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I moved to Toronto from California five years ago to take care of my grandfather, who was all alone at the time. I spent the last of my twenties in this role, assuming my mother would eventually move back from abroad (Nairobi, Kenya) to help me take care of her aging dad (he's now 96). I was wrong. After years of my (extremely unreliable) mother promising to move back to help me take care of him, I have given up on believing her. Instead, I think the only way that I can get help caring for my grandfather is if I move back to California with him. Is this an unreasonable ask of my grandfather to have him move to California with me? He doesn't have much of a life here outside of living in the same condo for 20+ years. He would be happier to be around my siblings, his grandchildren, I just don't know if this is a selfish ask on my part... it's just that I can't stay in Toronto any longer. I'm all alone here and I feel I've sacrificed so much. I just want to be back home where I can depend on my dad and my siblings. Please help!

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Go back home.

To be honest, the outcome for granddad, at age 96 is of little import to me. Let your mother know you will be leaving in (a month, two months, whatever you decide) and tell her he will be alone then with access to the other family members in the area.

Tell him you are moving and he is welcome to come with you.
Otherwise he will have the family there where he is.
Whether he goes into care or stays to die in his home at this point, unless you are seeing specific instances of abuse, doesn't seem especially relevant to me.

Not everything has a perfect answer. Not everything can be just "so". You have a right to your own life. Please claim it. Your grandfather has HAD his life, and a good long one as well. He can make his own decision now what to do about the fact you are going home.
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SorayaAshBha Apr 25, 2024
Thanks for the honest response and support for me to follow my path! You make a good point, that I should have some conversations with grandpa and see what he would like to choose to do. Appreciate the helpful advice!
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Thank you everyone for the kind words and tremendous support. It feels so good be able to talk with others who understand - appreciate you all and this community.

I have decided to set up grandpa at the nicest assisted living home I can find here in Toronto. Then, after getting him settled, I will move back to California, where I have a job, family and friends waiting for me.

It is what makes the most sense -- and I'll come visit him every few months / whenever I can make the trip to Toronto.

I have so much relief that he will be some place where he is safe at all times and looked after. Thank goodness.

My mom remains unconvinced this is the best decision, but she is not here. She has not been his caregiver, I have done that. She can't want him to stay at home and age in place when she's not the one here... I am posting separately about that.

Thank you again everyone for the feedback - it has helped tremendously!

I hope that everyone is doing well and taking good care of themselves!!
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AlvaDeer May 21, 2024
Soraya, Thanks so much for this update.Look forward to seeing how this works for you. And we wish you luck.
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You can’t predict that he’d be happier in CA near his grandchildren, etc. That is your wish, it would make YOU happier - but possibly not him. Go! You never should have sacrificed your own life for his. I hope you are successful at resuming your own happiness.
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SorayaAshBha Apr 25, 2024
Very true, good point -- wishful thinking on my part that he would be happier.
I have some thinking to do, it's hard for me to let go. I love him so dearly
Thanks for your kind words!
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No. It's not selfish at all to expect him to move if he wants to be near you. You should not be living your life around making life convenient for a 96 year-old. If his own daughter doesn't feel any need to help with her father you as a grandchild shouldn't think you have to live your life to accommodate his needs and wants..

If he wants to stay in Toronto, let him. He'll have no one and will probably have to go into assisted living or a nursing home. Moving to California sounds like a win-win for everyone especially you. California means family and you won't have to assume all the responsibility of meeting his needs.

Move to California. Line up some senior housing or AL for your grandfather to go to.
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Jacquelinezr Apr 30, 2024
This is the best answer I've read on here.
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He can't just move here unless he's a US citizen. He'll only be allowed to stay for 3 months. Even if you're ablt to legally move him here what if he doesn't qualify for any medical assistance? You'll be screwed. Cali if expensive, too. Also, do not assume others will be willing/able to become his caregivers. You'll have to talk to whatever the equivalent is of a social worker in Toronto to figure out what can options there are for your Grandfather. I'm so sorry your Mother is so selfish and disrespectful.
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SorayaAshBha Apr 25, 2024
That's true, I cannot assume others back home will "rescue me" and be much help. Just wishful thinking on my part...
I believe the answer is to resume touring ALF's here in Toronto for him. I am just dreading having to "put him in a home"
And thank you so much for your empathy. I really appreciate it. trying hard to avoid having serious resentment towards my mom.
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In Canada your grandfather qualifies for home care services.
They will provide free of charge services up to 35 maybe 40 hours per week. Contact Social Worker. They will also help you with finding facility and help you with other issues if you decide to look for AL in Toronto.
Also, be aware as Canadian if he is out of the country for more than six months he will lose his residency status.
That means if he wants to come back he will have to reestablish that and would not qualify for any benefits i.e. medical or GIS.
Also, if he is resident or dual citizen of USA and Canada he will have to pay taxes in both countries if applicable.
There are many complications.
On the other hand it is really not that difficult as my son lives in USA and he has triple citizenship and I know I could easily live in USA. Canadians can obtain special residency.
The age of your grandfather is a big factor here.
At the same time being around family and in California could be beneficial.
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TouchMatters Apr 30, 2024
Perhaps I'll move to Canada.
Do they let anyone in ... I mean, what is the criteria?
I surely LOVE Canadians based on my one experience there for two days (waiting for the cruise ship). The people are different. Kind, aware, easy going. I need to check this out. Now in my early 70s ... I need to think ahead a bit / or a lot more. Thanks.
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What would he do for medical insurance ? Is grandpa a US or Canadian citizen ?

I think whatever country he has citizenship , you should place him in a care home there if possible . It’s not fair for you to give up your life .

What kind of care does he need ? You should tell grandpa you can not do this anymore . Does he have money or a home to sell to go into assisted living ?
Does he walk ? Could he go to assisted living , or does he need SNF for more care ?
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SorayaAshBha Apr 25, 2024
Thanks for your support! Yes, he has a condo and I've already done renovations to get it ready for sale. I think Assisted Living would be the best option, I am just having a hard time making that decision... wish it didn't fall on my shoulders
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Does he have dual citizenship or something? I’d think there would be significant hurdles to moving someone so old that will inevitably require a great deal of expensive medical care to a new country where he won’t be eligible for government benefits. Assuming you and/or he are not independently wealthy.
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Bringing him here would not be wise. He will not be able to get any services we provide. Our health system is so different.
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I moved my husband from the west coast of the U.S. to Norway last year. He was 88 and has dementia. His son and granddaughter in law (nurse) flew over to help with the move. We also made sure we had medication with us in case he became unmanageable. It was a very long 26+hour journey. He did amazing. He had a very long sleep and didn’t seem too worse for the ware. He is a Norwegian citizen, so he qualified for a memory care facility there. He’s well taken care of there, but I am a mess here.
You need to make the move for you. You are too young to give up your life.
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