Visiting family in NH. How much time is enough?

I never experienced this kind of thing before. When mom was in her end of life hospice home, she was always happy to see me. Her dementia was mild. She had Parkinson’s disease.

I am so sorry that you are going through this with your mom. I agree with others, that if extended visits are bothersome to her, then I would cut your visit short.

Wishing you peace as you continue on your caregiving journey.

The only other thing I will add is, if you need a break, please take time for yourself without feeling bad about it. You can always speak with the staff over the phone.

Take care.

I stay for 30 minutes once a week. After that, my mother becomes agitated and quite crabby.

I need to protect MY mental health.

Still reeling from this morning's visit. It was a doozy.

It got to the point with my mom that it was about 10-15 minutes. Fortunately I lived close by. I could handle bringing her some little item she would request, then visit for a few minutes. That was all I could handle before all the looping, repetitive conversations would start. I would answer a few questions as pleasntly as possible and they say- oh- gotta go- the doggies need to be fed and let out, and then I would leave. She sometimes would say, so soon? But then she would forget that maybe I was even there.

What I let bother me for some reason, was the reaction of staff memebers and fellow residents. They would say things like - that was a quick visit! Boy - you were in and out quick!
It would annoy me but I'd just come back with, yep- on my way home from work or whatver. It was none of their business but it irked me.

I finally decied for me 10 -15 minutes several times a week and eating a meal with her in the dining room once or twice a week was all I could handle. I would see other residents families spending long afternoons and evenings with their person but some of them were not as far along the dementia, decline road my mom was and if they were judging me- well hell, so what?

Let the facility do her laundry . Read your profile .
Limit visits to once or twice a week for your own mental health and marriage . Make them short visits .
You can’t make Mom happy . It’s impossible .

Sounds like you’re doing the best you can given the status of your family member. The most important part is making sure the person is being properly cared for and having the staff aware that this is a person who’s loved and valued

Do what is comfortable for you and the person you are visiting.
Somedays 15 minutes might be fine, other days 15 minutes will seem like a day. And on a good day 15 minutes might seem like no time at all.
When you leave try to make sure that the person you are visiting is engaged in an activity if seeing you leave is stressful. If they are involved in a game, a meal or a TV show you can slip out easily.
OR you can go when you KNOW they are eating a meal. Slip into the room do what you need to do and leave. They don't even need to know you were there.

I would do WHAT WORKS.l
Each person is different.
My brother in his ALF loved long long chats out at the gazebo, watching the world go by, talking about past and future. We used, when I visited him, to sit on one or another of our beds in a.m. just chatting and draining the coffee pot. And that was how it was on visits until his death.
If, however, the visit brings on weeping and upset, and you are reassured by staff that this isn't the case in the course of the day, it is best to say "I can see you're upset. I have so many things to do, so I will go now and I'll be back soon".
It is a kind of Pavlovian training that the waterworks end with being left sooner than later.
If you discuss with CNAs and they tell you that sorrow is the constant setting time to discuss something like a try at low dose anti depressant or even gummies which are now given in my friend's mom's NH and has made ALL THE DIFFERENCE for her outlook.

Do if your visit is bringing joy, stay longer.
If it is bringing sorrow, leave.
If the CNAs tell you that sorrow is the default setting then time to discuss low dose anti depressants with doc. Some places are now giving some mild gummies and while it is late in life to turn to MaryJane, it is making all the difference for my friend's mom in Austin TX. She was non verbal and is now in much better humor.