How to not care, without caring?

Lea and Grandma are right. Don't sweat the small stuff is a biggie. For me I put up a wall to care for Mom because like you I care too much and it was something I did not want to do. It was always just me my parents relied on. At 44 I found myself caring for a preemie so my 16 year old could finish HS and go to Nursing school. I had my last child at 36 and was not planning on more. At 64 I again was caring for an infant going right from that to caring for Mom. She was a good Mom but when I brought her to my home it was temporary until her house sold. 20 months later when it didn't sell I took what money she had and placed her in an AL. She too was in the later stages of Dementia. When the money started to dwindle and the house did not sell, I placed her in LTC with her private paying for two months then Medicaid kicked in. By this time she had no idea where she was or who I was. Such a weight was taken off my shoulders. I could now just visit. The NH met all her needs. I only worried about her clothing.

I found my gift was not caregiving. I do OK if something is temporay, a light at the end of the tunnel. I no longer volunteer, people expect too much from you. I will not care for someone unless its my DH and that has physical limits. He is lots bigger than me.

Your response to Alva cleared up some things for me.
You don't sweat the small stuff...and you learn that most of the things that we think of as being a "big deal" is really small stuff.
You draw most lines at SAFETY. Either her/his safety or yours.
You learn "therapeutic fibs" can work wonders in some cases.
You come to the conclusion that no one lives forever and that Quality of life is more important than Quantity of life.

Choosing to not have a medical test or procedure done because it really will not extend life in a quality manner is not the same as withholding medical care or denying medical care.
And none of this means you DON'T care, it means you care enough to value the time there is.

You care and you don’t. That is OK.
It is self preservation. Or putting yourself first. That is OK.

I don’t know a single person who has ever enjoyed caregiving. So, you are certainly not alone regarding how you feel as a caregiver.

Just read your profile. You are dealing with a lot of responsibility on your own.

I’m glad that you have support from your husband. You mentioned that the caregiver that you hired didn’t work out.

I encourage you to please look for a new caregiver to help out. It’s imperative to have regular breaks from caregiving.

Don’t rule out the option of placing your mom in a facility. You can oversee her care and not be burdened by full time caregiving.

Wishing you peace.

You've been writing about how overwhelmed you are with mother's care for months now, and how you want to keep her out of facility care, that is your goal. My question is this: What about YOU? In your quest to do everything for a mother with advanced dementia who has no power of logic or reasoning, are you willing to sacrifice YOURSELF to keep her out of Memory Care Assisted Living or Skilled Nursing? If you get very ill or die, God forbid, what happens to mom Then? She goes into managed care right away. #Truth.

Sometimes in life we're faced with a bunch of bad choices. So we pick the least bad choice and accept it. Dementia is a horrible existence for all involved, for mom, for you, for all who reside in the home to bear witness to what goes on. Nobody wins.

You can't care for her but not give a darn. This is your mother you're talking about, so it's not possible to turn yourself into a robot with no feelings who doesn't care and isn't capable of it. To be human is to have emotions.

Find respite for mom and yourself, using her money. Find a Memory Care Assisted Living facility that will take her for a week or 2 and consider it a dry run. See firsthand how it feels to sleep thru the night w/o worrying mom is lighting the stove or getting outside somehow. Feel what peace feels like again, and go from there. Nowhere is it written or expected that you are to devote your entire life to 24/7 hands on caregiving any longer than you've already done. The single toughest thing I've ever done is trying to deal with my mother who suffered from advanced dementia. And she did live in Memory Care Assisted Living! Even the visits I dreaded, the ordering of supplies, the mental brain damage of having her on my mind constantly, it wore me out. I can't imagine being in your shoes and trying to find a light at the end of the very dark tunnel.

Best of luck to you. You deserve it.

Dictionary Definition
Data from Oxford Languages

Care (ker)
[ker]
noun
The provision of what is necessary for the health, welfare, maintenance, and protection of someone or something:
"the care of the elderly" · "the child is safe in the care of her grandparents"
Similar:
safe keeping
supervision
custody
charge
1. Serious attention or consideration applied to doing something correctly or to avoid damage or risk.

As you can see, the definition of care is somewhat nebulous. And can be endless, as the Oxford itself DOES go on; that's only the beginning of what they have to say regarding "care".
Its definition is entirely dependent on what ASPECT of care you are discussing.

So I will ask you, K.
What aspect of care do you wish to ask a question about? Or wish to discuss?
We are here for you.

Boundaries.
You have to set boundaries so that you can maintain "self"
This is how doctors, nurses and others are able to function. If they took personally everything that happened to each person they cared for or treated they would all be of no use mentally and physically in a very short time.
You need to carve out time for yourself.
Is there an Adult Day Program you can get mom involved in? That would give you a break a few days a week, it would give mom a break as well.
Check with your local Senior Service Center and see if there are programs that would help you.
If her husband was a Veteran (or if she is a veteran) the VA might have programs that would help.