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Mom is always in pain it seems and asks for her pain pills all the time. She moans a groans and always says she hurts. She is always asking me to get her coffee and food, etc. because it is hard for her to walk. Well - the other day she had a visitor that mentioned that she needed to go to an assisted living situation (which is in progress). Mom suddenly got up and walked around without her cane and was in no pain and told her friend "let's go shopping". It was like her whole personality changed. As soon as they left, she went back to her moaning and groaning. Is this normal? Has she been taking advantage of my help this whole time?

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Get a Blood Pressure monitor. Get a base reading. When Mom complains about pain, take her blood pressure, it should be elevated if the pain is bad.
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waytomisery May 21, 2024
My mother would hold her breath and cross her legs to make her blood pressure go up on purpose . 🙄🙄
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Dementia is a brain disease. I suspect that it will confuse those pain receptors as well. It is weird to see someone doubled in pain one minute and laughing with friends the next. You will begin to think that maybe our loved ones or patients are faking their symptoms.

I'm not a doctor or shrink, and I'm not going to negate any symptoms that someone is feeling. If the pain feels real to them, this is all that matters. I'm learning through everyone's experience here that anything goes. I don't need to argue, correct or get overly concerned with these behaviors unless there is an actual emergency.
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NeedHelpWithMom May 24, 2024
I think this makes sense.

Look at how placebos work for certain people.

I totally agree with not arguing.

They will just double down on their stance and no one will get through to them anyway.

Scampi,

You are smart enough to know that you will be talking to a brick wall, if you try to have a rational conversation with a person who has advanced dementia.

Plus, you have experience with dementia symptoms, so it isn’t puzzling to you.
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Yes, of course people with dementia can "fake it" and even stage falls and other "emergencies" to get attention. I have seen this many, many times. A person can have dementia and not be so far gone that they can't plan and carry something out. I call this behavior "performances" and my friend, I've saw this show for 25 years.

Often on this forum I will tell a poster who is dealing with the caregiving of a needy senior with or without dementia to not play the person's attention-seeking games.

I had a care client years ago who used to stage "falls". Then she'd call me in hysterics that she needed help and like a fool, I'd go running. I was new in this line of work but caught on quick. The next time she had a "fall" I told her I would call the paramedics for her and her out-of-town daughter. She begged me not to and said if only I could just come. I did not go to her again but called the paramedics and her daughter anyway. She never staged another fall or called me again with an "emergency" because I stopped playing her get attention game. She knew what she was doing.

My mother has been doing the practiced invalid game for decades. It gets her nowhere. She tries it out on some people and when she doesn't get the desired outcome from them she will try with others and that usually fails also. Some people crave pity from others. They like others to feel sorry for them and they want to be 'babied' by someone.

Oh, hell no. You don't 'baby' an adult. If said adult is so far gone with dementia that they have regressed back into being a baby, they belong in a nursing home.

Don't play your mother's games. Encourage others not to either. A person's independence is the most important thing in the world and sometimes there needs to be some tough love to help a person retain the highest level of independence they can. Not being waited on or 'babied' might make someone angry at you. They may even grow to dislike and even hate you, but making a person do for themselves where they can and not pitying them is always the best thing for them.
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Rogerwyatt7890 May 15, 2024
I agree totally. She does play a lot of games and I'm tired of it. She had told me she hates me many times. She was walking around and just being normal when the friend told her she needs to go to assisted living. That is when Mom got angry and kind of told her off. I think this is why other siblings want nothing to do with her. She is a bipolar sociopath. I love her dearly and that's why I took on this horrible experience but in the long run I hope I can look back and say I did my best. Thanks so much.
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Thisvis how I look at Dementia. They end up becoming like children. When I child falls and scrapes their leg, you might think they are dying. Same with a person with Dementia. Andvlike a child, they push boundaries to see what they can get away with. And the person they play, is the Caregiver. After Mom said "lets go shopping" to her friend and then when they left she fell back into her "oh poor me"...you should have said "seems funny you had no aches and pains while friend was here and you could go shopping. Seems Mom you can do more than u have lead me to believe.

Your new to this and there is a learning curve. I may just hide a camera to see just how much Mom doesvfor herself when ur gone. Then show it to her.
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BurntCaregiver May 19, 2024
Don't play the games.
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My daddy did this all the time. Its called showtiming - see definition:

'Show Timing', sometimes referred to as 'host/hostess mode', is when a person with dementia can display lucid and coherent behavior in front of medical professionals, in other words act as their 'normal selves', but be confused and lost around loved ones or caregivers.

She most likely is in pain. But as someone else has written try the blood pressure method and if she is in real pain her blood pressure will rise. If you have to give a placebo to satisfy her to see if that works - yes I did say that! We can only try things it is all a trial and error disease! A prayer was said for you today!
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caring4kin May 24, 2024
My mother does this. We always check her BP to see if her pain level is impacting her BP. The other day she took her BP cuff to her adult day care medical center to tell them her BP cuff wasn't working because she was in pain and the cuff was reporting her BP as low.

She is a life-long narcissist with mild to moderate dementia.
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My mother with dementia and lifelong narcissism could showtime and also was very manipulative . The doctor told me she was capable of both .

So yes , your mom could be faking at times .
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Finley12 May 24, 2024
My mom also has NPD along with dementia. Recently she had cataract surgery and we’ve been back and forth to the eye doctor several times with complaints. Every time we go to check with the eye doctor there is nothing wrong besides her dry eye which we’re addressing. I'm not sure if she’s faking or she doesn’t cope with any discomfort now.

The struggle with dementia mixed with NPD is extremely difficult. 🥴
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I am not sure what stage or how advance her dementia is but the experience I had with my dad was that he had pain but not all the time. He was always, incessantly complaining about back pain but then I realized I was asking the wrong questions. Instead of asking if he was in pain, I started asking ....."is your back hurting right now?" More often than not I would get the reply ..."no it does not hurt right now, but when it does ugghhhh...." I would suggest you change your questions, and it is going to be trial and error. Could it be she forgot she took the meds earlier?

I like to believe that it was not malicious or intentional, it was, for him, just the brain and cognition deteriorating.
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Your mom sounds like mine. She DOES have arthritis but she acts like she is dying sometimes. She lives with me and when she thinks I’m sleeping she can walk up and down the stairs fine…slowly but fine. If I’m awake she will moan and groan so loudly it’s crazy! I told her I was going to contact someone to put in a stair lift and she said she would refuse to use it 🙄. The other day she ‘hurt’ her knee, refused to see a doctor but needed to use her cane. At times though she forgets and walks fine without her cane. Most of the time I just don’t respond to her complaining. It seems mostly to try and get attention. I feel bad but I cannot feed into it or I will go crazy myself.
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caring4kin May 24, 2024
I feel your pain, AmyInPA! My mother does the same thing! Such a lot of effort into faking pain, but as soon as we are out of the room we can see on the monitor she is walking fine, picking up things, no groaning or wincing or holding onto the cabinets. If it wasn't so frustrating it might actually be funny...
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Yes. Example: My mother said she was suffering terribly. So weak. So much pain. Couldn’t walk. Totally helpless. Needed both me and my husband to do everything for her that day. Then a neighbour drove up and she got up, tossed the cane and scampered over to the car. We were gobsmacked.

We started photo-documenting to help get her into a care home. (she showtimed so well she even talked her way out of a suicide psych hold)

We were so frustrated and resentful,

People think of dementia as loss of memory and loss of skills. We found it removed my mother’s filter such that she would say or do anything in order to get what she wanted when she wanted it.
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Rogerwyatt7890 May 15, 2024
So true. They are manipulative. I'm not falling for it anymore. If she can walk around without her cane and make her own lunch why am I here helping 24/7. My grandson came over on mother's day and said Gramma I really miss you, please come back home. It was so hard to just not leave.
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Can dementia cause imaginary pain?

Finally, mental pain can be exasperated by dementia. Patients may experience significant loss or grief, even when confused or disoriented. This can lead to social, spiritual or emotional pain, which is felt physically like other types of pain.

Mother needs to be assessed by a physician.

Gena / Touch Matters
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BurntCaregiver May 25, 2024
@Touch

I think you're right. A person with dementia may be similar to a hypochondriac and imagine that they're in pain and theres something terribly wrong when in reality there is nothing wrong.
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