My elderly mother tries to control my life like I'm still a teenager. What can I do?

I have found that much of the mental disciplines / character-building disciplines that work with raising children and handling interpersonal relationships of all types work remarkably well with my senior mother.

I never knew my father, so I had to sort of learn the hard way how life works: treat people poorly, you find yourself alone a lot. Don't pay your bills, you lose things. Don't take care of your mental, physical, educational, professional maintenance, you can't marry the type of person you want or hang out with the types of people you admire. that kind of stuff.

So I apply that kind of reasoning to dealing with my mother. It's basically the book of Proverbs. (Don't panic

Thanks Jacqueline. I've had haunting concerns as to my mother's mental stability, allbeit dementia or alzheimers. It's a hard call here, unless tested that is, because she demonstrates an extreme capability of taking care of all of her financial responsibilities down to the penny. She's also well socialized and deeply rooted in her home area Church, and keeps active with senior group activities. Because many over the years know and love my mother, they completely ignore the apparent signs exhibited that I wrote about in my comments.

My problem is that she's already threatened to call the police if I come to her home to enforce that she go to any doctor appointment. Can you imagine how she's going to react to your suggestion of going to a Neurologist? I'm wondering if I may have to intervene through the court system or some 'aging foundation' in her area. I'm thinking that should I go to stay with her that with more prodding, I can get her to go without force.

Joy

I have come to my whits end. My father "sees people" all the time and feels that they are either after him, trying to take his possessions, or out to destroy something. He is aware that we can't see them but it frustrates him. He feels they are spirits and doesn't understand why they won't leave him alone. I came in one day to find a case of soda and sandwiches sitting all around the house. He said that he had to feed all the people there because they were hungry. Some of them are hurt, children, adults, male, female. I am at a loss as to what this is or what to do about it. Is he a danger to himself or anyone else? He becomes afraid of some of them and says he is going to get them before they get him. He runs from police (in his mind) and the last straw was him driving a truck up the road and walking through the woods to try and get home. He was lost in the woods for hours. Please help!

Hi,
I am brand new to this site and I have to say that it is a wonderful. My mother, 83,moved in with me and my husband four years ago this month. My only sibling, my sister, died of breast cancer. She had never moved out of our family home and lived with my mother. When she died I thought that the only thing to do was to move my mother in with us. Both my husband and I had no qualms about it. We thought that everything would work out. We all got along really well.....until we moved her to our home in another state. It has been a real nightmare. She never had many friends and certainly doesn't want to make any new ones. She refuses to meet people her own age because she told me that they make you old! She is making me old!!!!!!!!!!

After reading many of the posts, I see that most of you are going through the same sort of experiences that I am. Keeping a sense of humor is a good thing but now always easy. My mother is healthy so I am grateful for that. She was spoiled by my father and sister and expects to do everything with me. I have no time alone. Right now I am hiding in my laundry room with my laptop. I think this forum is going to be a lifesaver.

Joy, I sympathize with your pain. My mom and dad started having behaviors that scared me before mom started doing attention-seeking hospital runs and dad was finally treated for dementia/Alzheimer's (mom refused his treatment due to her denial).

You can only do so much. I found that with mom I think she has dementia, then I scavage their apartment while their down in the dining room and find oh she's coherent alright. It's a control game for her.

I was fortunate to get power of attorney before my mom's first hospital run and before dad took a turn downwards. You can't force a control-freak to do anything. I found that with the hospitals and so forth, BUT what you can do is stay in close contact with doctors. I became good friends with several of them regarding mom's care. That proved of real importance when it came to certain documentation in making medical decisions. Some things they would not do because she had said no to things, but because of her constant pattern with many doctors, it proved to work against her without her ever realizing it was of her own doing.

I have a mother who had a life time 50+ years with my dad and getting it her way. That makes for a life now that is harder than hell to come to grips with and I can assure you it will not end. It may slow down when she realizes certain truths, but unless they are willing to change... we have to learn to cope.

Only one left... go find a thread I started called "Laughter in the midst..." Hopefully others will start posting their funny stories so we can laugh, heal and learn all at the same time.

Dear onlyoneleft, you do have to chuckle a little hiding out in the laundry room with your laptop (thank goodness for this site:)and think that mitzipinki has a great point about trying to find the humor in all of it. The point about keeping in close contact with the doctors is excellent, too. If you have a problem, having a physician who knows your elderly loved one,and the situation, is really indispensable. What would we ever do without our elderly loved ones:)

My 82 year old mother who has Parkinsons has been living with my sister for 2 months. (My sister lives in Tennessee and I live in Virginia along with a lot of other branches of the family) Her health has declined tremendously. My sister has someone we pay to come in and help Mom. This lady stays 24 hours a day from Sunday afternoon until Thurdsay late morning. Mom has been very tired lately. Instead of arguing with her to stay awake all day, they let her go back to bed and sleep all day. Is this healthy? I feel like it is making her weaker and she should have more activity. My sister and caregiver say it's to hard to take Mom anywhere. I feel she'd get more attention in a nursing home. Any suggestions?

This is such a quandry, if it is really your mom who wants to stay in bed. You hate to force her to get up, but it is good for her, and will weaken her to just lay down all day. If she is physically able to be up, I'd get a comfy cushion for her wheelchair or chair she will be sitting in, and tell her she must get up for meals at least. (tell her it's the house rules)After she has eaten, maybe there is a place she likes to sit outside that she could be assisted to for like at least 1/2 hour or more as long as it's not in direct sunlight. Are there certain things she likes , such as does she enjoy iced tea outside, or are there grandchildren she would agree to be out there with for a while? If you tell her "for 1/2 hour", then stick to that unless she really wants to do it longer after she gets there. If you tell her something, and then go back on your word, it will become harder to get her out there next time. Is she having pain? Some times elderly people have pain and say they are "tired", when actually it's the aches and pains that are bothering her. Perhaps she could have some tylenol, and see if that makes her more willing to get out and about. If someone is actually being paid to care for her, it is not too much to ask for them to get her up for meals and to sit.

Continue to let her know that you do this for her health and safety and try to more silent when confronted rather than confrentational, just walk away and come back as if nothing has happened and continue on with your day. Do what needs too be done for her health and saftey. evently she will stop because you are her friend as well and she enjoys your company so have light conversations everyday to change her heart

Thanks, Jerome, for directing me back to this site. Oh, the Emotional Shield. If only I had that growing up. I'd have superpowers to ward off all the garbage that's been accumulating for oh so long. But, then there's grace. God's grace. He forgave me, (and all my sins) so I can forgive Mom's. Except the ongoing stuff just keeps going on and on and on...oops, the shield fell off. Hard to hold onto, while brandishing my sword with both hands. Think I need the Armor of God as my shield. I heard some of Jacqueline's program on a video or somewhere...sounds good and right and easy...until I try to do it... I will/am trying to set some boundaries. Some have been there, and some new ones need to be developed. Seems I don't even see stuff coming at me sometimes... Definitely need help!