As dad's full-time caregiver, I secretly wish he would hurry up and die. How can I control these thoughts?

I think this thought occasionally about my father in law. He is demanding, selfish, and never has a good thing to say about anything or anybody. If you offer encouragement, he has a rebuttal, if you try to stay positive, he will keep arguing, if you walk out of the room to keep from screaming, he tries to say you don't love him anymore. He fake cries and all kinds of other efforts to control everyone. The sad part is, he is fully capable of taking care of himself. He is healthy and strong, sometimes I suspect more than I am (I am 51, he is 89).
Therefore, he (I) doesn't really qualify for respite care. I can leave him alone here at the house for a day with the only worry being if he would fall. He never forgets anything, although to hear him talk, he constantly says he "forgets", but it is just an excuse. I get so worn out from the struggle to stay positive, happy, maintain my privacy and sanity that I find myself wishing he would die in his sleep. Then I feel guilty or bad that I thought that.
What kind of support groups are there for people like me? He lives with us, that was our choice 7 years ago, as we moved them into a little in-law apartment with their own kitchenette. SInce that time my mother in law passed away, and I cook dinner for him, although he still fixes his cereal and coffee in the a.m., and will heat soup or pot pie for lunch.
I have tried "offering" the choice that he has to move into assisted living, but he refuses. If anything crosses him, he tells other kin folk that I am mean to him (because I have to walk out or ignore him sometimes just to keep peace.) My husband and I go out for dinner alone one night a week, and try to keep a social life without him but it is still very trying.

Well, I feel both of you. My mom has stroke related dementia and even though she has came a loonnggggggggg way with her behavior, it is still very stressful. I have tried three nursing homes and only one really worked but I couldn't afford it without the rollover from hospital stay. How does anyone manage to have a life. I have recently began counseling and medication myself. I wonder if being overwhelmed makes you think death will be the only way out.

Dear DebiKay,
I could have written your comment.
I too have the same wish and the same situation. My mom(97) has lived with me for the last almost 4 years. It has been very stressful to say the least. I to do not qualify for respite and I try to get out for dinner /stores.etc. once a week also. She is also very negative,can still feed herself and go to the bathroom. I try to walk away when I feel an arguement coming on.(not so easy to do)
I wake up each & every morning hoping this is the day that it is over but the likely hood of that happening is nil. So I just keep on trucking, one day at a time and I am happy that at least I do not walk this journey alone since there are many of you in the same boat. I did find a support group for caregivers in the church that meets once a month ( I can't even tell her where I am going on those nights). It helps a little to talk in person to people in the same situation. I wish it could be 2x a month but I'll take what I can get.
Hang in there.
oneandonly

I suspect that everyone here has occasionally, or more, had thoughts of being "freed" permanently from the responsibilities of caregiving for an elderly relative.

The hardest thing for me has been moving from a large beautiful city back to my small desolate dying hometown out in the desert boonies hundreds of miles from anywhere. I think ALL the time about how long it will be before I can move back to civilization.

I have been here almost 2 years and currently my parents (82 and 87) are both doing well for their ages. No mental disabilities beyond common forgetfulness and assorted age-related things like occasional heart problems, high blood pressure, knee problems, etc.

Both are still able to take care of their daily grooming & mom still fixes meals for them. I help with heavy lifting, yard work, driving and I got a local job to get away from them for part of the day.

So I don't have it bad at all, but I feel so trapped in the middle of no-where and wonder how many years I will lose before I can live where I want and have my life and my friends back again.

In the words of X-Files - you are not alone. This is such a common experience. I felt the same things about my mom; my wife and I are the only family members who dealt with her on a daily basis. We are the black sheep now because we had to have her placed in a nursing home for her alzheimers. Even now it is so stressful that we are both in therapy and medicated for the stress. I felt so badly about wishing she would just die, I went to confession about it. Even my priest was sympathetic, and said it is perfectly natural to have those feelings and it wasn't even that bad. Naturally, I still feel badly about it, but knowing it is common and understandable is something of a comfort.

Take whatever help you can get, and do not feel guilty or selfish for either the emotions you feel or the actions you have to take. You know how much you care about your parent, and having to make all these hard decisions, and watching your loved one deteriorate, while all the time depending more and more on you, and seeing your own life suffer for it - it ain't easy. You are only human - cut yourself some slack and realize you can only do the best you can do.

Hang in there. We're all with you.

Boy, you are so normal for those thoughts. Many of us that have been caregiving for many years (12 yrs for me) just get to the point when we feel exhausted, frustrated and wonder when,if ever, we will get a chance at our own life and freedom. I am 66, an only child and work full time. I have been living with my 88 y.o. mom for 7 months due to two different falls and a broken arm and hand. Before that I bought a house purposely close by so I could keep an eye on her. She totally is dependent on me for her chauffering, company and entertainment, as well as help with her medicines, fixing her meals, doing her shopping...you all know the routine. I am lucky that she is still able to handle her personal grooming and hygiene. I told her that when she gets in diapers, I am quitting. She is so frail and fragile, doesn't feel good and spends her days watching tv and napping. Sometimes, it would be a blessing to just make one's transition peacefully while sleeping instead of suffering for a prolonged period. I know I wish it for me personally. Hang in there and just make it one day at a time. Best of luck and know that you are in good company here.

Wow I feel for all of you. I won't go into my story, (unless you have either a margarita or a tall cup of coffee) but I too understand.

Alixcase thank you.especially. I had never even thought about expressing these feelings in confession, so Thank You for that idea. This is such a helpful site, see how expressing ones self can trigger help, without even realizing it. Thank you thank you thank you.

Be strong family, I too agree, we're all with you.

Oh yes don't feel bad. I bet many of us have had the same exact sentiments...believe me. I am really sick and tired of these experts YELLING out therapy...F THAT....why do I have to be the one that gets therapy...geeeezus. Or meds for that reason...I have read so many instances for us as caregivers that we are stressed out, our lives changed all for the worst. Then you get the people that said oh but your parent raised you yadda yadda yadda...yeah but as a bouncing bubbly cute babie I don't think you are that stressfull including mentally. Yeah most of our parents give us this hard mental guilt trip...I don't think we did that as children or were as mean as some of them get. So I think there should be more for us...something a government branch can do for us without it all coming down to the almighty dollar. This is like working in a mental institution at times...gee can we all get jobs there since we have so much EXPERIENCE...no...that takes folks that have been to school doesn't it and have learned about mental or physical disabilities...no we are thrown into something we really should not be thrown into...how come there is no damn Runs for us or Charity for us....we are really a hidden delima in this country and are getting covered more and more over. This is mentally stressfull and just a group therapy session is not always going to do the trick.

You mentioned he lost his wife a while back - was he like this before? or at least not nearly this bad? It could be he is having grief complicated by depression, and that might respond to treatment. Maybe the tears and the feeling unloved are not all totally "fake" after all. From his point of view, he has had a terrifc loss, and probably fears losing his health and the end of his independent life, and maybe even of life itself...

But on the other hand, no, it is not abnormal to wish for an end to stress and negativity in your life, even if it looks like his passing is the only way that will happen. Life is hard, and staying alfost is hard, and when someone else is always dragging you down it only gets harder But maybe there is a way for you to get help for him even though he will probably resist. Depressed people are anxious and fear change, even possible good change, which is a common barrier to treatment.

I worry about my mom's quality of my life if she outlives her vision and hearing and ability to eat and swallow - it is hard for me to even admit that I hope she passes before things get really bad for her, more than they are now... that would be really hard for us too, she is pretty demanding and sometimes harsh and critical, occasionally really snapping at people trying to help her, though she was like that before! Antiderpessants did help her a little at one point but there were possible cognitive side effects, and it was not as dramatic an imrpovement so have not been continued. We have just lost my dad and she seems like she is not any worse, maybe needing a little more reassurance about getting cared for and having things she needs or wants.

You have my sympathy and my support!

I understand your feelings -- I, too, had them about my mom, especially during the last several months of her life. We had pretty much been together since my dad died 27 years ago. I took her on vacations, we went shopping, out to dinner, whatever she wanted to do, we did, and we truly enjoyed each other's company. She lived with me twice when she was in her late 70's and early 80's because she fell down her steps and broke her hips. I had a one bedroom apartment and she had the bedroom and I slept on the couch (for about 4 years total). We still managed to get "out and about" and had a great time as roommates. About 9 years ago she fell down her basement steps and broke both of her wrists. My husband insisted that she move in with us and the three of us continued doing all of the things she and I had done together when I was single. She survived breast cancer in her mid 80's, developed congestive hear failure but her mind was sharp. Then this past spring she had a stroke and lost her ability to walk. We arranged for hospice and I turned my living room into her bedroom. We could still take her out (a little) in her wheelchair, but then she started to need oxygen 24/7 and she started to get a little "funny" -- she would see people and accuse us of have voodoo people come in to pray over her, or she would talk all night, either calling to me or talking to her invisible friends. I wasn't able to get any sleep...Then she would get mean... We would say nasty things to each other; we would make up; we would yell at each other; we would cry... I missed my mother. I became angry and tired and frightened, I dislocated my knee from lifting her from the bed to the potty to the wheelchair (because she had become dead weight) and I just wanted everything to be over... Then one sunny Saturday in February, it WAS over... She took a couple of breaths, turned blue, and that was it. Now I am sitting in my weird looking house -- no hospital bed, no oxygen tank, no wheelchair, no mother... and I would give ANYTHING to have her back. The guilt I am carrying is awful...

Caregiving wears you down to the point you just want out -- but it is because you are tired/trapped/frustrated/angry/scared (the list can go on and on). PLEASE get some help and try to get REST. If you are RESTED, you can deal with this -- I PROMISE. All of you caregivers are in my prayers.