How can I get my passive sibling to help me with the care of our elderly parents?

I wonder if you might be able to get help from the place that he seems to understand the most - his synagogue? Can you speak with the rabbi about the issue and ask for his help in getting your brother to understand that helping to care for his parents is a moral obligation? Not to mention the love that they have shown him during his life needs to be reciprocated?

My elderly parents have 6 children all living relatively nearby, and only 3 of us are willing to actually take the time to help. Everyone has a life, a job, a family and other responsibilities but they are our parents and sacrificed everything so that we would be raised happy and healthy. Now that the time has come to give back to them, not everyone wants to pitch in and help. 2 of my brothers live in the same city as my parents but don't want to help. My boyfriend does more for my dad than his own sons he has loved and cared for for over 40 years. I don't know what they've told themselves in their heads that makes this okay but it must be a doozy. Its sad, but at least there others of us to care for them. I feel bad for my 2 brothers because you reap what you sow ... and when its their turn to be cared for their children will have learned from their example.

My father in law lives with my husband and I on a part time basis, he has 7 living children who all live in the same town as he does except for my husband and only he and his sister are the sole caregivers, his other children are selfish and will not help with the care of their father, they are more concerned about the intrusion in their daily routines and how much time he takes out of their lives, they do not take into consideration that he is 88 years old, his eyesight is failing, he has arthritis and that he does not have a lifetime in front of him, they should be cherishing the fact that he lived a long life and in his golden years they should be there for him like he was when they were growing up. I worry for my husbands sanity sometime because of the stress of dealing with his Dad is somewhat difficult and stubborn behaviour, he expects everyone to be at his beck and call and will rise at the crack of dawn expecting everyone to be up at the same time, as well as his siblings refusal to help out. My father in law likes his beer and cigarettes and would drink and smoke to his hearts content but he has health issue's that would be agravated by this kind of activity if not kill him! my in laws are useless and can't even be bothered to watch him , he needs a constant routine and a stable home and he does not have either, it is suggested that he enter an old folks home, but he does not want to go becaue he thinks that it would be like "jail", My Husband and I don't have a life anymore and his family just does not care one bit. We are beside ourselves with the inlaws selfish behaviour and the only person suffering for it is dad, does anyone have any ideas on how to convince dad that he does need to be in a home? He needs a routine where someone will be there when he rises early in the morning and give him his medication and he will have someone on call when the need arises, my husband is a seasonal worker who leaves town to work and I work full time as well as my sister in law, the time will come when there will not be anyone around to care for him we are looking into the future for his care but cannot convince him to go to the home let alone have his other children watch him, we are getting desperate for a solution.

I can totally relate to these people! My younger brother lives with my father now, and is better at doing for him. However, he will be getting married later this year, and then I am back to square one. I have a husband and two children to care for, work and go to school, and somehow always find time to do what my father needs. My older sister on the other hand, always will have an excuse. Yes she works, but its only her and her husband, who sometimes will work into the evening hours. She talks a mean talk, but when push comes to shove, she backs down. I'm relieved to know that other people have to deal with what I have to. Kudos to those who keep doing for their parent[s]. I have the utmost respect for you! Maybe the answer is for us to adopt each other and then we'll have support in caring for our parents. :)

You may need to realize that there is NOTHING you can do to get your sibling to help. As sad as it is to admit, they just may not want to be bothered with the situation. They will, however, be in first in line with their hand held out if there is an inheritance to be had. If you are taking care of your family and are taking on some of their expenses or are paying bills for them and they are paying you make, keep yourself a ledger and the recipients so you can make sure that you get your money back or you do have a record of your expenses. Better safe than sorry.

Very often caregivers think it is wrong to ask someone to do something to make life easier for yourself and if you ask it means that you are not a good manager of your time and now that my husbands caregiving is behind I can see how stupid that thought was and I should have asked for help and when offered accepted it- maybe if others had seen how bad I had it someone would have come forward to say it was too much for me the last two years al least. That is one of the reasons I come back to this site maybe something I say will be useful to someone else and also I made such good friends here I like to encourage them and see how they are doing.

I feel backed into a corner because I only have a brother and he he is passive/agressive. I come from a very patriarchal European family. The boys are kings and should never have to do the dirty work that the women are expected to do. It started with the women folk cooking all the holiday dinners and then cleaning up afterward, while all the men sat in the living room watching TV. I knew this was wrong from a very young age and never participated in male worship - but you can't change the fam.
My brother's tactic is to throw a fit when anyone asks him to do anything. Then he stops talking to that person. Then the rest of us just have to pick up the slack and do his work for him. This has been going on for years. The last straw was when I asked him to talk to me about Mom's future and what was best for her. I had just taken 2 weeks off from my job and flown to my hometown to help her. I asked if he could take a little time off from work to help her recover. The result was a blow up that I still cannot believe. At that point I decided that family or no family, his behavior was abusive and I would not tolerate it. We have not spoken since. (which is exactly what he planned.)
Now, Mom lives near me. He calls to complain about his job, wife, etc.....it's all about him. My mother is an enabler. To her, "he's always had bad luck." She cannot see that he is manipulative...right down to taking money from her.
Frankly, it IS easier having him be distant. When he did pitch in it was sporadic and he never wanted to to what needed to be done only what he wanted to do.
I knew long ago that I would be taking this on all by myself. I just never knew how hard it would be. I really wish I had a sibling to lean on...but from reading these posts, it sounds like one person in the family steps up and the others go deaf.
I am very agry at times. One of my biggest nightmares is that he and his equally charming wife will do after mom is gone. I am certain that they are wondering about the money! To me, money is just dirty paper and if that is all he cares about - that is pathetic. Little does he know that my mother wants to remove him from her will. I have cautioned her against it. Does anyone have any advice? Should I let her? I fear my brother would get legal on me and I would have one more family headache to deal with.

My mother lives with me now as she was increasingly unable to take care of herself for IADLs - and all my siblings, one by one, informed her that they couldn't come to visit her anymore as her living conditions were too horrible - she is a born hoarder. I took the initiative to clean up her house, move her in with me, and get her finances straightened out. Now that she is 'presentable' the siblings all want to come and visit with her and treat me as if I was invisible - never letting me know if they're coming into town, making plans with my mother to do special things without letting me know - it's maddening! Yet they are never available to make sure that she takes her medications, take her to doctor's appointments, do her shopping or cleaning - but they're all evidently happy to take advantage of ME doing it for her. What do I do to get over the rage I feel?

I'm the baby of the family and the only girl. I have two living brothers. I live 5 minutes from Mom. The boys live about 20 miles away.
The eldest brother helps as much as possible. He calls our mom twice a day and calls me to offer support, helps with chores, dr appointments, etc.
Our other brother is non-existent. He visits our mom about every other week for about 2 hrs. Just long enough to take her to breakfast. He never calls us to offer help or ask what is going on. The last time I called him and asked for help it was horrible. I decided to stop the madness and move on.
If my family consisted of only one brother, we would be covering Mom's needs as we are now. I don't even think about him when it comes to my mom's care.
The stress he was causing me is in the past.

I feel your pain. I have one brother who is basically useless when it comes to helping with our mother. He lived only 5 minutes away and hardly came to see her or do anything for her. My mother lives with my family and we have been fortunate to have had the last 10 of 15 years with her in good health however she is now 80 years old and its getting harder and harder for us to maintain the kind of care that I feel she deserves. We have 3 children and both of us work long hours. My brother moved recently and now lives a 10 hour drive away. I have not ever asked him for anything until recently when going on vacation with my family asked if our mother could come for a visit so that she would not be alone while we were gone. He could hardly do it. It was such an imposition for him to have her with his wife and himself for a week that on the 5th day they were calling wanting to know when we could pick her up. Now that her health is not very good and we are having to make decisions on assisted care etc he wants no part in it other than to tell us how he thinks it should be done. I believe he fears that at some point we are going to ask he and his wife to allow our mother to come live with them. Since my father passed away when I was 15 (25 years ago) he has never been there. He avoids any responsibility of any kind and lives a life of vacations, dinners out, etc without ever having to own up to anything. This is his mother too how can he dismiss her? We love her but it would be great to have my only sibling to offer some type of help if only here and there.