My "whine moment today." What's yours?

Whine for today - actually happened last night. Mom goes through phases of being semi-independent, but only after I get on her case about not moving and being too sedentary. She is fully capable of walking and doing things for herself, but refuses to do so unless I'm not there to do it for her or until we have a serious discussion about it - which happens just about every other week. She is a fall risk, so I don't expect her to get up and dance a jig or run a mile, but it would be better for her if she kept moving to some extent - she just chooses not to.

So we have our nightly routine. She sits in her chair like queen bee while I, the worker bee, buzz around getting ready for the night - shutting down the computer, locking the doors, shutting windows, putting cat away for the night, etc. I usually hand her the tv remote, get her water cup filled, etc - hoping to minimize any risk of fall during the night, since she only sleeps about an hour or two at a time and then is back up. I keep the tv remote with me during the day, because despite my best efforts to simplify the process, she inevitably screws up the tv and can't get it to turn on or change channels - easy to fix for me, but frustrating to her.

For the past week, I've been getting ready for some upcoming travel and also for some work to be done on the house - so I'm meeting myself coming and going, and my own memory is starting to show the strain. I forgot to give her the remote before I went to my room for the night and got into bed. Now, she knows I sit at my desk ALL DAY working, and that's where the remote is - always. If I forget to give it to her, all she has to do is get up, take 4 steps to my desk to get the remote and 4 steps back to her chair. What does she do last night, after I've gotten ready for bed, climbed in, breathed a sigh of relief that the day was finally over and started to relax in the only room in the house where I can be alone? "WHERE'S THE REMOTE???" "ARE YOU COMING BACK OUT HERE??" "I'M MISSING THE REMOTE!"

Someone needs to buy me a new bedroom door. I think I just about yanked mine off the hinges when I went back out to retrieve the precious remote that was sitting not 10 feet away from her and deliver it to her hands.

Every morning when I awake before Mom I say to myself "I wonder if she died during the night"?

Can't help thinking that way.. At 92 it's inevitable...

Veronica, how true that is about worrying about *what may happen*. I've been doing that for over 5 years now and the what ifs so far haven't happened.... yet I lost thousands of hours of sleep worrying about it and ruined my health in the mean time.

How I wish my parents would move from their single family house into a retirement community where they can have a large condo and enjoy everything the place has to offer. Plus they would have more freedom instead of trying to rely on me. My Dad liked the brochure but said maybe in a couple of years they will move.... HELLO... you are 92 and 96.... [sigh]

How much time do all caregivers spend worrying about what may happen and how much dealing with actual catastrophies. i know it's hard but can you put the what if up on a very high shelf and replace them with plans for feared events.I am not going to write every suggestion but here is one. If grandpa sits so long on the toilet trying to poop that his nerves get pinched so he can't get up. What should you do/ of course 911 is an option but you don't need aan ambulance with sirens blasting and scaring the old man out of his wits. What you need is to have at hand the the NON emergency number for the fire dept. Tell them what has happened and ask for a couple of strong men to come and help grandpa back to bed. if you have volunteer EMTs in your area they all listen to their scanners and you will probably find a couple of neighbor volunteers on the doorstep in no time at all. Most elders continue to do as they please whether they are aware of the risks or not it is the nature of human beings.

My problem of the day is that my 80 yr old MIL continues to do as she pleases, make unsafe decisions, poor judgment, not following safety routines we have gone over and over, not drinking her fluids and getting dehydrated. She told me off today and said she is doing the best she can even if I don;t think she is. Besides stopping me in my tracks she has made me think! We know that her brain matter is shrinking, her short term memory is going, and she doesn't think things through anymore. So while I am getting frustrated and scared and worried and upset about her doing things in an unsafe manner, maybe what I need to realize is that she is incapable of doing things safely anymore, she cannot use good judgement anymore, she is not able to make good decisions anymore, and she really cannot remember the things I tell her over and over and over and over. As a result I am the only one who is getting stressed out and she is just blindly moving through life without a care in the world. She has fallen so many times, once resulting in a broken hip that set her back a year. The other times she has been lucky. She has been dehydrated too many times and she feels lousy, lethargic, achy, etc. She went out for a walk last week with the part time caregiver and collapsed when she got back in the door. The caregiver had to call the fire dept to help with a life assist. They must know us by heart now! I worry they are gonna take her from us. I try to tell her that and that we want her to stay home and not be placed in a home. But she continues to do as she pleases. Her son and I take turns with her care when we are home. I don't know if I can do it anymore.

Funny how these things bring out the writer in us. That was very nicely written, Hope.

I can't tell you how many times I have come out and found the house so absolutely silent and still that I was certain she was gone - passed in her sleep. In fear, I would call to her, and after 3 or 4 times - by which time I was in an all-out panic - she would suddenly jerk awake and answer me. Not sure what frightened me more - the silence or the awakening!

LOL....one can only imagine what she is up to....

I do the same exact thing, listening all night long to be sure she is breathing...and at times you can't hear her and then she will take a deep breath and back to normal...and like you said, a deep sigh of relief and all is well ....early in the am, before it gets daylight, it seems I always wake up and I will check on her...she is always looking quite comfortable, breathing normally and soundly sleeping....I go back to bed for another hour or so and you can hear the sound of turtle doves, sometimes a whipporwil.....spelling???.....and it is the most peaceful and glorious feeling.

I know exactly what you mean, Hope22 - when those really bad days come (more often lately than before), I keep thinking to myself, "and I have to do this for HOW MANY MORE YEARS?!?"...but then, in the quiet moments before I go to sleep, when there's no sound in the house, I find myself being worried about her - is she breathing? why don't I hear her snoring? oh wait...there's her familiar, shuffling gait headed to the bathroom, so all is well. Sigh of relief.

I picture myself curled up in a ball, sobbing, once she's gone. Sadly, I suspect that image is all too close to the truth. Our relationships with our parents are complicated things - sometimes more than we'd like to admit.

Oh my...she's flushing the toilet repeatedly in the bathroom....I better go see what the heck that's about.....

SusanA....I have had that harsh realization as well and for me it is so horrible to think that I won't get a real break until my Mom is gone..and, like you, I am not rushing that day. For me I can't even bear to think of losing Mama, she is truly the last person remaining on this earth who I feel loves me, ...so sometimes I just close my eyes and dream of doing fun things and just keep in mind the day will come, even though it is going to be incredibly sad when it does...What a horrible place to be, in the middle of knowing it's coming, not wanting it to come, knowing you can't stop it....and dreading it all the same...and knowing when it does, ...well, for me, the incredible emptiness may be more than I can bear.....

Well, I came to the harsh realization today that I will probably never, ever get another break or vacation to call my own, until Mom is gone. Not that I'm rushing that day to come, of course, but it's a harsh truth of caregiving. I know there are *many* more here that are in that same boat, and having "alone time" is a major luxury - but I thought I might have at least ONE more year where I could take a vacation to see my son by myself - just one. Had to finally have a long talk with myself (yes, I talk to myself - don't you? LOL) and come to the point of understanding that Mom is no longer safe staying alone.

Sooo....I've had to cancel the rental I had already paid for, which was incredibly cheap at $470 a week (cheaper than a hotel, and it was a whole house!), and start looking for something else that is: a) at least somewhat handicap accessible, with no stairs or steps and a shower instead of a tub; b) allows dogs and c) has wifi so I can work at night (the only way I can afford to pay for the trips we're taking this summer, since they all come out of my pocket - Mom's income doesn't allow for any extras). I think I finally found one, which is even nicer than the previous rental...but it's also nearly twice the price, at $850 a week. (sigh) Waiting to hear back from the owners to make sure we can get it reserved.

My big huge whine. I got a loan off a debt collector huge interest but i need a proper hoilday. anywhoo booked my holiday to Seville in Spain for a wk booked it with mums credit card as i dont have one was so excited last night even googled tapas bars and what to see and do when just this evening i got an email to say there was a problem with the card????? have spent all night trying to call someone but they are all useless. You see mum has the money on her card but her bank have some stupid system of authorization crap so i have to get her bank to authorizise this payment? also the banks fraud called last night with that stupid message service so you cant talk to anyone "suspicious activity on your card"??????? they ask for dob then your age but theres noone to talk to and tell them that its a legit transaction? if i dont book this flight soon i miss the whole deal AND mum will be charged for the hotel if i dont show? YEH A CRAPPY DAY. just hope i can sort this mess.

btw, I think the reason my mom doesn't get out of hand is I walked out on her 30+ years ago, back in 1977. and I think she is halfway afraid I'll do it again. which I actually would given the proper impetus.

hope, I hear you. I am trying to have a handyman come and do some simple repairs around the house, and put in an outdoor cat run. I have called one guy 3 times, another one twice. The first one has never called back although he repaired our roof last year. The second one, I have no idea what the problem is.

My whine is... My dysfunctional family have another elephant in the room to ignore with my brother being diagnosed with cirrhosis. Maybe it'll go away if we don't talk about it. Maybe we have to sort through all the other elephants before we get to this one. It's starting to feel like a circus in my family!

How does my mom know it's Dr. Day? It's like she has this sixth sense about it... rarely do I mention it anymore or else she will NOT go. Much less the anxiety, stress and grief it gives me knowing she's going to say all those awful things. 'm trying to kill her, I'm trying to get rid of her... I'm plotting to put her away. My stomach is in knots... when she first got up she was so worried about me leaving her, she was literally stuck to my side for a few hours. Now that we are going through the preparation stage of getting us all ready to go... she's glaring/staring and starting the schpeal (sp) on my vindictive plotting to lock her away. We both see the same Dr. Me first... then her. Usually I take her in with me and we just do a double... today I am going to ask that she SIT there and have one of the ladies there keep an eye on her... It is so hard to tell my life ups/downs and worries with her in the room. .... not going to be a good day at all.

Second whine.... seeing that thread pop up You know, the one that say's lots of caregivers die before the person they are caring for?.... my tummy is not feeling this day, at all.

Must add that today, the hospice nurse made a totally unplanned visit right in the middle of the day, for whatever reason....I had already made a vain attempt to plan my day...hahaha...isn't that funny. I thought I had some freakish right to do that...anywho...came right in the middle of the day...and hour late at that, totally screwed up my already screwed up day....and while I love this particular person, I actually found those words coming out of my mouth.. "Does anyone EVER listen to a d*mn thing I say? " I have repeatedly told them that mornings are best for us and that has always been eagerly accepted as for some reason most folks want them to come later...not me...I want to get all that visiting behind me so I can get to the program at hand...I told her today, God, even in this minute matter, no one listens to one damn thing I say...I may as well talk to the d*mn wall....I feel myself going over the edge without a life boat....and I , today, am sick of all of it.....I told her that if someone told me to go to h*ll today I would simply tell them...I am already there

Susan we do the best we can. Tomorrow is another day

emjo....omg....yes, raising my hand here also....and toomuch4me.....I also have a sibling who has never done anything wrong in my Mama's eyes...so the thing I am asking myself now is...why did I decide to do this??? I have done it to myself...I openly acknowledge that....I just don't know why....I have lost absolutely everything I ever worked for, sibling has done nothing to help whatsoever....financial, emotional, whatever, has been totally absent...as has his wife, as have his kids...my Mama's only grandchildren....still if she were able, she would still chime in with the same old same old...poor little (insert name here) he has it so hard, isn't he great!!!! he deserves the very best...and yet all the while I have likened myself to a pack mule...and that is exactly how I feel today..like a pack mule...and I have spent the day wondering how the hell did I let this happen.....for the first time in my life, I can honestly see me, if I'm still alive at that time, telling absolutely everyone in my life to go to hell......

My whine for today:

I'm too tired to do all the stuff I need to do!

That is all. :-)

Toomuch is your Dad by any chance from an old European culture? i won't guess which one but I do have one in mind!!!!!!!!!!

Wow!! emjo--that just stirred up a bunch of resentment that I thought I'd put away. My alcoholic brother could do no wrong, because he was a "doctor". (optometrist) Whereas I, on the other hand, could never do anything right. He's dead now from cirrhosis and look who's the one taking care of Mom. Guess I'm good enough for that. OK, inhale peace and tranquility; exhale resentment and anger. : D

toomuch4me - sounds like you are what I call "the Cinderella child". Some parents - those with narcissistic tendencies - choose a Golden child who can do no wrong, and who is not expected to help, and a Cinderella child, who can be blamed for whatever and who is expected to do the work. I am the Cinderella child of the family and I am learning to say "No" and also to not expect thanks for anything I do. So I detach, detach. detach. I still do my job but as detached as I can.

Fregflyer, it goes beyond that. He doesnt think my sister should lift a finger to do anything. He struggles with walking but when she comes to town, he is eager to carry her suitcases. His view is that rich, successful women like my sister deserve to be catered to and treated like a Queen. Ugly ducklings like myself should be the one serving the Queen. I should change my name to "Celee" from The Color Purple.

Toomuch4me, sounds like your Dad has an old fashioned stereotypical view of women. We are there just to clean, cook, and look after his needs.... [sigh].

My parents [in their 90's] have the same view. My Mom can't understand why I have a career, and my Dad doesn't understand why I hate to shop because all women love shopping.... NOT.

Toomuch - ouch. That must have hurt, about the father's day cards. Maybe you should get a French maid's outfit or a housekeeper's overall and learn to curtsey..??? I'm sorry, I know how it feels to be thinking "oh don't mind me, I'm just the help."

My whine of the day is that my father is ungrateful and enjoys showing how much he dislikes me. Its okay. He knows how hard I worked to make a nice Father's Day for him and he acted non chalant. Just like he did on his birthday and of course he acted cold on Mother's Day. Yesterday he started the day complaining that he did not get any cards...he was really just waiting for one from my sister. He took her card out and sat it on his dresser. This morning he started out by being ugly toward my daughter simply because she was coming out of her room when he went into the bathroom. When I went up to tell him to hurry because we had a big breakfast waiting he snaps "Well Im not going to stay in here forever..." he pretended to be happy during breakfast but it was awkward. He was really just waiting for his daily call from my sister. At four oclock when I had the nerve to stand in the kitchen and talk to our weekend HHA he looks at me with a dirty look and says, "Well can I have dinner now ?" as if I had the nerve to stand there, not working for a minute. He didnt act the least bit grateful for all of the time I took to make all of the things he wanted for today. This isnt the first time. He knows it bothers me and I can see he does it on purpose. When my siblings called he just said ":the ladies" fixed me a nice meal. He puts me on the same level as his Home Health Attendants. I cannot stand him and cant wait to escape. Oh and he just stuck the cards me and my children gave him back in the envelope and laid them down. He didnt even bother to read them.

Once we admit what? That our loved on has problems? hahahaha.... okay, I admit, mom has a problem, probably I do as well.

My mom was diagnosed at least 5 years ago. It was in writing. Alzheimer's. She is Stage 6 now. It is not I who am in denial. I educated myself and still educate on this disease. I didn't stuff my head in the ground and pretend things were not happening. I left everything I loved... came here to help my parent's who were my first love. Doesn't matter if she does not act like the mom I once knew. I know what's going on as I educated myself. That does not mean I am going to stuff her away somewhere...

Thank you for your insight, it seems like you've just stepped out of denial yourself and realize what's going on.

Be blessed on your journey.

For those of you having to care for a spouse, parent, sibling whomever, and if they have Alzheimer's - be specific and get it diagnosed - whatever they tell you about it not being able to be diagnosed or if you think it's just Demensia but some behaviours are getting out of hand, get a diagnosis and get it in writing. If you are dealing with a worsening memory condition - just go along with it. Agree and postpone and be busy and agree some more - most of all, let it go. Stop beating yourselves up about it and thinking you are doing some disservice or take on a bunch of guilt about it. You are not dealing with the person you've known all your life or most of your life. They have changed and will continue to change so tell them what they want to hear. Chances are, they will forget and will ask you again - and again - and again. This is what I've learned over the year and a half we finally had my mother's aging condition looked at professionally. I can't believe she was still driving this time last year. By denying it though (as I did for a long, long time) and not doing anything about it- that's when you should start feeling guilty because once you admit it, help is available, steps can be taken and most of all YOU can get the help YOU need.

So far bugs haven't been a problem in the Pacific North West. Just the occasional quarter sized black spider crawling across the ceiling....

mosquitos not too bad I have small water garden and rain barrels for watering and I put insecticide in them but have had ants in the kitchen for about a month now plus some of the cats are getting eat mites again.
Dad's cold pretty much gone but coughing up "stuff" which is getting annoying to hear.