How to Arrange Elderly Care When You Don't Want To

excellent article

I agree this is an excellent article

Gail, I was wondering are you also caring for a parent that was far from Perfect

Has anyone ever taken the above discussion and replaced 'parent ' with 'sibling'? My sibling has many health issues and depends totally on her husband, who also has his own health issues. He is 15 years older than her and in very poor health. It is very possible that he will pass on before her in the near future and it will be "up to me" to provide care or find a place that can.
The problem is that she and I can hardly be in the same room for more than a few hours, sometimes minutes. She has now and has always had a very vicious tongue. She's demanding and critical and demeaning with those closest to her. It has been her husband's choice to remain with her for many years and cater to her every whim. I have tried to have a conversation about what her choices would be when her husband passes on, but she chooses to avoid these issues and I feel sure she assumes that I will pick up where her husband left off. My other siblings chose long ago to have nothing to do with her. I also have health issues and am limited in my physical strength and energy and am not able to take this "massive" task on. I, too, know the sting of dysfunction that occurred in our childhood family, but every day I get up and make a conscious effort to be positive and loving to those around me. And I know with every part of my being that I could not undertake the responsibility of caring for my sister. But....the guilt about family does riddle me. And I don't see that dissapating. Any thoughts?

I have found counseling helpful. I am learning that I am not responsible for those that did not make appropriate provisions for their lives. You are not responsible to pick up where her husband leaves off. You can help and give what you can

You are all very wise. There are limits to what any of us can do. I always tried to fix everythinig for everybody, and I found that doesn't work (duh?). Guilt is unnecessary, when we are truly trying to be positive and loving. And no one needs to be the target of abuse, whether from siblings or parents. Trying our best to heal old wounds is always good, and getting counseling can help many of us. The thing to remember is that we, too, matter. No more, not less. But we, the caregiver, or adult child or sibling, matter. Self-care is not selfishness. It is survival and we need to care for ourselves to show others an example. Humility fits in here, but humiliation does not.

I talk a good line, but have a heck of a time practicing it. However, I'm improving.
Carol

Your article is very good, it's nice to know that some of us question whether we should take care of a parent(s) who is abusive. I have mother much like Nancy. I'm reading a book by Nina W. Brown, Ed. D., LPC. It's called Children of the Self Absorbed A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents, Second Edition. I have not finished it but have learned a great deal from it already. Please keep talking about this subject as I'm sure there are a lot of us struggling with this issue.

Thanks.
Deb Hardaway:)

Hi Deb,
Thanks for the kind words. I do speak at events on this subject (and many others). This is one subject people don't easily talk about, because they think people will blame them. We can't worry about what others think. I took care of seven elders over the span of two decades, and I got the "bad daughter" thing when my mother went in a nursing home. Her friends didn't think she was "bad enough" for that, even though she made the decision. So, you just have to ignore "public opinion" and go with your gut.

I need to get that book. Thanks for the suggestion. People need support in doing whatever they feel they can (or can't) do.
Take care,
Carol

i was molested by my father and it was horriable for me, the worst part about it was that before that, he was all that i knew that was good. my mother was an acholic and abusive to where when it came to happiness it was my day he loved me with such purity until one day i guess i was all he had left and i was violated in every way. it was the worst he used this cream before every sexual episode so it was no evidence that it was him and he didnt go to jail. i was 13 y old. so i end up back with my mom and oh that was horrible so all i could do is think of good times with my dad and how it was nice. and started to mis him i didnt go back around him for years until my baby brother got killed and i seen him at his funeral. i was kinda happy to see him sad to say. at that time i was 22.he left a number for me and a year later right after i met my husband i decieded to call cause i needed to get anything out that would hold me back at that part of my life. i needed to let go of everything and i still wanted to see what he would say to me. we talked for a few seconds he told me if i needed and thing give him a call but he had to go. my feeling was a little hurt but i soon got over it. and i thought well maybe he can help me. he retired from grayhound as a machanic and he had some money, so i called to do just that ask for some help.and he told me to come over and get it he stayed in the same house . so me and my husband went over there and it was kinda funny cause i look just like him and my husband laughed. he smile greeted us let us in and went with it
he took us out to eat and gave me an envalope with $1000 in it and said again call me any time u need something and we talked alittle more but it was aquard. we left soon after. but to make a long story short he moved out of town 2 years later he was in an accident and they said he was dying that kinda blew my mind to where i felt like i was old enough to where i knew he couldnt hurt me maybe in that time he was putting himself out there i shouldve been triying to get to know him again, but know hes dying. if felt wierd when i got the phone call that he made it weeks later and no one was going to take him in and they had no choice but to put him in a home. i had a little 2 bedroom apartment and my nephew already live with me after his sister killed herself and his mother lost her mind, but thats a different story. but i told them he could come and stay with me. now mind u my dad was 74 at the time i was born when he was 46 so to let u understand that he is a older person. but me and my husband drove to berninham to get him and hes been here ever since.now its very hard because the help he need but he is also in denial told me he dont remember it then came back to say if he did he sorry but i just dont feel kike thats enough sometimes. and he also hover over his money and only enough for the one bill hes pay in the house and thats it . im going through hard times right now and they wont even give me benifits for taking care of him because he only gets medicare and not medicade. so it is realy hard .and u can imagine the strain on my marriage. thanks for listening .

Not only was my mother an uncaring parent for me when i was a child, she belittles me now, as an adult, and i am the only one left to take care of her. There is not time enough or room enough to write all the injustices she has done to me. The main one was to let my step father beat me as a child, and then as i got a bit older,(9) he also started sexually abusing me. I am sure that she must have known about this, but chose to ignore it. and i am sure she saw him beating me and leaving bruises on me. But, she chose to ignore it. I had one sibling, a brother, who was always her favorite. She still to this day, and i am 63 yrs old, talks about what a crybaby i was as a kid. She makes fun of that sad little girl, who had no one to really show her love. She turned me over to a pedophile, and i should take care of her in her old age? I guess so. Maybe it is the "Honor thy Mother and Father" thing that makes me feel so obligated. But i can say this one thing, I hate her as much as i love her. I know it is horrible to say this, but it is so true.