Alternatives to Assisted Living

Thank you for the wonderful GENTLE suggestions you have made! I'm sure many sons and daughters will benefit from your examples.

As you stated, ruling out any medical problems or depression, should be done first. Sometimes depression can be exaspirated when our elders are left alone too much. As their friends and spouses pass away, they feel they have 'less reason' to go out, or to socialize, but there are hundreds of elders that feel the same way. Social clubs or senior centers can really help them feel a part of activities again.

I would also like to add that understanding their mindset helps too. Like you stated, many of our 'elders' grew up in the great depression and had to re-purpose items! One suggestion to remove dangerous items, is to ask if they would like to DONATE any 'metal, fabric, etc.' for the 'needy' and perhaps it will remind them of the days when 'metal and other items' were collected by organizations to help the war effort.
OR, perhaps ask if you could have the (old washer... lawnmower, etc... for your use. What loving parent would turn down the chance to help their son or daughter? This has worked MANY times with my mother and her collection of fabric and other 'useless' items. Old container, old pots, and oddities she will 'donate' to me so I can use them for my art projects. I was able to remove old chairs, excess fabric, buttons, thread, convincing her that these items would be refreshed and given to those less fortunate.

What we need to do when we offer help to our parents, is to imagine someone, ANYONE, especially family, coming into our home, and deciding what WE should keep or throw away or clean. And then just doing it without our consent. Even the best intentions can be misconstrued. Now I know most of the 'busy' people here would LOVE someone to come in and HELP, but not take over. So rather than just telling your father or mother what needs to be done, why not just offer your help ONE area a time?

Bring lunch, then offer to clean up the kitchen, while they relax with a cup of tea or coffee! Be sure to bring cleaning supplies with you (in a closed bag) and perhaps some 'new containers' to replace the old ones. If you get 'caught' just let her/him know that you are returning the old ones for a REFUND! Appeal to their frugal side by showing that they will get some if they GIVE something.

Old newspapers, clothes, shoes etc can be collected for the needy. Just gently say: "That way we can go shopping for some NEW clothes for you Mom or Dad!"

Always remember to ask if there is any sentimental attachment to an item before removing it or 'donating' it. You never know what you might learn! An old shirt may be meanlingless to US, but could be the last shirt that they wore the day their spouse died!

Of course some of these wonderful suggestions may not work if Alzheimer's or other dementia is involved. My mother has mild Alzheimer's and her 'crowded' bedroom was becoming a safety hazard. Instead of just removing items, which had been done in the past by my brother (who lives there), I asked her if she would like to BRING some of her most favorite things with her when she came to visit me! She thought this was a great idea, and we were able to clean up almost HALF of her bedroom without a fuss. Once we had her things at my house, I was able to clean what was still useful and donate/toss the rest.

NOW... the flip side of this is when the person that is LIVING with your aging parent is causing most of the problem...... perhaps that is best left for another NEW topic!

This all sounds so WONDERFUL for those who have not lived through this nightmare, from a long distance. Those of us who have had to travel 1,200 miles (one way mind you) several times a year to clean, organize, get rid of, donate, etc., this all does not work, especially when you have a very stubborn alzheimer's/dementia affected loved one who has lost the ability to understand most of reality, and cannot make sense of the real world as we know it.

With all due respect "nauseated" it is not easy to provide care "long distance". When it gets 'that' bad its time for an intervention and moving them out of a dangerous home.

Sometimes it takes Adult Protection Services involvement to make the changes necessary, but no one can be expected to use the suggestions I made unless you are close enough to go on a regular basis.

Please don't think that i am trivializing how 'easy' it is to make changes....nothing could be further from the truth and my reality.

It is VERY difficult to ask our parents to change anything. Add dementia to the mix, and it is next to impossible! But there are ways to make things seem THEIR idea, just like they did when we were in their care.

God Bless

With all due respect, "MiaMadre" I already know all this.  I had to trick my Dad into thinking he was going on a visit to my house for Thanksgiving holiday. I packed up all his personal papers, all of his valuables, family photos, nic nacs, a few pieces of furniture that he would need to live with me for awhile. I also had social services involved, insurance investigations, and local sheriff involved due to elder financial abuse and fraud that took place. This, my husband, two kids, and myself did in less than a week. He spent the next seven months with me. I then went to court to get guardianship/conservatorship, after getting doctors letter of incapacity. Long story short, he is now in a great assisted living facility, close to me, clean, well fed, and still has some (limited) independence. Oh, and the person who committed the financial abuse and fraud, is now a fugitive, and when caught, will be extradited back to where the crime took place. And when that time comes, I will be there in the courtroom smiling at them. God Bless.

Good for you, Naus!

I'm not pressing assisted living on people by saying this, and I know some aren't good, and yes, some people are better off in their own homes, but in a situation like Nauseated's, that was wise, kind and in the long run I'm sure Dad has a much better life. Not all elders make friends in AL, but many do. Some love it but won't admit it. And yes, some hate it. But assisted living, in a good center, can be a huge blessing - especially when it's close to you so you can keep an eye on things.

What you had to go though is more than most, Naus. But most caregivers can relate to bits of all of it. When dementia is at a point where the elder is a danger to himself, something has to be done. Social Service agencies have welfare checks for a reason. I'm glad you did all the right legal stuff, and I'm still exhausted just from reading about your trip! Hang in, Naus. You are a powerhouse for good.
Carol

Thank you dear Carol. This whole experience is definately one that I could write a book about, (this would make a great documentary on the subject of elder financial abuse, and how it can get out of control). I'm surprised my dear family and I are still together after all of this. So, if we can survive this, we can survive anything, and so too can others. There is still a very long legal road ahead, but I'm so glad dad is out of immediate danger now. He has made friends at the ALF, mostly women, it is sooo cute the way the women follow him in their walkers. He walks with a smile on his face now, lately, and loves the attention. I feel much closer to him, even though he is not living with me now, and can be the loving daughter once again. This is the rosy side, no telling what the future may bring, but for now, life is good. Blessings to all here.

What a great picture you paint, Naus! I'm smiling : )
Carol

My mother started losing her memory last summer (and here and there earlier I suspect). Mom worked hard all her life and was determined to stay in her apartment forever.

Her family care doctor didn't really help make the decision to place her in a SAFER home and environment. We had to. It wasn't easy by any means, but in September '08, she had a small oven fire which brought me, the Fire Department and others to her aid. I took the opportunity to send her to the hospital for evaluation (told her they wanted to check her breathing). Prior to this she had started packing her belongs (clothes, food in the refrigerator, etc.) and stated that she was going home. But, she never went anywhere. From there, she was placed in a nursing home for further evaluation. They said she was an Alztheimers patient and needed long term care. This only began our trip down a very frustrating trip with nursing homes.

She was originally placed in a nursing home away from us. But, was eventually moved to a place closer. She wasn't an ideal patient because she was unhappy and anxious away from her home. Several of my brothers and my sister visited her regularly to make it easier on her. She finally settled down and was somewhat happy. We were able to take her out for lunch or breakfast any time and she enjoyed these times with us.

Unfortunately, my mother developed "Sundowners Syndrome" which changed her life. As the sun came down later in the day, she would become beligerent, interferring with staff and assaulting other patients. They would send her to the hospital for re-evaluation. This happened 2 or 3 times until the nursing home kicked her out. They were not able to handle the new her even with medications. Next, after visiting many nursing homes within our area, we found one that we liked and one that was not fazed by her Sundowners Syndrome actions. They have been wonderful to her and she appears very happy there. She was a CNA and continues think she is still helping the nurses and aides.

She was not completely settled until February of '09. As you can see, it took quite a while to come this far. We continue to visit regularly and can see she is happy there. It may take a long while (including working to get a Power of Attorney to allow us to make decisions for her), but it was well worth the effort.

/njb

You did exactly the right things by following up and checking the quality of the homes. I'm so happy you found one whose staff know what they are doing. Keeping on top of her care, as you know, is so important. I've heard people talk about how homes shut the family out of the care. No way should a family have to put up with that. I hope your mom can be reasonable content. That is hard during some stages of Alzheimer's, even with the best care. Good luck.
Carol

Thank you. That is very much like the situation with my mother in law. I have recently thought about contacting social services about the safety issues in her home. She has a two BR home that is so packed that she must sleep in a recliner (yes even the couch is packed to the top of the windows.) you cannot walk through the house without stepping over or knocking over something. She has three four feet high piles of newspapers for her dog that died two years ago and five of everything, freaks out if she gets down to four. her house stinks because she doesn't make it to the batroom in time. She won't tell her Dr. and when I tried to, I'm not allowed to go with her to Dr.'s appointments anymore. She has a nurse that is coming in twice a day for the MRSA infection. I hoped they might make a report, but no. I've tried to discuss moving or cleaning and get yelled at every time. I felt bad about even thinking about calling social services, but reading this article helps me feel better about that,
Thank you!