Fortunately, after much begging, pleading and finally demanding, I got the doctor to take Dad off Haldol. After the drug wore off, Brad, the nurse, was once again perceived as he was, a wonderful nurse. If no medication can be blamed for the paranoia, the elder's basic personality needs to be taken into consideration. We knew Dad, and we knew how he had reacted to the nurse prior to the medication.
Not everyone will have had this head start. The first thing you will most probably witness is the anger and abuse spewing from the elder. The non-family caregiver doesn't know what to do. Neither does the family.
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It's time to play psychologist. Is it only this particular person who upsets your elder? Maybe this person, through no fault of her own, reminds your dad of someone he feared when he was a child. With Alzheimer's, we have to remember that people are mentally at an age where they are young and vulnerable. If it is only one person that your elder reacts violently to, I'd kindly let the person know that this arrangement, through no fault of her own, won't work. Explain what is going on.
If she is a seasoned caregiver, she will likely have seen this behavior before. She may not like it, but she will understand. Of course, you will already have talked with the elder and told him repeatedly that you are still the caregiver, but that you need help. You've told him that this person is there to help both of you and you are watching over the process. Constant reassurance is necessary. Understanding the elder's fear and vulnerability is necessary in order for you to cope with this problem.
Trying a new caregiver may be necessary and even helpful. If, however, your elder is abusive to all outside help, I'd talk with a doctor about anti-anxiety medication or other medical therapy. For those of you who are on the receiving end of the abuse, I'd advise you to communicate with the family in a friendly way. Brainstorm about what may be frightening the elder. Try to find ways to interact with the elder in an informal manner.
Find out about hobbies and past work experience. Even your clothing may make a difference. Do you look too "medical?" Work with the family as closely as you can. If you are a medical person, and you think an anti-anxiety medication may help, or other medications may be causing this behavior, speak up. However, if the abuse can't be stopped, you need to give notice and walk away.
You are in this business to help people. There will be those you can't help, no matter how good you are. So, quit the position with an appropriate explanation, and look for a position that will fully use your talents. There are many others who need you. The family will then need to search for a different person to help. Let's hope they find someone who meshes with the elder, and you find an elder with whom you can do your work well.
Elder care author, columnist and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack is an AgingCare.com contributing editor and moderator of the
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Read her full biography