My ex husband was mentality abusive to me, never needed to be physically abusive, because I was well trained by my parents, then him.
When he was six he almost died several times, he was in a coma for encephalitis, came out of the coma with a gray spot on his hair, seizures and the worst was tunnel vision.
Until a few years ago I didn't realize how that probably effected his brain. When I had enough, I was looking for reason why he was the way he was. Ya know something, it didn't matter!!! Not at all!! I was being mentally controlled and gaslighted , constantly name called.
No one no matter what has the right to treat another person badly!! Please don't put up with it a minute longer!!!
Weather or not it's because he had brain damage or because of his health issues, he became the golden child. The reasons DON'T MATTER. What mattered was my health.
For a short while, I lived with a man who'd hit me and hurt me, but I wasn't in denial about it and I didn't care if the police arrested his sorry arse and put him in jail. But that didn't happen, so I left him one morning at 5am after he'd beaten me up and was asleep in a drunken stupor. That was in 1977 when I was 20 years old. I never looked back, either, because I deserved a whole lot more and SO DO YOU. A care home is a lot better place than what this man deserves.
Stop making excuses for him and stand up for YOURSELF now. It's way past time you did. You're worth way more than he's led you to believe you are.
I agree with notgoodenough that the reason is irrelevant.
Why would we guess at the reasons your husband is abusing you?
Go to a shelter. Then go to an attorney. On the way to him empty the bank accounts and put the cash in your name only until a separation is worked out. Make a call to APS if your husband is unable to care for himself and tell them that he is a senior at risk who is alone and in need of their assessment and that you have decided you will flee for your life. If you are POA ask them to relieve you of that duty; they will help you resign (if he is incompetent this must be legally done). Get a legal separation or divorce and do not go back.
You need to get him placed. You may need an Elder lawyer to help you do this. The lawyer will split your assets and his split will go towards his care. Then Medicaid is applied for. You remain in the home, have and have a car. He should be on Social Security Disability. You are entitled to some or all of that to live.
Next time he hits you, call the police and tell them he has Dementia and you can not have him back in your home because ur afraid of him. That will getvthe ball rolling.
Your post asks if the reason he is abusive now is his “illness”. He was abusive before, he is abusive now. The illness might be making it worse, but the fact is that he is, was and will almost certainly in the future be ABUSIVE. Being in a home care facility may not be what you want for him, but being in jail is worse. That’s where he will be if he kills you. The police might be a bit slow coming to stop him next time.
It’s hard to walk away from a long marriage, but it’s worse to be dead. GET OUT. Save yourself - and him.
Please change this situation. Either he goes or you go. You sound as though you are suffering some from Stockholm syndrome. Look that up. He is still young and this could go on and on. This is no way to live the rest of your life.
Get out or have him placed. The violence should help you with that choice and if reported should certainly help with having that done. Medication might help some but not likely enough sufficiently and he may resist. He will only get worse. This is no way for you to spend the rest of your life. If you don't heed the warnings given you here you are staying in a very serious pattern with your well being at risk.
Is this honestly how you want to spend the rest of your life? You don't deserve a habitual abuser anything more. You have tried suffered and there is no other solution.
I realize it is a difficult choice to make but given the abusive circumstances you really have no other alternative. Choose you and your well being.
Any time someone is going to kill you, it’s time to get out. Report it to the police and don’t ever go back.
There is nothing to love here. You’re better off without him. There are domestic violence shelters that will help you to be safe. Call one in your town and let them help.
"I am caring for my husband, who is 59 years old with alzheimer's / dementia, anxiety, depression, incontinence, sleep disorder, and stroke.
I am a wife of 28 years but with my husbands 31 years I am a good wife I do everything for him but eat , sleep , and go to the bathroom for him I am good heated I love him to death I am in denial and it’s killing me to see him like this he can be so mean to me and hit me and I lie about to my family cause I don’t want him in a home care facility."
No, he's simply an abuser and no excuse makes it acceptable or excusable. You have a dysfunctional co-dependent relationship with him. Please get him out of your house immediately, or you leave, and get counseling.
When he was six he almost died several times, he was in a coma for encephalitis, came out of the coma with a gray spot on his hair, seizures and the worst was tunnel vision.
Until a few years ago I didn't realize how that probably effected his brain. When I had enough, I was looking for reason why he was the way he was. Ya know something, it didn't matter!!! Not at all!! I was being mentally controlled and gaslighted , constantly name called.
No one no matter what has the right to treat another person badly!! Please don't put up with it a minute longer!!!
Weather or not it's because he had brain damage or because of his health issues, he became the golden child. The reasons DON'T MATTER.
What mattered was my health.
Stop making excuses for him and stand up for YOURSELF now. It's way past time you did. You're worth way more than he's led you to believe you are.
Why would we guess at the reasons your husband is abusing you?
Go to a shelter. Then go to an attorney. On the way to him empty the bank accounts and put the cash in your name only until a separation is worked out. Make a call to APS if your husband is unable to care for himself and tell them that he is a senior at risk who is alone and in need of their assessment and that you have decided you will flee for your life. If you are POA ask them to relieve you of that duty; they will help you resign (if he is incompetent this must be legally done). Get a legal separation or divorce and do not go back.
No one should put up with abuse.
Next time he hits you, call the police and tell them he has Dementia and you can not have him back in your home because ur afraid of him. That will getvthe ball rolling.
Get out of this dangerous situation first; worry about the "whys" of it after you're gone and safe.
Don't allow yourself to become a statistic and a headline on the 5 o'clock news.
It’s hard to walk away from a long marriage, but it’s worse to be dead. GET OUT. Save yourself - and him.
Get out or have him placed. The violence should help you with that choice and if reported should certainly help with having that done. Medication might help some but not likely enough sufficiently and he may resist. He will only get worse. This is no way for you to spend the rest of your life. If you don't heed the warnings given you here you are staying in a very serious pattern with your well being at risk.
Is this honestly how you want to spend the rest of your life? You don't deserve a habitual abuser anything more. You have tried suffered and there is no other solution.
I realize it is a difficult choice to make but given the abusive circumstances you really have no other alternative. Choose you and your well being.
There is nothing to love here. You’re better off without him. There are domestic violence shelters that will help you to be safe. Call one in your town and let them help.
"I am caring for my husband, who is 59 years old with alzheimer's / dementia, anxiety, depression, incontinence, sleep disorder, and stroke.
I am a wife of 28 years but with my husbands 31 years I am a good wife I do everything for him but eat , sleep , and go to the bathroom for him I am good heated I love him to death I am in denial and it’s killing me to see him like this he can be so mean to me and hit me and I lie about to my family cause I don’t want him in a home care facility."
No, he's simply an abuser and no excuse makes it acceptable or excusable. You have a dysfunctional co-dependent relationship with him. Please get him out of your house immediately, or you leave, and get counseling.