How to Help A Mourning Elderly Parent When You are Mourning, Too

Now I am the one who needs help. Is there anyone out there who has lost a husband who was loved, adored and admired so much?
Most people whom I know who have lost a beloved spouse seem to go on with their lives. Don't tell me to "take a class", "get involved in community affairs" or something stupid. I have a doctorate myself, and long to hear his intelligent conversation,
(no one else seemed to match his depth of perception). It hasn't been that long, but what I would't give to have him back in that chair again or in his garden chair, or in his hospital bed at home. What I wouldn't give to be able to spoon-feed him again, change his "paper panties" (diapers), administer all those pills, read the morning paper to him, roll him out into the garden in his wheelchiar, bring the puppy over to his lap, watch some old movies with him.... In the end he could not speak, but I knew what he was thinking, and he knew my thoughts also. I missed a few cues, especially the last one which meant "don't let me die in the hospital, keep me here at home". I didn't read that one right, and he died in the ER.

Dear N1K2R3, so sorry to hear about your loss. I don't have any great advice, but send you a hug. I pray God comfort you and give you grace during this difficult time. Sounds like you were a wonderful Caregiver during his last days. Please don't be too hard on yourself, as we all just do the best we can each moment. I pray you have some wonderful memories of your time spent with him, and that healing will come to you. Seems like there are some good ideas in the above article. Take care of you.

It sounds like you not only were an amazing caregiver but a devoted, loving & caring spouse. He was very fortunate to have you to make that journey with him. An inspiring story of till-death-do-we part. Honorable, faithful & love that prevailed. Most of us don't want to say good-bye to life and loved ones. It is never easy. I am glad you had the chance to say your goodbyes. My mother has a saying, it is: "In the midst of life we are in death." I never understood it until I got older and saw babies being born as the same day of attending a funeral. God is the giver of life & He knows when it is time to come home. May He comfort you in your loss & surround you with pleasant memories & laughter at the little things.

I have lost my Mother to Alzaihmer's March 3, 2011 I am the youngest of four sisters I also have three brothers which one is younger than me. It has very hard to deal with such great loss. My mother was such a strong woman and was always there for me no matter what time of day or night I needed her help or advice. When she was towards her end of life I wanted my siblings to respect the fact that I wanted to remember my mother the way she used to be before she got to the end stages. I would come and visit and help with her but not on a daily basis. I know that it was very difficult to deal with her changes on a day to day, I was very much in denial and could not accept that she would be leaving my family soon. On her last days I decided to stay with her and not leave her site. The day my mothers life came to end I was the one beside her I feel happy that I was able to apologize for not being by her side as much as my other sisters. I know that she forgave me, but now I feel like I maybe didnt do enough for her. I know my mother loved me very much because my sisters tell me I was her favorite for being the young one. Now I do regret not being there as much but should I feel this way I am a single mother of three children and I know there is no excuse but seeing my sisters deal with her illness 24/7 looked so very painful. I know some of us are stronger than others and I know that per family I have always been the strong one in the family. For some reason when it came to seeing my mothers life ending in such a painful way I can honestly say that I became the weak one. I loved and will always love my Mother and miss her deeply I know people say that it gets easier as time goes by, for me its seems to just get harder...

Dear Millie Gonzalez, The pain and loss that you are feeling is now coupled with guilt. They tell me that people such as you and I must get some counseling regarding the guilt, or it will never go away. I am sorry for the loss of your mother.
You will always miss her. You will always feel the loss of her company, and you will always remember the good times and the not-so-good times.
It will not get easier as time goes by....( Nancy Reagan, on her loss )...The guilt, however, has to be addressed...... someone has to tell you that it was not your fault that "you didn't do enough for her".
I wish you well.

Millie,My beloved mother has been gone for 22 years now, and I can speak from experience when I say the loss NEVER goes away. I think of Mama everyday, when I do something she taught me as a shild, or when I have a dream of her. She is always with me. Sure it still hurts, I wasn't ready to let her go then, you see I am an only child and its harder on me now, because now my kids are grown and I'm alone with nothing but memories. That is all I have now and it gets hard sometimes, but you have to be strong and keep your faith because thats what our parents have instilled in us,someday we will be together again, until then we keep going and become the person our parents wanted us to be. GOD BLESS YOU...