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My mam passed away 18 months ago & I’ve had my dad staying with me for what I thought would be a couple of weeks that has now turned into 19 months. They was married for 58 years & was soul mates & best friends. I’ve been here for my dad since my mam had a stroke nearly 2 years ago which left her paralysed & brain damaged it was heartbreaking. I now feel like Im totally drained & worn out. I’ve suffered with depression myself for a number of years. My dad sits watching the television most of the day & when I come home from work I used to love the quietness ( I’ve always liked my own company) which I have found so hard having my dad with me for so long. Is it selfish of me to want to my dad to go back to his own home. I also have 2 brothers which their lives haven’t changed a bit & feel like my life has turned upside down.my dad is 79. I’ve given up my bed so he can have my double bed so I’ve gone into the single bedroom. I feel like I haven’t got a life anymore

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No its not selfish - over time you can just get burnout as your parent needs increase. we have a few people in work that started off looking after their elderly parent and literally said i had no life and decided to go down the road of assisted care (care home). Theres only so much a person can cope with and to be frank it makes it even harder when others in the family arent pulling their weight and helping and just getting on with their life. A lot of families break up over this very issue. If you feel you cant cope - for whatever reason - remember that you did try and made sacrifices and feel proud of that. Dont think in terms of selfish etc. Self care is as important as caring for others.... maybe even more so really. You deserve a life as well. You can still visit and maintain a great relationship.
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Reply to Jenny10
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Just do it! No need to explain. Say Dad, it’s time you went back to your place. We are moving you next Saturday. Perhaps you should start packing your things to take. Do you need to borrow any suitcases or boxes?

Get the suit cases or boxes and put them on ‘his’ bed. The move just happens, no recriminations, no complaints, no explanations. If he asks why, the answer is ‘it’s time’. Repeat "it's time". Repeat "it's time".

Beatty has some good suggestions for discussion about ‘what happens next’.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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You offered a safe haven after the storm.

Makes sense to both start sailing again now. Taking different journeys as you are separate people & are different ages.

Time for your Father to find out just what he wants to do now. What sort of life he wants.. move into an elder village & increase his social life? Have dinner in the dining room with others, join the walking group, the lawn bowls, a men's shed? Or a neat condo for a quiet life, a comfy chair & meals delivered.

Since he has a significant birthday coming up, good timing.
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Reply to Beatty
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You’re not selfish at all. All of your feelings are perfectly normal. Tell him how you feel.

You can help him find a new place to live and get your privacy back.

Best of luck to you and your dad.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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It’s not selfish to want your home to yourself . If Dad doesn’t want to live in his home without his wife , perhaps he should downsize to a different home , maybe a condo , less maintenance for him .
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Reply to waytomisery
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You don't have a life anymore, you're right. It is NOT selfish to live the way you prefer to live.

Your dad could live 20 more years. You'd be his caregiver. Explain to him that it's time for him to go home and find friends who are more his age. Set a deadline and make sure he meets it.

Good luck to you in resuming your life.
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Reply to Fawnby
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If Dad has no health problems, then he can be on his own. My DH is 77 and I would hope in 2 yrs he could be on his own. If I figured right, he has been there since 2022. COVID is pretty much a norm and everyone needs to get back to normal. Normal is you getting your house back and Dads normal is going home and learning how to be alone. Tell him its not working anymore, you need your space.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Not selfish at all. This isn’t good for dad either, he needs to function again, not sit and do nothing. Please let him know it’s time for you both to live independently again and feel no guilt. Maybe find a local senior center and encourage dad to seek community there, but even if he won’t it’s not your responsibility to provide his entertainment and life.
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Just tell him that you need your space and it is time for him to move back in his own house.

Certainly not selfish, you need to stand up for yourself, it is now or never, the longer this goes on the worse it will get for you.

Be strong, he is your equal, you are an adult, not a little kid, you are entitled to your own life.
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Reply to MeDolly
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No you are not selfish. Tell dad how you honestly feel, that it's time for him to go back home so both of you can get on with your lives.

Best of luck to you.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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