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My sister and I live in the same town. Both married, dual working parents, kids in high school and middle school. We are stretched incredibly thin as it is.


My parents live in a different town, and my dad's dementia has progressed to a point where day-to-day life has become challenging for my mom, as he's a very difficult personality (prideful and quick to anger) and is losing his ability to do things independently. His memory care team has been aggressively encouraging them to pursue a move up here.


In the time that my sister and I have lived here, my parents trips up here have been relatively sparse and short, particularly given that they have 2 sets of grandkids up here. Which is fine, they can live their lives how they want. I don't resent it at all. It does seem like terrible advice to be pushing someone with moderate dementia to move somewhere where they clearly have never been comfortable.


My sister and I have pretty much drawn a line that they would need to move into a retirement or continuing care here (or really anywhere) as a next move - because of all of the baked in support that you get in these communities. It would give her instant comradery with other people in the same scenario and room to breathe a bit. Financially it is very doable for my parents.


But my mom keeps insisting on moving to an apartment or house here, because they find the senior living options too depressing. They are in their late 70s but feel "too young" when they look at continuing care residents.


Given our other life constraints, there is no way that my sister and I can provide the level of support to offset what we think could be a much more difficult situation for my mom.


We keep going through this cycle where my mom sort of hits a bottom and then tries to dig out of it by half-heartedly pursuing the move here. And then it results in a mini fight with me and my sister. I feel like a jerk, but moving a dementia patient to a new town that he seems to dislike just seems like the terrible decision.


I know my opinion is clouded by what benefits me personally, so I just want to know - are we bad people? Should we be offering more support to my mom?


Thank you!

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Moving a dementia parent and a WELL parent (your Mom is well, is she not, and relatively young by today's standards) to a new town they do not want to live in and a new facility they don't want to live in, or an apartment where their current downward slide will become a ski slope to be managed by you? Kind of the definition of insanity.

You ask the moral obligation. There is none.
A parent is obligated to any child he brings into the world until the age of majority.
That child owes obligation to any child HE or SHE brings into the world. Obligation is paid forward, not backward. Every other animal flies the nest and is never seen again. Humanity is the one that asks this question eternally.

You don't mention what you mother wants.
She is the caregiver. Talk with her about how long she intends to/can do this.
She is young.
To my mind your mother should continue to live where she has spent her life and clearly wants to live, and you should visit as you have done. She and your father's assets stand for their care. She can hire help as required. Unless you are telling me there is also no assets in which case you have a REAL problem on your hands, one worse than looking at this superficially.

I would let my mother know she cannot move in with either of you either now with Dad or when Dad is gone. That when she moves and needs care she must move TO care.

This is all matter of what your mother wants for her own life (she doesn't get to dictate anything that involves YOUR LIVES.)
And what you and your sister want for YOUR lives.

There comes a time. It did for me with my brother. He was diagnosed with probable early Lewy's dementia. Had to decided if he wanted to stay longer in his tight little community dependent on the help of friends and hired people, or move closer to where I love and into care, or move where he was into care. He chose the latter. These are not easy decisions and NONE ARE PERFECT.

The thing to remember is that you and Sis need not throw your own lives on the funeral pyre of your parents. It isn't your obligation. Some people CHOOSE to do this. And if they choose it then that is their own choice for their own lives, and they must do the best they can with their choices.

No one can decide this but YOU, your SISTER and your MOM. Dad is out of the equation due both to his history of being uncooperative and his current medical condition. His opinion is irrelevant in your ongoing talks with your mother.

You and Sister need first to sit with one another and decide your limitations.
Then the TWO OF YOU as a UNITED FRONT sit with your Mother and explain first your limitations, and second her choices for a plan going forward.

Who knows. Perhaps she will tell you that their plan is feet first out the door. If it is then you will have to live without the comfort of any certainty and play it as it lays.

Not everything in aging parents will ever be perfect. Most things won't even be good. It's a matter of doing it the best you can and surviving it.

Were anything to happen to my partner (we are 81 and 83) I would move closer to my daughter, who lives several states away, BUT I would move into care. NOT WITH HER. Not EVER with her. And the fact your mother would consider doing this to you I find already a huge reg flag fluttering all over you.
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comforteagle Nov 4, 2023
To be sure - they don't want to move in with us, just near us - but in an scenario where they'd just be living in a house or apartment. And yes, getting to the point where we'd get my Dad out of the decision-making process entirely... that would be really helpful.
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Thank you, everyone, for taking the time to offer your *incredibly* helpful advice. I am going to sleep much easier tonight than I did last night after receiving a BANANAS email from my mom at 10 pm. Seems like the path ahead is pretty obvious: stop feeling guilty, as there's nothing that I can reasonably do to make my parents' life better other than continuing to help them towards a move to a community that will offer them more social outlets and easier access to support for my dad. Ideally that community will be near us, so we can step in to help in true emergency scenarios.
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Be clear to your parents what you can and cannot do. Tell them the ship for a house or apartment has sailed because your father needs more support than you and your sister can provide. He will continue to get worse, it will not improve. They need to be in a facility that has support services.

Your children’s needs come first.

BE VERY CLEAR AND BLUNT. I felt terrible that I made my mother cry when I told her my sisters and I did not want to prop up her so called independent living anymore, but I know I made my point.
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You owe your parents nothing. Just say no. They will get better care at a facility than at the apartment anyway. The "too depressing" reason is nothing but an excuse to obligate you to do something you don't want to do.
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Fawnby Nov 5, 2023
Well said.
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Mom should consider moving to an Independent Living facility (much less depressing, more activities) and hire LOTS of help with dad.

You do not owe them your life.

Having them close by will make YOUR life easier as they age and have more trips to the ER and EOL issues.

But maintain healthy boundaries and decide how much you are willing to do. Your parents have to hire the rest of the support.

I.e., they don't decide to buy a house and instruct YOU to do all the home maintenance.
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This is not a moral issue.
You did not make them grow old.
You did not cause your father’s dementia.
You are not responsible for solving their problems brought on by their aging and dementia.

A familiar alarm bell in your post: My mother (98), who is in an advanced stage of dementia, refused to associate with “old” people at seniors’ centres, and now her care home, even though she was likely the oldest person there. This detachment from her own realty was one of the first signs of her cognitive decline. Your mother is refusing options that would make things easier for herself. Poor judgement. “Too depressing” likely refers to her own disappointment at facing her reality.

Senior living in your town or NO move.
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waytomisery Nov 4, 2023
I agree . When they say I’m not like those old people , that’s a red flag .
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Some of what you're asking projects alot of guilt. I think when it comes right down to it, there's a level of which you have to be honest with yourself so that you can really identify what YOU need verses what you are emotionally capable of giving. It's hard. All of it is. There's a fine line between love/guilt/what is "owed". Perhaps it may be better for you, if you take the label of "what is owed" off the table, and just look what is the best thing for all involved.
I have no more left for my family in terms of what is "owed". Been there. What I have found in truly accepting my plight in all of this, is that I cannot and will not control anyone's outcome by becoming a director and producer in the shit show I'm currently watching. I changed that channel long ago. I only step in when it concerns the need for compassion and dignity.
I've done, and continue to do, what I've been doing for decades. And as long as she's safe, fed, and relatively happy, I'm good. I do not feel as though my family or anyone else "owes" me, nor I them, because I have formed my own guidelines for living and breathing through all of it. There are parts of my family that get angry at me for doing what I NEED TO DO in my own time and in my own space with it, and for that, they can lose all of the sleep over it, if that's what they deem for themselves. For me, I sleep just fine. I cannot care for those who do not care about me. If you feel as though you give your mother enough support, then I say you really need to sit with that and have a conversation with her on the needs you have. Again , it seems as though you're a person who has been manipulated and motivated by guilt your who life...And I don't truly know if that's what has happened, but the bottom line is that you are no good to your mother if you're not ok FIRST.
I told my own mother today, "I love you but I cannot run up here everytime you want me to, due to scheduling/work. And she seems to understand, but there have been times that she tries to throw some guilt my way. Other extended parts of my family b***h every chance they get because they feel I should do things their way. I'm the one with the tasks - I do what I need to do. I'm there 2 days a week with outside treats and surprises, and she gets her outings when possible. I cannot do anymore than what I have and I won't. I'm worn out and I have my own life outside of hers and my fam. I advise you to think about what's best for all involved - not what is "owed" to you/them/anyone else. That may help you.
My mother is safe, fed, and relatively happy. THAT is what is best for all.
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comforteagle Nov 4, 2023
Yes you are right. It's silly to think that I would feel compelled to do something with 0% chance of success purely out of guilt, but here we are! Really I want her to be happy and have her life be easier. Moving up here and trying to dump her life in our lap - that ain't it.
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You’re not bad people. You’re smart people! You know what your limitations are. Good for you!
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It's pretty clear to me that I moved to Independent living or assisted living is the best thing. I understand your mother doesn't want to uproot them and move to a new community. Please keep in mind that once they move into an IL or AL community, they can make new friends and the majority of their lives will revolve around the community and not the outside town.

It is much better both for the supporting family and the LOs to have the supporting family close. The LOs will function better with visits from the family and the caregivers at the community will pay more attention. Win/win.
Yes it will take lots of adjustment and accommodation to begin with as they continue to age, the difficulty of helping them from afar will just increase. The difficulty of moving them into their own place and then possibly moving them to assisted living in their own town and then making the decision to move closer to you would be massive work. Please think very carefully about the best solution for all of you, not what they "want" but what they and you need for the best care for all of you.
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The social worker is trying to lighten their load by insisting you need to step up more and most people don't realize they can say NO I CAN'T DO THAT.

My father was getting discharged after prostate surgery and my teen daughter and I went to pick him up. The nurse came in to show him how to empty the catheter bag so I excused myself and daughter while she did that. She looked at me and asked me where I thought I was going. She needed to show me how to empty the bag. I bluntly replied "Oh no you don't" and walked out of the room. I was a government accountant, not someone who was used to dealing in bodily fluids during the course of their workday.
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waytomisery Nov 5, 2023
I lost count how many times the hospital believed my parents when they lied and told them that I did not work and that I lived with them to avoid rehab . They listen to the patient . My nephew was just backed into a corner by a PA at the hospital trying to take his Mom home because the patient wants to go home . The patient needs 24/7 care.
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