How to Determine if Your Senior Parent Can Remain Home

I vividly recall my grandmother almost burning the house down by leaving a tea kettle boiling on the stove. But there was no extra money around to provide a live-in caregiver while everyone was at work. She did not seem "ill" enough for a home -- simply becoming more forgetful and suffering the effects of aging. What do you do?

my mother in law's home is dirty, packed with stuff (hoarder), she has rats want let the pest control guy come in, doesn't see the doctors often enough, unable to cook much due to oxygen (when she comes to our home we can't cook on top of the stove either because she can't breathe good. Her memory is bad and she is not able to pump her own gas for her vehicle, she is unable to buy her own groceries, take out her own trash.

I don't think anyone will help or listen until the woman is dead or severely injured. It's almost to the point that no one actually even cares about her. My mother in law thinks I'm her enemy but all I want for her is to live in a clean environment, have good meals, see doctors regularly, and have friends to share with daily. What do I do?

i see a lot of these forums online. there is some interesting content, but no real help with anything. seems to be just people complaining to each other, which i suppose is some temporary relief. it seems to be more of a waste of time than anything else. you can't make them move into a home. you can't take care of them without giving up your entire life. so, what can you do?

There are answers. Talk to their Physician and seek his/her help. There's always the Department of Human Services. You can anonymously report neglect. Call local Senior Service centers, ask for a Social Worker, who can provide you with resources. There are answers, but be prepared for lots of work, time, and no cooperation from your family member. Keep good records of your observations. If they are a treat to themselves or others, take action. If we don't help someone who can't help themselves, who will? I did, and it's hard, but there are answers. A

Anne- what were the steps you took and did any one else help or were you are on your own and what time frame was there and what was the solution for you- the husband made up a story to tell my son which seemed plauasible but not true.

Their bank pulled me aside and asked me to start coming with them for appointments. I talked to lawyers, (initial appointments free). I talked to Physicians and got documentation. I kept notes of date, time, phone numbers, and what was discussed. All roads led to Probate Court. The need was great, and I stepped in. It was scary, but the court walked me through the steps. A cooperative parent can establish a trust with a responsible person as trustee to handle everything. Ask questions of anyone and everyone. If it doesn't fit your situation, go on to the next resource. The Alzheimer's Association has great resources for dementia type problems, and they can guide you as well. One lawyer told me I don't need a lawyer and could do a lot myself. It depends on the situation. But I keep looking until I find what fits. I've had to work with banks, the IRS, credit card companies, physicians, etc. A social worker at a senior center went to my parents home to talk to them about getting help. That was so helpful to me, because confrontation is not easy with my family. I prayed a lot, too. Still am. If you can avoid Probate, do so, because it is a full-time job, but accountability is good. As scary as it seemed at first, I now feel like "Chicken Little Grows Up." I'm still learning and growing. Read, ask questions, and be gentle with yourself. We make mistakes, but sincerity and compassion makes up for it. Does that help? A

Austin, the time frame question didn't get answered above. We visited a year ago Christmas, and that's when the bank alerted us to a problem there. I called two days after Christmas to get more information. From that point, we made more frequent visits, and started taking action right away. I contacted many people, and all roads led to Probate Court. I was granted temporary Conservator in March, and started handling the finances for them. One parent was removed from the home in June due to lack of supervision, wandering, and safety of others issues. The doctors suggested taking that parent to ER, who sent them to a nursing home. It was the only way to handle our particular situation. That's a fast track scenario. Each situation is different. Another parent still lives at home, but we are exploring options to make changes. Neither parent was/is cooperative, but sometimes one just has to make tough choices for them.

I am in a difficult place. Mom lives 200 miles away, and her husband is near us, in a Nursing Home, due to Advanced Stage Alzheimer's Disease. So she hasn't seen him since Christmas. We only get down to see her once a month, due to finances, etc. She needs to move closer to us, so she can spend her husband's last years/months/days (whatever) with him. And she needs someone to drive her to a zillion doctor's appointments a month. Right now she is riding public transportation, and complaining about it a lot! I simply can't run back and forth anymore. It's wearing me out. But, they owe money on their house, and probably couldn't sell it in this market if they tried giving it away for practically nothing. I don't know how to move her and float that house at the same time. It's a quandry, and I can't get any good advice. Lawyers have agreed to talk to me, but want $1500.00 to $2,000.00 to do some legal finagling. She doesn't have the legal fees, and neither do I. What's a broke senior to do? Do I just leave her there until she falls or something? She has already blacked out at home in the past, and there is no one closer than me to help. I want to move her, but if I do, what happens to her house?????

You're in a tough spot, but not unfixable. The economic downturn is temporary, so it would be best to avoid selling the house for a fraction of its value. Save the legal fees (ripoffs) and put the same cash into hiring a competent rental management agency to rent out your mother's house until the market recovers. Hiring a reliable, experienced manager is crucial. Handling long-distance rental disasters is not a picnic and can interrupt the income that is paying the mortgage payments, perhaps resulting in foreclosure. Renting covers the mortgage payments, saves the home value, and gets mom free of the house.

The unanswered question is where is she going to live then? If not with you, then where and how will it be paid for? Work out all these issues in some detail before committing to anything. Make sure it all adds up and Mom agrees with all of it.