195Austin

Oh Maxine, isn't that always the way it is.
Forced to sign a dnr... awful. that;s why I never left mom alone in the hosp.
Mom was a nurse in the army!!
War Horse... also a name given to certain pieces of classical music that everybody has heard a thousand times, but Maestro puts them on the program anyway. The critic writes it up: Maestro trotted out all the predictable war horses and the audience napped.
Glad you're here Maxine. Good voice of reason!
lovbob

I looked at that thread and saw a bit of fighting as well as people talking past one another instead of really hearing each other. I'm sure a few on their would pounce on me with everything I've written about my non-traditional raising and my non-traditional marriage. I"m almost certain someone would be sending me to hell. Well, I've already lived through the hell of trying to make sense of my family of origin and so I don't need anymore hell from anyone. I didn't see anything on that thread about not seeing TV or did I misunderstand your sentence?

Nah ... i spent many years with the police department on the street as a crisis counselor in Seattle.
Seen some pretty horrific things.
had to do something else ... my heart couldn't handle not being able to do more. In my samll business I do my best to bring a good design & some happy images.

Here's my report about today's session which unfortunately he could not add extra time but acknowledged that I needed it.

That was one powerful therapy session and he let me have extra time because I had a lot extra to unload. I came home and discussed this with my wife. I put in my movie that I forgave my mother for absorbing me into herself like an emotional spouse both as a single mom and then in her second marriage, plus trying her best not to raise me as an all American boy like her ex wanted to. Thus, my confused identity comes from the confused way she raised me plus her using me like an emotional partner/spouse. So, and my wife and I concluded this is why we are both comfortable with our rather non traditional marriage in which we really have some basic role reversals which the home she came from fits with how to tell the truth I was raise part like a gril and part like a boy. My conclusion is my mom was in bondage to something that happened in her life and I forgive her for that. My final conclusion is that I am finally comfortable with how I turned out as my therapist, SIL, and some of my friends have said, I really function more like the wife and the mom in this household which is ok with me and I'm no longer angry at God and mom making me that way. My wife on the other hand does not fit the stereotype feminine submissive wife either which my mother certainly was not. So, as we talked today and she wanted to make sure that I'm ok with all this, our non-traditional role reversal family works for us, we like it and we like how our marriage works plus we recognize that neither of us could have been married to a stereotypical person of the opposite sex because neither of us fits completely those stereotypes. There are things that I do which reflect the lack of intimacy with my dad plus the confused identity with my mother. My wife recognizes that and as long as I stay with the boundaries that I've set with myself, she is fine with it because she understands it. The same thing is true with her as well and I give her some extra space their. Nothing immoral or illegal but a little something that helps each of us with our issues.

thank you . i hope i didnt upset others for tellin her how it is .
ijust got tired of her just dragin on and on after we allagreed to stop it and bobbie has ask plz to stop ,and havin bobbie to cry , heartbroken but she kept on . finaly i got my blood a boiling and told her how i felt . nobody messes with my bobbie and my boatmates , :-)

Austin-J referred to praying and those who beleive in praying as stupid more than once and I just got tired of it and I bit back.Then she came on giving US permission to pray[Who the hell does she think she is -GOD] Any way-I don't need her permission for anything and she doesn't have to worry about me praying for her. Anyway that is the short story.Just because she sees no hope,she doesn't need to try to strip it from someone elese.

June,

I"m not sure if you are familiar with free free association thinking and writing. It is encouraged in order to reveal unconscious thoughts and emotions, such as traumatic experiences that have been repressed. Well, last night I spent hours editing my "'therapy movie" script for meeting with my therapist today plus I just wanted to get this done. I'm seriously thinking about calling the office today to tell him that I just might need more than 45 minutes today and if either appointment before or after me cancels, please let me work in that time even if I have to pay for it myself. Frankly, the free association experience was overwhelming, but also good. 1:45 cannot get here soon enough today. Please keep me in your prayers.

Dear Austin, thank you for the note on my wall. I pray you are doing well. I am thinking of starting a new thread just for Christian Caregivers. We need a place to congregate, free from bashing and threat of persecution. Having just come off a week of Revival meetings at my church, I am convinced that I must do more for the cause of Christ, and have less distraction from the things of this world. Pray for me, will you? Thank you, dear Austin! ~A

Here is a long statement of how I'm doing.

Last week, I had the most eye opening therapy session of all! My therapist said it would help me to look over the titles of my 'movies' that I've made and see my progress from being so wrapped up in my anger toward mom as well as others to now really working on my own identity apart from them with still needing to address one thing that is at the very core of all of this family of origin mess. Yeah!!! Progress.

This "light bulb" moment has captivated my attention ever since Tuesday. So, I've been creating and editing another one of my therapy films which I've shared before is my new way that I've found to work through things. Some people journal, etc., but for me over the last 5 years of the 8 I've been in therapy, these 'therapy films; help a lot in both working through things and letting my therapist know where I am in the process of working through all of this. Some emotional issue are best expressed through visual arts than through written or spoken words alone, particularly when they are very deep. In reflecting over my film today, I'm certain my therapist will agree with me that I'm part way there, but this is more difficult to work through. I can tell that I'm objectifying and intellectualizing my emotions, (that's also a first of being so self-aware) in this film because I've written the script mostly in third person than in first person. In some of the past films, my wife was sometimes one focus of my anger, but in these last two I've written the script such as she is the third person via the very heart of my family of origin issues are told and or explained in a very supportive tone. I can tell that she understands some of it from our conversations, but intuitively, I think she understands more than words are really needed for, plus she's had to deal with many of the same issues of enmeshment with her own mother while mine are a bit different being between an intrusive mother and an only child, son.

I think the bottom line of what attracted me to my wife was feeling more comfortable with her than anyone else which has really been demonstrated as very true while I've been working on my family of origin stuff. She's told me that her mother had put so much distrust and fear of men in her that amazingly, I unlocked all of that, (plus as I learned later she was in therapy and dealing with some other stuff which she trusted me with knowing much later that is TMI). Plus, she was very comfortable with a mama's boy who focused more on the needs of others like I had with my mother and did not mind someone being intrusive as my mother had, so it was like I found someone like my mother for that's what I was comfortable with. Looking back I don't think a non-mommy's boy could have relaxed her defenses and I don't think I could have married a healthier woman who did not like such a feminized man. We did spend 5 years in dating and experienced some high anxiety times before we got married. Despite all of our problems individually and together their has been this sense of accepting each other issues and all plus the way my mother raised me made me feel comfortable with the role reversal that our marriage reflects and how my mother raised my wife be a little more like her mother's relationship with her dad who like me was a very nurturing person. Now, we have both had to work on boundaries so that our marriage does not totally reflect my mother's second marriage or her mother's marriage, but some things just can't be totally changed in one generation. I agree with what my therapists, SIL and friends including my friend from high school who has always been like a sister to me that I've functioned much more like the nurturing, submissive wife in this marriage, but hey we survived and my therapist tells me that we have a sense of togetherness and a "romance life" that few people in their marriages have.

Since the night before my uncle's funeral, I've not been sleeping at all. I've had the generalized sense of anxiety and yesterday I washed and waxed all three vehicles with the idea in my head that I need to have these done before my mother dies, but I have no reason for thinking that she's going to die right now. Her dementia has gotten far worse and the social worker told me two weeks ago that I'm going to really see her go down hill now. Part of my anxiety this week might be related to this new light bulb in therapy. I know my life loves me, understands, and accepts me more fully than anyone except my therapist and God, but I'm not so sure about others but at this age I'm worrying less about what others think of me. This, I think, is a big part of deciding and being comfortable with who I am and want to be when I grow up or like my therapist said once my mother is dead and it's fully just me and my wife. I've always been far too concerned with what others think and in self-denial I used to make fun of 'mommy's boys' and I was at one time very judgmental, but now it is more 'but by the grace of God go I" or so what that's a legalistic issue and not a plain biblical issue. All in all, I'm not fundamentalist like I once was in reaction to my mother's nominalism nor am I liberal. I am a Christian in agreement with the Apostle's and Nicene creed plus the other ecumenical creed of the Church before it divided into eastern Othodox and Roman Catholic apart from the religious trappings of denominationalism. My dad's side of my family is Roman Catholic and my mother's is Presbyterian. My own spiritual growth led me to see strengths and weaknesses in both plus seeing the same in my journey with charismatics, Pentecostals, fundamentalists and holiness Christians. I appreciate all that I've learned, but in my mid 20ties I had grown up enough spiritually to chose for myself what church to join which is United Methodist although right now I have post denominational stress syndrome.

Hi,

Have you seen my postings on the thread "My husband told me that we are done and he wants a normal life versus me running back and forth taking care of my mother. Has anyone else dealt with a spouse leaving them?"

The way I find someone's wall is go down the list of people who has written on my wall.

I'll be back in a few minutes to share how I'm doing.

You are in my prayers.