Client keeps making unwanted sexual advances, touching my hair, stroking my face, saying "I'm a man and have needs." I stay overnight in his house to help a friend, the man is her father. One night at 4:00am he opened my bedroom door and said "I'm a man and have needs," luckilly he left and shut the door.
I am very uncomfortable with his touching and comments. I am a survivor of sexual abuse and his behavior is triggering memories. I don't know what to do.
One thing about childhood sexual abuse, children are groomed by their predator. It can be a teacher, counselor or priest. However, they are predators if they are preying on children or vulnerable adults. Children are taught to trust their abusers. This is affecting your mental health. Please leave this situation.
It doesn’t matter if you are being paid by this person or not, it’s time to leave this situation.
Do you feel responsible for his care? You’re not. He will find someone else to care for him or he can enter a facility.
He needs to be on meds to control his ‘needs’ as he puts it.
Who asked you to care for him? If someone other than your client hired you, tell them what has happened and leave.
If they care about his wellbeing they will take it upon themselves to have a doctor prescribe meds and then find a suitable caregiver for him.
If he hired you, then tell him that the job isn’t working out and leave.
Best of luck to you. You will always be able to find another job. Caregivers are in high demand.
You have to look after yourself.
You might not want to quit and think it's okay to stay. Well, it isn't. But if you do decide to stay, buy a simple wedge and fit it firmly under your door during your private times. Get one for the door of the bathroom that you use also. (My niece's stepfather was quite proficient at cornering her in the shower.) You can buy them in a hardware store, in the hardware or lock department of Walmart, or even in a drugstore.
As for a reply when he tells you about his "needs," try saying, "Well, I'm a woman and I have cojones" followed by a knee strategically applied to the place where his "needs" originate. Then he will have been "kneed" and distracted from his "needs."
These perverts are always looking for an opening to molest. In my experience, they don't quit until they're six feet under. Need - less to say, I find them disgusting.
However, this man might not have been like this before dementia. It could be damage to the brain that has affected his personality and his sexual urges.
You really shouldn't tell us details about your niece - that's her private business. I would be devastated if someone told my personal history, even if I had not been identified.
If you plan to remain there and I strongly urge you not to, then there MUST be a lock installed on the bedroom door where you sleep today otherwise you will not work your shift tonight. Please do take JoAnn's good advice in the comments and don't understimate the strength or mental abilities of this sexual predator.
I did homecare for 25 years and have had many male clients who have behaved innappropriately or made sexual assault attempts. I used the pepper spray a few times on clients like this. I've shoved a few to the ground. I once knocked one in his face with a skillet. He put hands on me when I was at the sink washing the dishes. The skillet was what I had available.
Get a rape whistle and wear it around your neck. Get some pepper spray too. The next time he touches any part of you, blow that whistle as loud as you can in his ear or spray him with the pepper spray. This person ever approaches you again with the 'I'm a man and have needs' threat, you make sure you put him in need of first aid assistance.
No one regardless of age or mental capacity may put their hands on you or make sexual threats or any other kind. You have a right whether a person has dementia or not, is mentally disabled or not, or is just a sexual predator, to keep yourself safe. If that means defending yourself violently if needs be, then you do.
Seriously though, you quit that position.
You say you are working with a to help your friend, his daughter.
Time to have a sit-down with daughter to inform her that her dad is suffering from some hypersexuality that can be common in some dementias. Tell her that she needs to consult his doctor about this, and that there are some medications that can often help with this acting out.
You are uncomfortable in this job and handling this because of your history or for whatever reason. That is the time to quit the job. Your services are needed and you will get another. It is a simple thing to tell your friend what you just told us, and tell her you wish her all best luck and understand her dad had no control, but that it's something you can't tolerate.
I wonder if she also experienced sexual abuse?
The first thing you do is STOP staying over night to help your friend.
You NEVER are to be in a room with him alone.
While you are there is he touches you in ANY way that is unnecessary, unwanted, you tell him to stop and leave the room.
This man has dementia so he is not going to stop, probably does not understand what he is doing. But that does not mean you have to tolerate it.
I also wonder if they have had other caregivers that have experienced this. This could put the family in a position where there could be a lawsuit if they do not inform potential caregivers that he is a predator.
Since this is triggering for you if you have seen a counselor or therapist in the past it might be a good idea to sit down and have a few more discussions.
I will tell you what you already know...
This is not your fault, you have done nothing to encourage him. You need to do whatever you have to do to keep yourself safe physically and mentally.
So tell your friend that you can no longer help her father as it is just causing too much stress for you because of your past.
And if she doesn't understand, then she really isn't much of a friend.
There are a lot of dementia patients that don't have sex on the brain all the time, that I'm sure their families would welcome your help.
Best wishes in finding a new job/client.
I only recently told my best friends of 50 years about my childhood abuse. It may be that the OP has not told her friend. I don't think that anyone should have to tell anyone about their experience of abuse if they don't want to.
I worked for a company years ago, I didn't feel comfortable around certain men, with a certain kind of anger. Bottom line if there anger reminded me of my father, then I would call the office and ask them to find someone else .
The company didn't want people caregiving clients they were uncomfortable with. Some personalities just clash, where I was really patient and good with some clients that others couldn't deal with.
You should not be working for this man he is triggering your mental health!! Period, you need to not be working for him , it jeopardize your mental health.
Someone else probably will know just how to handle him, and not be bothered.
I had people ask me , how can I do this. I honestly didn't know. We had a good relationship.
I realize now I did it for the people that couldnt do it and shouldn't do it.
After I learned the truth I did donate a couple of antiques he gave me, because I didn't want them around me.
And yes even elderly demented men can and do rape so you are putting yourself at risk and in jeopardy being here. Just the fact that you cannot stand up for yourself with this client regarding him touching you is a big red flag and danger for you.
The PoA will have to deal with this issue no matter who the caregiver is. This is a fairly common behavior for some dementias. Please protect your physical, mental and emotional self as a priority, even if the PoA begs you to continue. The answer needs to be no.
I would slap his hand if he tried to stroke my face.
However, it did sound accusatory, which Inpurgatory doesn't need.