Dad is devastated after his Alzheimer's diagnosis. How can the family help?

We found out too late, and Dad's Advanced Stage Alzheimer's Disease progressed so rapidly, that we had to clean up after his disease affected his finances, and every thing else. Instead of involving him in the decisions, I have had the unhappy position of dismantling he and mother's lives. Dad became a danger to himself and others, and is now living the rest of his days in a Nursing Home. We do try to enjoy our time with him, but as the disease progresses, he's enjoying things less and less, and forgetting our names or who we are. While familiar, he doesn't associate a past with us, only a fleeting present. I wish the grieving wasn't so tortuous while watching him decline. Dad is only 76 years old. I'm beginning to "miss" him already, and dread the future for him and for us. Mom is declining, too, so that makes things doubly difficult.

Join your local Alzheimer's Association Chapter/Branch --- they are invaluable and a good resource for information... Yes you can research on line - but there is no personal touch or compassionate voice/hand nearby. I highly reccomend this to anyone dealing with this horrible disease!

This may or may not be what you wanted to hear. If the disease is too far along, many of your Dad's memories may come and go - they aren't there when he needs them. He may find that he does not remember what he said five minutes ago, but can remember in full clarity something that happened 50 years ago!

Take this time to decide when your Dad will stop driving, and have him write out a letter. If he designates a certain family member that he trusts with the responsibility of determining this crucial point, and the plan is made and written out before he's too far along, you may be able to circumvent some of the resentment over this decision.

You may find that too much activity, too much noise seem to aggravate your Dad - and that he may respond to family and friends oddly at times. He may not be able to make sense of an ongoing conversation, especially if he's forgotten what you were talking about - he may answer with vague or inappropriate (just don't seem to fit with what was said) comments. Talk to him about what he is feeling and reacting to - try to keep things positive. You'll be there to help Mom.

Read as much as you can about Alzheimer's and dementia related memory loss. Be aware of the coming changes, make a video diary of Dad's old stories. Talk about family members, who they are and how they are related to you, where they live - anything that you can think of. Later, your Dad may enjoy watching it. At the very least, you will have preserved his "memoirs" for your grandkids, etc.

Ask him about important papers, does he has a will, a living trust, has he decided who he wants to have a Durable Power of Attorney (in case Mom gets sick too).

Have the hard conversations now - does he mind having the children care for him at home, or would he rather be in an assisted living situation? What about mom ... can she handle the hard stuff, or do you think they'd both be better off with help? There are great assisted living arrangements today that can take a great deal of strain off a couple and still allow for freedom and independence.

Stop by for shorter visits, just to say hi - whenever you can. Make time to share quiet moments together. Avoid the temptation to start every conversation with, "Do you remember ..."

Hope this helps - some.
~FyreFly

It sounds crude, but does he have a "Bucket List"? Joining him in activities he has always wanted to do will offer him and you the opportunity to fulfill emotional needs that are often left unsaid or recognized. If he has the opportunity to be helpful to others, spend time with those he loves, and has loving support from family he is a lucky man. Sometimes just being there with someone if they're not ready to express themself is a gift, and may ease the hurt so he can speak about it.