. Who am I to judge a sibling who has chosen to be hands-off when it comes to caregiving? They have life challenges too!

" I don't want a medal. I want respect!" pretty well sums up what Carol Bradley Bursack is saying. She is not attacking siblings who do the majority of the caregiving for a parent -- just pointing out a danger for them that can happen. The best is to accept what is, and keep a perspective, that you need to have fun yourself, as well as caregive.

No, that it not what Carol Bursack is saying - but I won't debate that. While it is admirable that others take the challenge on without assistance from other family members, it must also be remembered from out-of-towners or even those who live close but choose not to get involved. It makes life extremely difficult for those of us who are involved when only sporatically does someone else want/choose that involvement. If you leave another sibling "in charge" or you only want to get involved when you have the opportunity, then you need to "respect" the decisions being made by the primary caregiver. That person doesn't have a choice. The daily responsibilities are theirs 24/7. So, I'm not at all complaining about my role. I am delighted with my father's care. I have an open and honest relationship with his health care providers and am happy to listen to others opinions and suggestions. But I refuse to turn my life around to suit other's needs only when they choose to get involved or when they decide its time to go for a visit. That does not make me a martyr. That makes me human. I am an adult and I deserve to be treated like one especially when in my own home. This began as a discussion about others living out of town. I feel like I have to defend myself even here. Keep in mind, my father did not choose to care for just some of his children, some of the time. He made a commitment to raise each child. I am sorry for him that his adult children do not share that philosophy, but I can do nothing to change it. I will however, expect respect from my other siblings regardless whether it be about my dad's care or anything else. As an adult, I deserve that respect. Respect and martyrism are not synonysms.

Yeah, this got to me to. The two deadbeat sisters are actually cruel regarding their mother (fin. elder abuse, and one emotional abuse and neglect). So ANY one who shows genuine concern, even asking the right question by email is like a lifesaver ring being thrown my way. There is this line that those two refuse to cross, which is Being REAL or The Bullshit Line. One of those sisters actually shows up on holidays ONLY (hours late) hiding behind mylar balloons and bullshit greeting cards that are two feet high. This flurry of guilt behavior is also infuriating.

Anyway, didn't mean to get into MY deadbeat story. There was a TV program about Alz caregivers a few months back, and Cynthia McFadden interviewed the deadbeat son (who did try having Mom live with him and his new wife, but it was a disaster). She nailed him about why he had now forsaken his mother totally, now that she was being lovingly cared for by her own sister. She let him squirm and kept after him. The cameras rolling. I cheered. Finally, some one had the courage to out a deadbeat. Those silent seconds (aka "dead air") were like pure gold. What a great day.

Fifthchild, I totally understand your point of view. When my sister shows up for her two weeks, she wants to change things. What she doesn't understand is that she upsets our parents in trying to do this and she really makes me angry. I have turned my life upside down (yes, it was my choice) to take care of our parents because otherwise they would both be in a nursing home. My job, my marriage, my friendships have suffered because of the 24/7 demands of taking care of two parents. I don't think I am a martyt. I think I am a responsible adult who is doing what needs to be done. So, once I have a routine in place, don't disrupt it, complain about it or criticize it.