Alcohol Use and Abuse Among Elderly Parents

I have been dealing with my parents drinking all my life. My Dad passed away at age 60 from liver cancer. My mother is 88, totally handicapped from post-polio syndrome and has A-fib. She has an electric wheelchair because she can no longer stand or walk. She has 24 hr. private care in her home. It used to be my job, but I just couldn't do it all anymore. It was not worth trying to help her save money. Every day at 5 pm it is cocktail time! Drink 1 she is fine, but she gets nastier as the evening goes on. Then she becomes unreasonable. It is amazing that a woman who is so weak physically can get a bottle of gin open when she wants to. Thankfully she stops drinking as soon as she eats, but every day is the same story. We have tried many different ways to reduce her intake, but she is pretty good at catching on. Discussions w/ her doctor have not helped.. I bless the caregivers who put up with this. At least they have learned that she is just as mean with my sister and I, and that her comments are nothing personal. I wish she would be grateful for being able to remain in her own home with all the care it takes, but that is not going to happen. At this stage of the game I have decided not to fight it anymore. I do wonder if there are others who deal with this and any suggestions would be appreciated.

Yes, my dad is very manipulative and sneaky about his drinking. He lies to his doctors that he is not drinking. They do not fall for it. I am to blame because he gets me to play his numbers at the liquor store, where he will buy the liquor and sneak it and put in his small duffle bag. I recently caught him on my birthday with it in his duffle bag. I picked it up and felt the weight of it. I looked at my dad and he attacked my about my weight. Anyway, I had it. If he wants to kill himself, it is on him.

I don't play his numbers, I take him sometimes so he can go play his numbers. I am in a fix because I lost a job due to taking care of him. I lost my car, and depend on him to let me drive his vehicle because he is no longer able to drive. I have a new job and am trying to save to buy a new car. I am worried about losing this job because he has been so demanding in his caregiving needs that I have been warned about my productivity.

My dad is very abusive emotionally. He has been drinking since I was a kid, but it seemed to get worse as I got older in my teens and adulthood. His drinking affects his health because he has congestive heart failure. He refuses to stop. I thought he was doing pretty well in the last few months. He had a heart attack in May 2011, and he still is drinking. It is foolish, but it is his decision. I can not feel guilty that he continues to drink. The doctors and myself have warned him about the affects. The alcohol use has damaged his kidneys, liver, and heart I am sure. He doesn't seem to care about his feet and legs being swollen and even his privates are enlarged due to a hernia, and his intestines falling into his prostate area. Alcohol addiction is no joke. Tired and warned out. Everything I have read on the message board about demanding elderly parents I can relate to.

I would love to move and start over, but at age 47, I don't know what to do. This is a difficult time in our country economically. I have a condo, but I need a lot of work to repair it and try to sell it. I tried to sell it and even though it is a nice place, it was hard to sell it at an amount where I would have enought to start over. I thought about working on my masters degree or going back to school and try to start a new career in a different area. I don't want to move in with my dad, because he is self centered and wants everything his way. Any advice?

Your comments have brought me some peace tonight, after getting a phone call at 12:20 am so my mother could "say her peace" about being upset that I had shrimp for dinner and she did not.

I am getting ready to move my family into her basement and am very worried it will end with us not speaking again. (I didn't talk to her for 5 years after moving out of her house when I was 16 due to the physical and emotional abuse she put me through.)

I just can't believe that after so many years of drinking and being so hateful, she can't see that I'm the only one left in her life.

I don't want to get to a point where I'm not speaking to her again. I'm extremely concerned about what feelings will be stirred back up when I move back in with her, knowing the drinking is heavy sometimes.

I wish I had advice for all of us. It's a sad place to be to have such parents that are mean and hateful, but begin to depend on us to take care of them as they age.

I just can't seem to understand why they don't have any reflection on their actions, get help, and make some memories we can be happy about.

God help me if I ever put my children through such abuse!

My mom is 70 and her alcoholism is worse than ever. She is hateful, mean and nasty. She often causes a sene while in public. I have limited my children and husbands contact with her because of her abusive words. She rencently moved to the state I live in and now I feel guilty that I brought her here to start a new happy life which never happened. It has been suggested to have an intervention for her. Honestly I dont want to for fear of being lashed out at by her and her refusing help leading to her being cut off from my family forever. Is it my responsibility to push her into getting help?

My father is an alcoholic and appointed by the State to care for my 50 year old brother with a disability. My disabled brother is now the caretaker of my father. My father does nothing but sit in his room drink and watch TV. My father no longer cooks, cleans, shops nor takes care of himself and might I add very bad hygiene. It is up to my disabled brother to provide my father with basic care, food and clean laundry. I have tried talking with my father serveral times called the church, who came to the house, gave him AA phone number and suggested to get help from a professional. The drinking is getting worse, his health is going down hill, plus he is a diabetic. It is time to take legal actions to remove my brother from the household to give him an opportunity at a real life. Don't know how to start and tell your father I will find you incompedent to provide for disabled brother. Any suggestions?

I would talk to the department of aging and your local health department in your area and get some advice from them. Begin looking for assistant living places for your father or a caretaker to come and take care of him. Get your disabled brother some help through the dept. of disability and or get him in an assistant living type of place, also. They both are not capable of taking care of each other. I will talk to an elder attorney, also, for advice. I hope that some of this will help you. Act now. God Bless.