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Guess who’s posting self-deprecating stuff instead of doing something productive and worthwhile?
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I'm at a really low point right now, but the good news is that the worst is still to come.
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Watch me make bad decisions even without the influence of alcohol.
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Someone, please help me! I’m way too young to be this old already.
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Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
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I’m on my 36th selfie attempt, and I’m still refusing to acknowledge that this isn’t my day.
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I said “hello” to darkness my old friend, and it told me that it doesn’t want to be my friend.
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I don't know much, but what I do know is wrong.
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some more comebacks against someone who insults you:

“You’re not the dumbest person in the world, but you better hope they don’t die.”

—-
“Jealousy is a disease. 
Get well soon.”

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“Isn’t there a bullet somewhere you could be jumping in front of?”

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“People like you are the reason I’m on medication.”

—
🙂 “You need a kiss on the neck from a crocodile.”
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“You’re stupid.”

“That's still 3 levels smarter than you are...”
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Y: I don’t like you.

Z: You may want to get covid tested because one of the symptoms is lack of taste.
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🤣
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X: I need an astrologer to tell me what planets are making me sad.

Astrologer: I’m pretty sure it’s Earth.
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Gandhi after a Reporter asked him a question.

Reporter: What do you think of Western Civilization?

Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
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“I remember it like it was yesterday. Of course, I don’t really remember yesterday all that well.”
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“It is useless to try to hold a person to anything he says while he’s madly in love, drunk, or running for office.” 
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“I’d love to stand here and talk with you...but I’m not going to.”
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“Instant gratification takes too long.”
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I’m sorry. I was thinking about cats again.
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“When a man retires, and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch.”
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“I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.”
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“It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawn mower, snowblower and vacuum cleaner.”
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🙂 “Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.”
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🙂 “Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.”
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Every morning I see a woman so exhausted that she looks like she could commit a crime for a cup of coffee.

Maybe I should move the mirror.
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What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?

I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!!
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Why did the barista get fired?

He kept showing up for work in a tea shirt.
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What’s a barista’s favorite programming language?

Java
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How does the coffee snob take their coffee?

Seriously, very seriously.
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“I like you.”

“Thanks, I like me too.”
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