Wishing you peace, Bob. You have been through so much. You deserve a life of your own.
To the OP, lotsofloveO2, your profile is empty. Please share your story with us if you like.
I was a caregiver for my parents for many years. Indeed it is a labor of love and a huge sacrifice. It was certainly the toughest job that I have ever had.
I second Burnt on this one, for sure. Bob, please consider counseling for yourself. Up to you where you go with a good counselor, but I think it may help you comb things out.
Your caregiving journey with your mother has taken too many years of your young life. She will never show love and appreciation for you and everything you've done and sacrificed to her care. People like this never do because they are narcissists. They think that because they're suffering other people should happily become slaves to them and their needs.
You've done enough for your mother and now it's time to start doing for you. What makes you happy? What do you like to do? Where do you want to go? What do you want to see? What does Bob want out of life?
My friend, you should really think about this. Make yourself a list.
First things first though. Both you and your mother need counseling. Separate counseling, not together. Your mother needs to learn coping strategies to get out of her head. Very often when a person has survived a serious illness or trauma, they actually believe that they are total invalids that must be waited on hand and foot. They also convince themselves that they can't handle their own business in life.
This is called learned helplessness and abusive neediness. These kinds of people are usually abusive to the person who they have made into their care slave. I know this because I lived it with my mother and with many of my care clients tried this kind of behavior. I put the brakes on the abusive behavior from my clients right quick, but when I was living home I was over a barrel as they say because I fell on some hard times. My mother took full advantage of that.
Please get into counseling so you can learn how to get out of your own way. Any care needs your mother has now can be done by someone else. If she chooses to remain invalid, that's on her not you.
As a whole, I've had to take care of my mom for almost that same amount of time. Next month will mark 14 years. It started a couple of weeks after I graduated HS when she hurt her ankle. She hasn't been 100% mobile ever since and while my senior summer got cut short and I lost out on a potential senior trip, it didn't cost me college. However, I didn't get to fully kick back and relax when I was home, whether it be for a weekend or break.
She started using a walker in 2012 while I was in college and it looked like she was about to ditch it when I graduated college. However, she hurt her back 2 weeks after I graduated and had to continue using it. For years, we thought the main reason for her mobility woes was baggage from the ankle injury. Surgery was needed and while the bone healed, she had to fight off an infection via antibiotics and do multiple rounds of PT. We had secondary reasons, but we have different ideas. She thought it was lack of proper dieting and lack of exercise. I thought it was her simply getting old and possibly aging a little faster than expected. 60 wasn't the new 40 for her. 60 ended up being 60. Ultimately, we found out in 2017 that that wasn't the case at all.
It turned out that she had undiagnosed breast cancer the whole time. Her doctor determined it was stage 1 & a slow-growing lump that formed 5 years prior, roughly around the time she started using a walker. She had a lumpectomy over 3 weeks after the diagnosis. Over a month later, she started her treatments and they lasted for nearly a year and a half. She received 6 rounds of chemo for roughly 3 months, once every 3 weeks. Two days after the chemo treatments ended, she felt lightheaded and in fear of falling & getting hurt, she went from using a walker to using a wheelchair.
A month after the chemo ended, she started her herceptin treatments, as well as radiation. She had 33 rounds of radiation and 26 herceptin treatments. Some of the herceptin treatments were done on the same day as radiation treatments. The radiation was every weekday, while the herceptin was done every 2 weeks and took over a year to finish. She drove herself to the last of the radiation treatments, but I would do the driving most of the time for all the treatments. The treatments didn't make her exhausted, but they made her weak. Luckily, the diagnosis came after she turned 65 and medicare covered everything.
3 months before the herceptin treatments ended, she had a 2nd ankle injury and she's been immobile ever since. This summer will mark 6 years. She had to rely on a van from one of the nursing homes to get to some of her treatments. However, surgery wasn't needed and the ankle healed on its own.
When the treatments ended, her oncologist wanted her to take cancer pills, but she refused after discovering she didn't have to take them. She also didn't want to suffer any of the side effects. It took a year for the chemo-based diarrhea to end and her hair thickened up as time went on. She contemplated starting PT in early 2020, but Covid had other ideas. She hasn't been in a car or in town since Feb. 2020. She has steadily been up & around the house less & less often in the past 4+ years. Idk how much of it is remaining effects from the treatments, bad habits catching up, or lack of motivation. I feel like the treatments aged her body 20 years. She's more 92 than 72. I have to lift her on & off of things. She has leaned on me for everything & won't get extra help for fear of getting robbed. I get few breaks and I haven't been on a vacation since 2017. She keeps putting PT off and her Covid and flu paranoia is so strong, she won't even do at-home PT. As much as I want her to do PT and get our lives back, I don't want to see her die from Covid and find myself w/out parents in my early 30s. My dad died 2 years ago.
I wish she would show her love & appreciation for me by getting me extra help and being more active. Idk when, how, and what it'll take for this to end.
To the OP, lotsofloveO2, your profile is empty. Please share your story with us if you like.
I was a caregiver for my parents for many years. Indeed it is a labor of love and a huge sacrifice. It was certainly the toughest job that I have ever had.
Bob, please consider counseling for yourself. Up to you where you go with a good counselor, but I think it may help you comb things out.
Your caregiving journey with your mother has taken too many years of your young life. She will never show love and appreciation for you and everything you've done and sacrificed to her care. People like this never do because they are narcissists. They think that because they're suffering other people should happily become slaves to them and their needs.
You've done enough for your mother and now it's time to start doing for you. What makes you happy? What do you like to do? Where do you want to go? What do you want to see? What does Bob want out of life?
My friend, you should really think about this. Make yourself a list.
First things first though. Both you and your mother need counseling. Separate counseling, not together. Your mother needs to learn coping strategies to get out of her head. Very often when a person has survived a serious illness or trauma, they actually believe that they are total invalids that must be waited on hand and foot. They also convince themselves that they can't handle their own business in life.
This is called learned helplessness and abusive neediness. These kinds of people are usually abusive to the person who they have made into their care slave. I know this because I lived it with my mother and with many of my care clients tried this kind of behavior. I put the brakes on the abusive behavior from my clients right quick, but when I was living home I was over a barrel as they say because I fell on some hard times. My mother took full advantage of that.
Please get into counseling so you can learn how to get out of your own way. Any care needs your mother has now can be done by someone else. If she chooses to remain invalid, that's on her not you.
You deserve a life Bob. Let yourself have one.
She started using a walker in 2012 while I was in college and it looked like she was about to ditch it when I graduated college. However, she hurt her back 2 weeks after I graduated and had to continue using it. For years, we thought the main reason for her mobility woes was baggage from the ankle injury. Surgery was needed and while the bone healed, she had to fight off an infection via antibiotics and do multiple rounds of PT. We had secondary reasons, but we have different ideas. She thought it was lack of proper dieting and lack of exercise. I thought it was her simply getting old and possibly aging a little faster than expected. 60 wasn't the new 40 for her. 60 ended up being 60. Ultimately, we found out in 2017 that that wasn't the case at all.
It turned out that she had undiagnosed breast cancer the whole time. Her doctor determined it was stage 1 & a slow-growing lump that formed 5 years prior, roughly around the time she started using a walker. She had a lumpectomy over 3 weeks after the diagnosis. Over a month later, she started her treatments and they lasted for nearly a year and a half. She received 6 rounds of chemo for roughly 3 months, once every 3 weeks. Two days after the chemo treatments ended, she felt lightheaded and in fear of falling & getting hurt, she went from using a walker to using a wheelchair.
A month after the chemo ended, she started her herceptin treatments, as well as radiation. She had 33 rounds of radiation and 26 herceptin treatments. Some of the herceptin treatments were done on the same day as radiation treatments. The radiation was every weekday, while the herceptin was done every 2 weeks and took over a year to finish. She drove herself to the last of the radiation treatments, but I would do the driving most of the time for all the treatments. The treatments didn't make her exhausted, but they made her weak. Luckily, the diagnosis came after she turned 65 and medicare covered everything.
3 months before the herceptin treatments ended, she had a 2nd ankle injury and she's been immobile ever since. This summer will mark 6 years. She had to rely on a van from one of the nursing homes to get to some of her treatments. However, surgery wasn't needed and the ankle healed on its own.
When the treatments ended, her oncologist wanted her to take cancer pills, but she refused after discovering she didn't have to take them. She also didn't want to suffer any of the side effects. It took a year for the chemo-based diarrhea to end and her hair thickened up as time went on. She contemplated starting PT in early 2020, but Covid had other ideas. She hasn't been in a car or in town since Feb. 2020. She has steadily been up & around the house less & less often in the past 4+ years. Idk how much of it is remaining effects from the treatments, bad habits catching up, or lack of motivation. I feel like the treatments aged her body 20 years. She's more 92 than 72. I have to lift her on & off of things. She has leaned on me for everything & won't get extra help for fear of getting robbed. I get few breaks and I haven't been on a vacation since 2017. She keeps putting PT off and her Covid and flu paranoia is so strong, she won't even do at-home PT. As much as I want her to do PT and get our lives back, I don't want to see her die from Covid and find myself w/out parents in my early 30s. My dad died 2 years ago.
I wish she would show her love & appreciation for me by getting me extra help and being more active. Idk when, how, and what it'll take for this to end.