AlzCaregiver

Alz-Just wanted to say-in spite of the fact that her hands are tied by laws protecting the elderly I have been working with a caseworker at Adult Protective Services who "gets it" and has gone out of her way to be helpful in my situation.

good for you... take care and keep up the good work!!! J

Alz my niece can substitute as the gorilla, she's the spitting image of one, but we'd have to work on the friendliness, she's not that pleasant!

Thanks for the hug :)

As you suggested, I already have offered to do more, but those things did cause problems.

First off, I am "only an in-law." Anytime there is a discussion is in need or a decision is to be made, I get no voice or vote. Even my husband has told me to "not cause any trouble."

Ironically, I may actually be more qualified to deal with my FIL's care. During the last 5 years of my nursing career, I was working in elder care. While I don't know everything, I do know my way around geriatrics.....

Quite a few of my suggestions have been nixed, since the family wanted "to look into alternatives" but never did, or "it wasn't time for that (fill in the blank) yet." An there there's the "we'll call you later to talk about this" and I end up looking like a nag because it gets "forgotten" and I have to make the re-connect.

Then, there is the dreaded family dynamics, as well as the different personalities.

My DH's brother is the eldest in the family. He and his wife are very dominant, competitive and aggressive personalities. While my DH's brother would rather only deal with the situation, on his time, his way and from a distance, his wife is the smothering type. She gets these crazy ideas in her head about what's best for my FIL and then nobody can stop her. She actually tried to "tutor" my FIL for the mini mental test, because he did so poorly on his eval and she figured he should "re-take it." I was trying to tell her that this was not a test one should study for, since it is a tool to figure out how much mental decline my FIL was afflicted with. She got her husband involved and my objection was nixed. They're more interested in saving face and my FIL not being embarrassed. (BTW, my FIL was not embarrassed at all. In fact, he didn't understand or care about the test results. That's dementia for ya!) And then there are money issues too.... While they seem to do ok, financially, I feel that they have taken advantage of my FIL and to some extend my DH and I. Money is being spend for things that either don't work or could be gotten cheaper, had they done a bit of research. We've noticed some "interesting accounting." Receipts for things disappear, are "forgotten" at their house or "lost" in my FIL's house.

My DH's sister is the second child. (Her hubby is often emotionally and physically "unavailable," in regards to my FIL's care. But he will participate in family dinners, especially when others pay the bill.) She's always been a bit "loopy" and "scatterbrained." She's had some mental, social and financial problems, though out her life. She was actually the one that VOLUNTEERED and INSISTED on being the contact person.... but when things get a bit "hot," she can't handle it. It's not like she "really has to do serious caregiving." She's responsible for groceries, med refills, doc visits (which are very routine, since my FIL has very few medical conditions) and to keep an eye on bills and paperwork arriving in the mail. (The professional caregivers put them in a hidden spot for her to go through. Most of my FIL's bills are automatically taken out of his accounts.) I know, you may think that doing all of these things are time consuming and such, but I've tried them out and there not. She lives pretty closely to Walmart and stopping by there is on her way to work and to my FIL's. There's a supermarket on that same route, plus another one a few blocks from my FIL's house. The same goes for my FIL's bank and pharmacy and his GP is less than 10 minutes from his house..... Yet she still can't seem to manage.

Every time a problems arises with her, she blames it on others.... yet we can't "take it away from her," since she as well as the rest of the family - except for me - insists that is "her share" of the care. She seldom contributes financially... In fact, we've been told and have noticed that she may take advantage of my FIL and us in regards to money.

My DH is the "baby" of the family. He seems to be my FIL's favorite child, since he's always been a "good and hard working kid." (My FIL's words.) He's pretty easy-going and hates conflict. His older brother used to and still does to an extend bully him.... and he often covers for his "troubled" sister. He knows that his brother and sister are taking advantage of my FIL or us, in financial matters, but he's hesitant in dealing with this.

For me, this is basically a "loose loose" situation. I often feel like I am kind of like a servant. I do the research, leg work and even physical labor, yet I don't have any sort of power when it counts.

I've figured out that the "you could/should do more" is about sending/spending even more money than we already do. It's also more about doing some serious physical (and often very dirty work,) like clearing the yard and cleaning out the basement, garage and attic. (Of course, we're not allowed to throw any "family heirlooms, antiques and stuff that could be worth some money" away, without family approval.)
Every summer and fall, my DH try to do some serious yard work. Each time my DH ends up renting a pickup truck, to haul at least 2 large loads of yard trash to the dump, 1 hour away. One of my DH's grown up nephews (who lives near my DH's brother) owns one of those big Dodge Utility pickup vehicles.... but we were told that he "has not time to help" or that we should bother him about using the truck. (My FIL just paid for a new large screen TV for this boy.... and does send money to him and the other grand, regularly. BTW, none of them help out or visit often.) My DH's brother may stop by to "get rid" of SOME of the recyclables; the "some" referring to things like glass and cans (and certain plastic) for which they do get a refund credit. Recyclables like paper products do not get a refund credit.... and therefore they stay behind.

Anyways.... I guess you can tell that I am really really really frustrated. Sorry for the long rant. ;)

sounds great and keep us all posted!

Hi Alz, that's a genius T-Shirt and I would buy one!
Respect,
lovbob

You made me laugh today....

You wrote: "A toady is someone who does the grunt work, the snitching, the dirty work, someone who delivers messages on behalf of the deadbeat so the deadbeat doesn't have to face reality...a kisserupper to the bully. "

Never knew what to call that.... until your comment.

"Thanks for your support" Relatives can be bastards.

I hear you. My brother died mysteriously at home in '97. His wife conned Mom (I didn't realise how bad her judgement was)into putting her name on stock, bonds, properties, and sued Mom for dissolution of partnership when she was in a nursing home with a broken leg. More than half of my monthly income goes to pay off the lawsuit. My ex sister-in-law now lives in an exclusive retirement community. I keep my house at 49 degrees in the winter, and heat the bedroom and bathroom with space heaters, turn the furnace on when I shower. I use the electric blanket alot too. Thanks for your support & understanding.