How do I prove to siblings that I need some time off from caregiving?

I know exactly what you are going through. Last year my husband and I took in my mother-in-law and both of my husbands sisters promised they would help out. We have not had one day alone together in a whole year. We have all duties, including handling her finances, medical and legal. My husband tried to talk to them but they always seem to have one excuse or another why they can't come and take my mother-in-law out for the day.

We still have a 12 year old daughter at home who still requires our attention and they have no kids left at home. I finally had enough and sent an e-mail asking them to step up and give us a break and how it is affecting our marriage. I'm sorry to say I got a less than enthusiastic response.

I, too, understand your lack of response from your siblings. My husband and I took in my grandmother a bit over 2 years ago to keep her from going to a nursing home. My mother passed away 7 years ago, and my only living uncle could care less about anything but her money (which he made sure he had his name on after my grandfather passed away 8 years ago.)

I have four sisters, but only two of them live near me. They promised to help by giving my husband and me time off. I've never seen it. In fact when I do ask for help, one sister never has the time and the other seems to have to work about half the time.

We have two daughters at home, aged 8 and 4. My younger daughter doesn't know anything about having a "normal" family life. There are so many things that we've not been able to do in the last 3 years because of the lack of support I have from family in caring for my grandmother. We've not been on vacation, the girls hardly get to do things outside of our church setting, and we never get to go out and eat just the kids and us.

Unfortunately, we don't have an adult daycare in our very rural area. And, I don't have access to her money to pay someone to come in and help.

I left a job I loved, one year ago this week, to care for Mom. I have 6 siblings who decided because I live in an apartment in Mom's house that I would be the best choice to care for her. As Dad died very young at 54, I have been the one Mom has relied on for years. I'm the 2nd oldest of her kids. 3 years ago she started having major anxiety attacks. She also has Parkinson's that is well under control with meds. But the panic attacks soon took over and she ended up in a nursing home for rehab last April. That's when I left work to take care of her. Of course everybody else said they would relieve me on weekends, but you know how that goes.

Now I need surgery on my shoulder and will not be able to drive for up to 6 weeks. The shoulder has to be immobilized and I need physical therapy to help get the use of my arm back.The one sister that helps me most happens to be going on vacation when I have the surgery. That threw everyone else into a tizzy! One sister that lives 45 minutes away wanted me to reschedule so she wouldn't have to help. Guess what? I finally had enough and told them Mom has to stay with someone for at least the first week. So now they can see what I deal with every day.

My husband and I rarely eat together and can't go to far on the weekends unless someone can watch Mom. Dementia has set in so I take care of pills,bills, groceries, etc. Then there's the wet bed a few times a week. I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about. That makes for major stress and causes care givers to sometimes lose it with their loved ones. Respite time is a must for all of us!

I sure wish I didn't have to go through surgery to get some much needed time off! Good luck everyone of you that has this same problem. No one has any idea how lucky they are to have us!!!

My two sisters help out when they are available but when I really need them they say I need to work with their schedule. they seem to forget I have a schedule too but oh we have a free life and we are invisible, I guess. they really know how lucky they are. i started counseling last week and feel good about it. It was hard for me to go and I felt a little guilty but I immediately took to my new friend. I think she is really going to give me some good tips, might be hard to implement them but I am going to do my best. Best of luck to all of you out there. God has to be looking out for us because NO ONE else does. He HAS too! It's the only way I can get thru this is to believe He is there with me.

Good night all!

DH

Thanks for talking about Adult Day Care. Seniors need to be stimulated and introduced to new things. I have found Day Cares locally that include Physical Therapy as well. PT's are a tremendous asset to helping Seniors exercise. There are different types. Incorporating Day care a few hours a week, gradually increasing as they become more confident and comfortable goes a long way to helping both caregiver and senior. The earlier this can be incorporated, the better.

In AZ our county provides free Adult Daycare for my mother-in-law through the Area Agency on Aging. She gets 3 full days a week and they pick her up in a van. It has been great for her. She gets exercise and mental stimulation and talks to people her own age. My husband is her only child and we had to go to another state to pick her up after she ended up in the hospital with multiple problems from forgetting her meds. We had to sell her house in one week while we were there. Thank God, the first person who saw the house bought it and things went smoothly. She has been with us for 6 years and is 89. She has dementia but not alzheimers, as far as we know. We have found caregiving to be very difficult. It is hard to have to tell a parent what to do and when to do it. They end up taking the role of a child. There are always so many misunderstandings. You feel guilty that you feel trapped and depressed at times. It is hard on a marriage.

I had to quit my full-time job and now I do a part-time job from home. We take a fair amount of money from my mother-in-law's social security to pay for room, board and groceries. She takes a lot of medications and managing and keeping track of those is a full-time job in itself. If you have access to your parent's money, don't feel guilty in taking something for at least their room and board. To be in a nursing home or assisted living would be much, much more. Look into your state/county elder care assistance. There are a lot of programs to assist you, like daycare, meals on wheels and respite care. There is usually a social worker who can meet with you in your home and explain what is available in your county. Many people don't realize how much help there is out there. Do a search on your computer and you will find a lot. Be kind to yourself and realize you are doing the best you can.

I AM NEW TO THIS SITE, AND NOT QUITE SURE HOW TO USE IT, BUT THIS IS ONE OF MY BIGGEST PROBLEMS, AND ONE THAT HAS CHANGED THE DYNAMICS OF MY FAMILY. I AM TAKING CARE OF BOTH MY PARENTS. MY MOTHER IS 88, AND STEP-FATHER IS 97. MY MOTHER HAS DEMENTIA, DOES NOT WALK WELL, AND HAS BECOME, A NASTY, CRUEL PERSON. SHE WAS ALWAYS A VERY SWEET PERSON, ALMOST TO A FAULT. SHE HAS BROUGHT ME TO TEARS SO MANY TIMES. MY STEP FATHER HAS NO FAMILY TO SPEAK OF, AND HE HAS MACULAR DEGENERATION, HAS HAD A BY PASS WHEN HE WAS 88 YRS OLD. THEY MOVED FROM NEW YORK TO N.C. WHERE I LIVE. ALTHOUGH, OUT OF THE 4 SIBLINGS, I WAS ALWAYS THE ONE THAT WAS INVOLVED WITH MY MOTHER, BOTH BEFORE AND AFTER MY FATHER DIED, AND THEN REMARRIED 20 YRS AGO. TWO OF MY SIBLINGS LIVE IN VA. AND THE OTHER IS IN GEORGIA. THEY LET ME KNOW FROM THE START THEY WOULD NOT DO WHAT I AM DOING, BUT I NEVER EXPECTED, THAT I WOULDN'T EVEN GET A PHONE CALL TO SEE IF I AM STILL ALIVE. THEY REALLY DON'T GET IT. WHAT I MEAN IS JUST WHERE THEY ARE BOTH COGNITIVELY AND PHYSICALLY. WELL HOW CAN YOU, IF YOU NEVER SEE THEM, AND RARELY TALK TO THEM. THE FEW TIMES I HAVE GOTTEN A PHONE CALL, THEY LET ME KNOW JUST HOW BUSY THEIR LIVES ARE, AND ALL THEY TALK ABOUT IS THEMSELVES. THEY REALLY DON'T WANT TO KNOW HOW THEIR MOTHER IS DOING, FOR FEAR I MIGHT ASK FOR SOME HELP, SUCH AS RESPITE TIME FOR BOTH ME AND MY HUSBAND. I KNOW THEY DON'T CALL ME BECAUSE THEY MIGHT HAVE TO STEP UP TO THE PLATE, AND THEY DON'T WANT TO. IT HURTS SO MUCH, THAT THEY CAN BE SO SELFISH, AND UNCARING. I AM SO BURNED, BUT I DON'T EVEN HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO TELL THEM. THEY DON'T WANT TO KNOW. WE WERE NEVER A FAMILY THAT SAW ONE ANOTHER ALL THE TIME, BUT NONE OF US HAVE EVER HAD A FALLING OUT EITHER. I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE THEY ARE SO INDIFFERENT TO MY MOTHER, AND IN PARTICULAR ME. WOULD LOVE TO SOMEHOW LET THEM KNOW HOW I FEEL, AND HAVE TRIED TO TELL THEM, BUT I GET NOT RESPONSE, SO I JUST STOPPED TRYING. I AM SO BURNED OUT, AND FEEL SO ALONE. MY HUSBAND IS GREAT, BUT THIS IS THEIR MOTHER TOO. IF ANYONE HAS ANY IDEAS, I WOULD APPRECIATE THE INPUT. I HAVE READ THE POSTS ON THIS SUBJECT, AND IT SEEMS EVERYONE IS HAVING THE SAME PROBLEM. WHY IS IT, THAT ONE SIBLING WILL STEP UP TO THE PLATE, AND THE OTHER SIBLINGS JUST DON'T CARE. I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND HOW HEARTLESS THEY ARE.

Hi Peace,

So sorry to hear you've joined the ranks of the overwhelmed and unappreciated but I think you've summed it up in the end.....heartless and uncaring. It's so much easier for the other siblings to PRETEND they don't know what you're going through. They do know otherwise they would be asking.

My Sister-in-law's father-in-law just passed away a few weeks ago and her and her husband are now faced with his mother who lives two hours away and has alzhiemers. Unbelievably they have asked the neighbors to look in on her now and then! The neighbors called a few days ago and told them mom can't remember if she has eaten or taken her meds and they still refused to do nothing! They just don't care!!!!!! They need to at least put her in a facility where she can get care but my husband and I think they are afraid a home will eat up their inheritance.

We have had my mother-in-law for over two years now and the responsibilities grow as her health declines, more dr's appt's, bills and general care but at least we can sleep at night knowing we have done everything we can possibly do.

I am feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. I would like my Mom to go on vacation for a day or two without me. I just want to sleep all day and occasionally get up to eat and relieve myself. As it is I get up with every bump. I make all the meals for my mom. I am in charge of all of her medication and eye drops, I put the evening wear(aka adult "depends") on at night. She can use the commode herself, and feed herself, but she often needs help getting dressed and undressed.
I have no siblings, no spouse, no children, and at this point no friends either to help me. Together Mom and I cannot afford home health aides or respite care. Yet I am burned out. I have crazy thoughts of killing us both just so I can rest. I would never hurt my mom, I really love her too much. So...I just drag along. I see a psychotherapist so...somehow...I have no choice but to go on. One disabled taking care of a disabled mom. Breathe. That is all I can do.

I got home after midnight last night. I spent 5 hours in the emergency room with Mom. She has Parkinson's and has fallen several times in the past week. Yesterday evening she fell again and finally broke her nose. She will be going to the rest home for a couple of weeks for rehab and hopefully will learn how to use a walker. This is how I will get respite! I quit my job last year after she was in a home for 4 weeks. I have 6 siblings, but I got chosen to stay with her because I live in her house(it has 4 apartments)and she has depended on me for years. My husband is on vacation next week and it was like pulling teeth to get everyone to help so we could have time to ourselves! I'm sorry Mom had to get hurt, but at least now I can enjoy some time off. I had major shoulder surgery less than 6 weeks ago, and barely had help for the first week. It's just not fair, but at least I won't feel guilty when she finally leaves us.
All of you in this same situation should get whatever compensation you can and the others be damned. They don't deserve any inheritance! They all think Mom won't come home this time, but I'm hoping rehab will get her going again and maybe she can get through one more holiday season with us. It may be the death of me, but as long as she knows where she is, she should be able to be in her own home. Remember, you have to be able to live with yourself, and your not alone. Thank God for computers and e-mail. Take care everyone!